Seeking help after trauma

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them.  Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abu...

Thank you so much for joining us on this FAQ journey. As we finish this series, we want to remind you about all of the professional options available to you to help in your healing journey. Remember that this process is different for everyone and not everyone chooses to engage in formal services.

After a sexual assault, a survivor can choose to have forensic exam (sometimes called a “rape kit” or “SANE exam”) completed at a hospital or designated rape crisis center with a specially trained medical professional.  A forensic exam typically assesses and documents any injuries, swabs for DNA evidence, and administers medication to prevent pregnancy and STD/STIs. This exam is free and is most effective when it is completed within 72 hours after an assault has occurred. 

It is extremely rare for there to be medical evidence 10 years after experiencing sexual assault, rape, or sodomy although it may depend on a number of factors such as the type of assault, the age and health of the victim, and whether or not evidence was collected at the time of the assault.

We are truly sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing. It's crucial to know that you're not alone, and there are steps you can take to address this injustice.  Consider seeking guidance from a trusted legal advisor who can help you understand your rights and navigate the potential recourse options, including filing a complaint with relevant authorities such as the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) if you live in the United States. 

Thank you for this important question. Processing sexual abuse without immediate access to professional help can be challenging, but is often necessary in a world where mental health support can be costly and inaccessible. There are other strategies and resources out there that can support your healing journey. Here are some suggestions on how you might begin to process sexual abuse without a therapist or counselor:

Thank you for trusting us with this. I'm really sorry you have lived under such tight control for so long, and I hear how suffocating it is to feel you have no freedom. Feeling trapped at home with no ability to go out, even now that you are in university, is not a small issue and can affect not just your emotions but your sense of who you are.

Finding support after experiencing sexual violence is incredibly important, and your desire to connect with others who understand is completely natural. Many survivors find that speaking with others who have had similar experiences can reduce feelings of isolation and provide validation.

Thank you for reaching out to us during this incredibly difficult and exhausting time. What you're experiencing right now is profoundly challenging, and I want you to know that every feeling you're having - the frustration, disappointment, anger, and weariness - is completely valid and understandable. Waiting for sentencing is emotionally draining under the best of circumstances, and having it rescheduled four or five times feels like a cruel extension of your pain. You're absolutely right that this isn't fair, and I'm so sorry the system is f...

Thank you for this question. There are several valuable books and resources available that can support your healing journey from sexual abuse. Some books we recommend include: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk explores how trauma affects the brain and body, offering insights into treating traumatic stress and new paths to recovery. It provides a comprehensive look at the nature of trauma and its impact on our physical and mental well-being.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings about this complicated situation. It's understandable that you're feeling confused and unsure about how to label what happened. When it comes to consent and age, things can become quite complex, especially when emotions and personal actions are involved.

Thank you for this question. I want to start by acknowledging your strength and courage in reaching out for support. Dealing with the aftermath of sexual violence is incredibly difficult, and the feelings of guilt you're experiencing are a common and valid response to trauma and the decisions survivors often need to make in the aftermath. Please know that the guilt is not yours to carry - the responsibility lies solely with the person who harmed you.

This is a really tough place to be in and we appreciate you reaching out and trusting us with these feelings. That weight of feeling "too late" for healing is something many survivors struggle with. Please know you're not alone in this experience. It's never too late to begin this journey, even though I completely understand why it might feel that way.

It can be extremely challenging to decide if you want to report the sexual harm you experienced. While reporting is not for everyone, here are some details about reporting to help you make an informed choice.   First, consider what reporting body would make most sense for your safety and healing. If sexual harm occurred in the context of work or while you are attending a university, you may want to file a formal complaint within those institutions, to help create environment-specific safeguards you may need should you choose to continue t...

Thank you for this question. Unfortunately, we cannot provide any official legal advice for individuals who are experiencing violence, but we can review some options that may be applicable to you. Victims’ involvement with the legal system typically involves either reporting the violence to the police and participating in the justice process if charges are pursued or pursuing remedies within the civil legal system such as civil orders of protection, financial assistance, and child custody. Below are some professional supports you may tur...

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you're experiencing is incredibly difficult, and I want to acknowledge the courage it took to set a boundary after what you've been through. The physical symptoms you describe—trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, and feeling like you're drowning—are common responses to trauma and ongoing stress. These are your body's natural reactions, not signs of weakness.

Thank you so much for asking this. It's completely natural and understandable to feel worried about having anyone else see those photos.  The good news is that the most reputable organizations devoted to helping survivors like you have developed systems specifically designed to honor your privacy and keep you in control. Services like StopNCII.org and Take It Down understand exactly why privacy matters so much to survivors, and they've built their entire approach around protecting you from any additional exposure or harm.

Thank you for trusting us with this. It sounds like you are going through an incredibly tense and distressing situation at home. It can feel scary, confusing, and frustrating to see your father threaten violence and show no regret for his words or behavior, especially when it happens right in front of others. It's understandable to want him to apologize and realize how much fear and hurt this is causing, both for your mother and for you. Having constant conflict at home, along with the threat of physical harm, can take a serious emotional toll...

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. Reaching out for help - even anonymously - shows incredible courage. You're taking an important step, and I am happy to share some potential options with you as I understand them, although I am not a legal expert. 

Thank you for asking this! We are actively working toward developing support groups directly through our website and we're so excited to be able to offer that in the future. In the meantime, there are wonderful ways to find connection both in your area and online.

Thank you for reaching out to us and I am so sorry you are experiencing so much complexity and pain. You do not deserve to feel this way. Yes, there are absolutely therapists who specialize in working with survivors of sexual violence and grooming. Many therapists have specialized training in trauma-informed care and specific certifications that have been shown to be helpful with survivors of trauma and abuse (e.g. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT), or Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral T...

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. Finding trauma-informed counselors can be quite difficult depending on the state you live in, but they are out there. It can be a frustrating process, but you deserve to receive the support you need. Here are some tips we have found helpful when navigating this often challenging infrastructure. 

Thank you for sharing this with us. I want you to know that what you're feeling is valid, and you're not alone in experiencing these complex emotions. These feelings you're describing are actually quite common among survivors of sexual violence and trauma, though they're rarely discussed openly.

Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. What you're experiencing makes complete sense, and I want you to know that these feelings are a normal response to sharing something so deeply personal during a vulnerable moment. What you're describing sounds like what many people call a "vulnerability hangover" - that overwhelming sense of regret, shame, or discomfort that can follow after opening up about something deeply personal, even when the person responds with kindness.

Thank you for trusting us with these complex and painful feelings. I know firsthand how exhausting and confusing it can be to question whether what happened to you was abuse. Your question touches on something many survivors experience, and these feelings of doubt are completely normal responses to trauma, even though they can feel overwhelming and isolating.

Thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry you're going through this. You deserve to feel safe, supported, and able to heal, even if those things feel impossible right now. The fact that you're dealing with this trauma on top of a difficult living environment is so much for one person to carry. But please know that you're not alone, and there are still ways to care for yourself and work towards recovery, even in these challenging circumstances.

Thank you for trusting us with this. What happened was inappropriate and crossed important boundaries that should exist between children of different ages and developmental stages. At the same time, I hear the genuine remorse and concern in your words, which speaks to your character today.

First and foremost, I want to acknowledge your courage in sharing this experience and seeking help. What happened to you was not your fault, regardless of your sister's age at the time. Your feelings of anger are completely valid and a natural response to a boundary violation that occurred during your formative years.

Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal with us. We are so sorry you are struggling with this. What you're experiencing is not uncommon. Traumatic memories, particularly from childhood, often resurface during significant life transitions like beginning a new relationship.

Thank you for trusting us with these challenging feelings. What you're experiencing is incredibly common for survivors of sexual assault. The guilt, self-blame, and pressure to "be over it by now" are not signs of healing improperly—they're actually typical trauma responses. Your brain and body are working through a profound violation, and there is no timeline for when this process should be complete.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma in adulthood to feel confused, frightened, and frustrated. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below. 

Thank you for reaching out, and for doing the quiet, determined work of looking inward, learning about your own experiences, and searching for what you might need. That is not a small thing. The fact that you are here, asking this question, is a meaningful act of standing up for yourself. The instinct that brought you here is worth following.What you went through as a child was real. Your family denying it does not change what happened in that house or in your body. When the people who were supposed to protect you also refuse to acknowledge wh...

I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing such a strong reaction to this news article. It's completely understandable that the thought of your personal health information becoming public would cause you significant distress, especially given the circumstances you've described. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to acknowledge them.

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. It takes a lot of courage to share your story, and I'm glad you reached out. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings are completely valid. It's understandable that you're experiencing a mix of emotions like anger, rage, disgust, and a sense of overwhelming mental weight.

Thank you for your bravery in reaching out to us. We care about your wellbeing and I want you to know that you're not alone in this struggle. What you are experiencing is incredibly difficult, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and in crisis.

This is a really great question. Thank you for trusting us with it. Healing from trauma doesn't mean forgetting - it's natural that these memories still surface. What you experienced was significant, and while having supportive friends and distance from the person who harmed you are important steps, they don't erase the impact. Many survivors find that even after the acute crisis is "over," they still sometimes continue to process their experiences through recurring thoughts, emotions, or memories. This isn't a sign that you're "stuck" or doin...

I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing such distressing thoughts and feelings. It's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and confused right now. What you're experiencing is actually a common and deeply painful manifestation of trauma. First and foremost, the intrusive thoughts you're having do not make you a monster—they are a symptom of trauma, not a reflection of who you are or who you will become.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It takes immense courage to talk about such difficult and personal matters. I'm deeply sorry for what you've been through and the challenges you're facing now. Please remember that what happened to you is not your fault. The responsibility lies entirely with the adults who should have protected you.

I'm so deeply sorry for what you're going through. The pain you're feeling right now - that sense of being invalidated, silenced, and pushed aside - is heartbreaking and so unfair. You came forward with tremendous courage, you trusted a system that was supposed to support you, and instead you've been met with what feels like indifference and abandonment. That's not just disappointing; it's wrong, and your anger and hurt about this are completely justified.

Thank you for trusting us with this. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience with your therapist. It sounds like her comments were not only hurtful but also made you feel unsafe sharing your experiences. First, I want you to know that what happened to you was absolutely not your fault, and your response—whatever it was—was your body's way of protecting you in an impossible situation.

What you are carrying right now is an enormous amount for one person to hold alone and reaching out here took real courage. Thank you for being here.  What you are describing is something a significant number of survivors have lived through. Some people use the term child-on-child sexual abuse, sometimes shortened to COCSA, to describe experiences like these. You do not have to use that label if it does not feel right to you, but knowing it exists, and knowing you are far from alone in this, matters. Research consistently shows that sibli...

Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. What happened to you at age nine, and again two years ago, was not your fault. Sexual abuse by a friend, especially when you're so young, can be incredibly confusing and traumatic. It's completely understandable that you're struggling to cope with these experiences.

I want to start by acknowledging the courage it takes to reach out and discuss such a difficult experience. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings of distress and anxiety are completely valid, even if they've emerged some time after the incident. It's important to understand that delayed reactions to traumatic events are common and are a normal response to an abnormal situation.

I really appreciate you reaching out to us for support. I hear your pain and I want you to know that your call for help has been heard. You've already shown incredible strength by escaping your attacker, and you deserve immediate, concrete support for everything you're going through.

Thank you for asking this. The complexity of what you are navigating right now is real, and the fact that you are weighing all of this so carefully says a lot about who you are as a person. It is completely valid to hold complicated feelings about reporting, including not wanting a certain outcome for someone, even someone who has caused you profound harm. 

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. I'm deeply sorry you've gone through this and that your initial attempt to report it wasn't adequately addressed. You deserve to feel supported and have your discomfort acknowledged. What you've described could indeed be considered sexual harassment and potentially sexual assault depending on the nature of the unwanted touching. Unwanted touching of any kind, especially when it escalates to groping intimate areas like thighs, is a serious violation of your personal boundaries and bodily autonomy...

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. Everything you're feeling right now makes complete sense given what you've survived and what you're facing. It sounds like for so long, your mind may have protected you by keeping traumatic experiences separated and manageable, allowing you to function day-to-day. Now, as you approach this therapeutic relationship, your body might be recognizing that you could finally be safe enough to feel the full weight of what you've carried. Your nervous system therefore is shifting from protective num...

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been experiencing. What you've been through is deeply traumatic, and I want you to know that everything you're feeling right now is completely valid. What happened that morning wasn't your fault in any way. When your body froze, it wasn't giving consent—it was protecting you in the only way it could at that moment. This freeze response is a natural, involuntary reaction to trauma that many survivors experience. Your body was looking out for you, even when you couldn't consciously respond.

Thank you for reaching out and trusting us with the details of your situation. To start, what happened to you was not okay. Your friend's actions were a clear violation of your consent and boundaries. You explicitly stated that you didn't want to be touched, and later said no to his advances in bed. Consent is crucial in any sexual interaction, and it should be enthusiastic, ongoing, and can be withdrawn at any time.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It's incredibly brave of you to open up about your experiences, especially when they're causing you such complex feelings. Please know that you are not a bad person. Many survivors of grooming and sexual abuse struggle with complex feelings that can include both attraction and discomfort. When an adult in a position of power (like a 42-year-old counselor) initiates a sexual relationship with a teenager, it creates an inherent power imbalance. The adult bears the responsibility for maintaining a...