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Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for reaching out to us. It takes courage to share such a personal experience and seek clarity. It's evident that this situation has caused you significant distress, and your concern reflects a deep sense of empathy and responsibility.
It's important to recognize that your feelings of guilt and worry are valid, even as we examine the context of the situation. While only you and the people you did this with can label the experiences you described, my assessment is the behaviors you shared--consensual, clothed body rubbing with peers during your early adolescence--generally fall within the realm of normal childhood sexual exploration, rather than abuse.
It's also significant that your therapist, who has a comprehensive understanding of your history, has assessed that this wasn't abuse. Their professional opinion, combined with the lack of force, coercion, or ill intent on your part, and the fact that your stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged, all point towards this being a case of age-appropriate exploration rather than COCSA.
Your OCD may be causing you to hyperfocus on this past event, magnifying your feelings of guilt and worry. While these feelings are understandable, it's important to try to view this situation in the context of normal childhood development. Your lack of understanding about arousal or orgasms at the time further suggests that your actions were not sexually motivated in an adult sense.
Moving forward, it may be helpful to continue working with your therapist on strategies to manage these intrusive thoughts and feelings. Remember, your concern about this shows your strong moral compass and your commitment to being a caring, responsible person and mother. It's okay to acknowledge that while you're worried about your past actions, the context and circumstances suggest that you did not cause harm or engage in abusive behavior.
Healing from anxiety and intrusive thoughts about past experiences is a journey. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through these feelings. Your dedication to understanding and doing the right thing is clear, and that in itself is a positive attribute. Thank you for trusting us with this. Be gentle with yourself. You are not alone.
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Grounding activity
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.