Question

I had an experience at a Halloween party where, while intoxicated, I engaged in consensual kissing and dancing with someone I knew. In the moment, I was comfortable with what happened. Now that I'm sober, I'm struggling with feelings of regret and guilt, not because of the other person's actions, but because this behavior feels out of character for me. I typically hold myself to different standards, and these feelings are really weighing on me. Are these feelings of regret normal? How do I process this situation where both parties consented in the moment, but I'm now feeling conflicted about my own choices?

Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. While I wasn't present for this situation, I'll reflect on what you've shared to support you in processing these feelings. I want to start by assuring you that feeling conflicted about choices made while drinking is an incredibly common experience. The discomfort you're feeling isn't unusual, especially when our actions don't align with how we typically see ourselves or the standards we set.

Let's address this carefully...

While you've described a situation where both parties were actively participating and appeared comfortable in the moment, it's worth noting that alcohol does impact our ability to make clear decisions and can blur the lines of consent. This doesn't necessarily mean anything wrong happened, but it's understandable to feel uncertain when processing interactions that occurred under the influence. Many people grapple with similar questions after alcohol-involved encounters.

Based on what you shared, the guilt and regret you're feeling sounds less about the actual interaction and more about feeling like you've betrayed your own personal values or standards. This internal conflict is actually a sign that you have a strong sense of self and clear personal boundaries - these are positive attributes, even if they're causing you discomfort right now.

However, it's important to practice self-compassion here. Being human means sometimes making choices that don't perfectly align with our ideal self-image. This doesn't make you a "bad" person or diminish your worth in any way. Consider whether you'd judge a friend as harshly in the same situation. Often, we hold ourselves to much stricter standards than we do others.

Some questions you might reflect on:

• What specific values feel challenged by this experience?
• What boundaries might you want to set for yourself in future similar situations?
• How can you honor your feelings while also being gentle with yourself?
• Are any of these feelings influenced by societal messages about how we "should" behave in romantic or sexual situations?
• What would it look like to process this experience free from judgment about what is "proper" or "appropriate"?

Remember, feeling regret doesn't mean you did something wrong - sometimes it just means you're learning more about your own boundaries and preferences. If these feelings continue to bother you, consider talking with a counselor who can help you process these experiences and develop strategies that feel right for you. We really appreciate you reaching out to us. Be gentle with yourself.