I'm struggling to understand my childhood experiences with family members as harmful. These experiences started when I was very young and continued for years. The people involved are still in my life, and I have complicated feelings about what happened. Sometimes I have physical reactions like panic in the shower, but other times I miss the attention and feel worthless without it. I find myself wanting their affection again, even though part of me knows something wasn't right. Is it normal to have these conflicting feelings? How do I make sense of experiences that felt like love but also cause me distress?

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult and confusing time. It takes a lot of courage to share your feelings, and I'm glad you reached out. What you're experiencing is completely normal and you're not alone.

When something happens to us at such a young age, especially involving family members we love, it can create a complex mix of emotions that feel impossible to untangle. Your brain was doing exactly what it was designed to do when you were little --it found ways to survive and make meaning of confusing experiences while preserving your sense of safety and belonging. Children need love and attachment to survive, so your young mind naturally framed these experiences as expressions of care rather than harm. This wasn't a failure on your part. It was actually a remarkable act of psychological self-preservation.

It's completely understandable that you're struggling to see what happened as hurtful or wrong because it was intertwined with genuine feelings of being loved and valued. The people who were close to you made you feel special and that can make it incredibly hard to reconcile with the discomfort and distress you're feeling now. Both of these realities can exist at the same time -- the love and care that was genuinely present alongside experiences that weren't appropriate or healthy.

Feeling panicked in situations like the shower, where the water reminds you of unwanted touch, is your body remembering something that was overwhelming. These physical responses are common and make complete sense given what you experienced. It's also natural to feel conflicted like wanting the love and attention you once received while also feeling uncomfortable or upset about it. Your heart still carries that deep human need for love that was met in such a complicated way.

The fact that you feel ugly or like a bad person doesn't reflect who you truly are. Those feelings often come from the confusion and shame that can develop when our experiences don't match the clear narratives we hear about abuse. It's important to remember that you were a child, and what happened wasn't your fault. Wanting to be loved is a fundamental human need, and yearning for that affection doesn't make you bad or wrong -- it makes you beautifully and completely human.

Many survivors struggle with feeling out of place in survivor spaces when their experiences don't match straightforward stories of harm. Your experiences are valid regardless of the love that was present, and you belong in spaces of support and healing. Consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist who understands the complexities of familial abuse. They can help you process these emotions without rushing you to label or define your experiences before you're ready.

Please be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time, and it's okay to hold all of these complicated feelings while you slowly make sense of them. You deserve compassion, understanding, and support as you navigate this difficult journey. Thank you so much for trusting us with this.