When I was younger, I was physically restrained by my brother and a female friend while a male friend kissed me. I had a crush on this boy, which is why they did it, but I told them to stop. I literally had to be restrained because I was struggling. Is this COCSA or just 'boys being boys'?

Answer

I'm so sorry to hear about this experience you had as a child. It's completely understandable that you're reflecting on it now and questioning what happened.

What you described involves being physically restrained against your will while someone kissed you, despite your clear protests and attempts to stop it. This goes beyond the notion of "boys being boys" - a phrase that's often used to normalize and excuse harmful behaviors. This framing can be particularly problematic because it suggests that boundary violations are natural or acceptable when perpetrated by men, and it can make people question their own valid feelings of discomfort or violation. This phrase also fails to acknowledge that harmful interactions can involve children of any gender, as your experience demonstrates.

Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) generally refers to sexual interactions between children where there is an element of coercion, manipulation, force, or a significant power imbalance. Key considerations include whether boundaries were communicated and respected, whether force or restraint was used, and whether the interaction stopped when someone expressed discomfort. In your situation, being held down by your brother and friend while another friend kissed you—especially after you told them to stop—indicates a disregard for your consent and autonomy. The fact that you had to struggle against them to try to free yourself highlights that this was not a mutual or consensual interaction. Only you can label your experiences, however.

It's important to acknowledge that children at that age might not fully understand the gravity of their actions or the concept of consent, but that doesn't diminish the impact it had on you. People who have experienced childhood boundary violations often have complex feelings about these events. Some may feel confused, upset, or uncertain about how to categorize what happened. Others might minimize their experiences due to social messaging that dismisses certain behaviors. Your feelings of discomfort, violation, or confusion are entirely valid. It's okay to feel unsettled or distressed when recalling this event, even many years later.

If this memory is causing you ongoing distress or raising difficult emotions, it might be helpful to talk to a trusted person or a mental health professional who can provide support. They can offer a safe space for you to explore these feelings and help you process what happened in a way that feels right for you.

Remember, you're not alone in this, and your feelings matter. Reaching out takes courage, and it's a positive step toward healing and understanding. However you choose to frame or understand this experience is valid, and part of your journey toward making sense of your personal history. Thank you for trusting us with this.