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I stayed in a bad situation with my boyfriend because I was afraid no one else would love me again. Is this normal, and how can I "fix" this?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for sharing this experience with us. It's very common to stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship out of fear of being alone or not finding love again. However, it's important to recognize that this fear is not based in truth, and that you deserve so much better.
Feeling hesitant to leave a challenging relationship out of fear of being unloved is a common experience for many individuals. It's important to acknowledge that your concerns are valid and understandable, especially if your self-esteem has been worn down from a "bad" relationship. People who harm others often make them feel worthless and unlovable as a way to keep them close. The reasons you stayed (fear of being alone, hoping he would change, trauma bonding, etc.) make complete sense based on the harmful situation and is a perfectly normal human response. You are absolutely worthy of real, healthy love from a caring partner. One person's mistreatment does not define your entire worth and future, even if that is hard to believe in the moment. There are plenty of people who will love you for who you truly are.
While I would push back on you needing to be "fixed," it may be helpful to work on building up your self-love and confidence so you never feel forced to stay in a bad situation again. Surround yourself with people who value you. You might also consider seeking counseling to process unhealthy relationship patterns. Support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can provide you with the encouragement and guidance needed to navigate this situation. In addition, surround yourself with positive influences and engage in activities that bring you joy. This can also contribute to your overall sense of self-assurance and fulfillment.
Most importantly, know that you can attract an amazing partner who will respect you. But you have to believe you deserve such love first. You deserve true happiness and to be treated with kindness and respect. Trust yourself and your instincts as you move forward on your journey towards a relationship that truly honors and uplifts you.
I also want to mention that the fact you questioned this situation means your inner voice knows you deserve better. Have faith in yourself. With self-compassion and the right support system, you can absolutely rebuild your self-worth. As you work towards that, know we are here for you to support. Thank you again for this question. You are not alone.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.