I'm struggling to understand an experience from my childhood. When I was 8-9, my older brother (12-13) initiated inappropriate sexual behavior with me. He exposed me to adult content and encouraged me to participate in sexual acts. At the time, I felt I was willingly participating, but now I realize I didn't fully understand what was happening. The situation involved secrecy and hiding from our parents. When they discovered something had occurred, I was reluctant to discuss it. Years later, when I told my father, he advised me not to tell anyone until I was 18, saying my brother could face legal consequences. I'm confused about how to categorize this experience. Was this child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)? I'm seeking understanding after years of confusion. How can I process this and move forward?

Thank you for sharing this deeply personal and complex experience. Your feelings of confusion and uncertainty are completely valid and we are here to help in whatever way we can.

Based on what you've described, this situation could certainly fall under the category of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). Even though your brother was also a minor, there was a significant age and developmental difference that created a power imbalance. Here are some details that causes us some concern:

1. The significant age gap (8-9 vs 12-13) represents a substantial difference in cognitive and emotional development.
2. Your brother exposed you to pornography, which is not typical of age-appropriate sexual curiosity.
3. The situation involved secrecy and hiding from parents, suggesting an understanding that the behavior was wrong.
4. At 8-9 years old, you were not capable of giving informed consent to sexual activities, regardless of feeling willing at the time.

Innocent sexual exploration typically involves children of similar ages, mutual curiosity, less complex behaviors, no coercion or secrets, and stops if one child becomes uncomfortable. Your experience seems to go beyond these boundaries.

It's common for children who experience such situations to feel conflicted or confused about their experiences, especially as they grow older and gain a better understanding of sexuality and boundaries. Your realization that you didn't fully comprehend what was happening at the time is a normal part of processing these experiences.

The secrecy involved and your father's response to your disclosure are concerning aspects of this situation. While your father may have been trying to protect both you and your brother, his advice to keep silent could have contributed to your ongoing confusion and difficulty in processing the experience.

Moving forward, it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in childhood trauma and family dynamics. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings and experiences without judgment, and help you develop strategies for further processing and healing.

Remember, you are not to blame for what happened. It's okay to have mixed feelings about the experience and your brother. It's important to note that your brother, being young himself, may not have fully understood the implications of his actions. However, this doesn't diminish the impact the experience had on you.

Healing is a journey, and it's never too late to seek help and understanding. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this process. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve support in working through them. Remember, labeling the experience is less important than how you feel about it and how it has affected you. A professional can help you process these feelings and find a path forward. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.