Name (18 y/o at time of assault) - Reclaiming my Voice

i’m going to be blunt and straightforward about my experience to maintain the authenticity of my story. less than 2 months into the start of my college experience, i was raped. in one of my most vulnerable and helpless moments, a complete stranger took advantage of me. i won’t delve into the details, but after i pleaded for this stranger to stop he resorted to physical and mental abuse. what was supposed to be a fun weekend celebrating halloween with my friends, ended up being a blur of hospital testing, being home, and figuring out what my life was going to look like moving forward. in those first few days, i struggled to make sense of something i eventually came to realize won’t ever make sense. no matter how many times i was reminded that i was not alone, loneliness always crept up on me; i barely felt any emotions related to the assault or perpetrator. initially, i put an external pressure on myself that i should be more upset. recalling the details of what happened during the assault didn’t phase me in the slightest. why wasn’t i angry at the person who left me powerless? why did i feel so disconnected from everyone in my life? why didn’t i feel the urge to press charges? these were all questions that were consistently circulating through my mind. although these were all things i was told were “normal” and that i shouldn’t feel guilty, i still felt isolated. oftentimes it seemed like people were suprised that i wasn’t shaken or distraught after sharing parts of my story. i found myself increasingly becoming more frustrated and started to distance myself from those who cared most about me. i turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms that only helped me feel better in the short-term. i yearned for control in my life when it felt like i had none; any little sense of control provided me the slight relief i longed for. my healing journey is far from over, but i trust that it will continue to get better. i’m not going to try and hide the fact that i’ve been having a really hard time navigating this, but i’ve also grown in unexpected ways and continue to become a stronger person.