I’m confused about the way I grew up. When I was little, older adults in my family guilted my younger brother and me into hugging each other naked, and we were encouraged to run around the house nude. That part feels more okay, I think, but the way my dad looks at people makes me feel strange about it. We were also told we were “wrestling” with adult male family members, but it was more like being pinned in sexual positions, and we were offered money like quarters to do it. When I had what we think was a UTI, an adult male family member put cream on me down there with his fingers and said it was for my health. It felt too intrusive. Why couldn’t my mom or grandma do it, or show me how to do it myself? It took too long, and he seemed to enjoy it too much. Growing up, I was also yelled at and called a bitch, and this man would throw things at my dog when he was upset with me. He would run his hands up my brother’s inner thigh even after being told to stop, and he would touch and rub himself through his pants in front of us. Then for my eighteenth birthday, they gave me a bikini. Is this normal? I know it’s not rape, but what is it?

Thank you for trusting this space with something so heavy that you've carried for a long time. Your confusion makes sense. When hard things are part of everyday life from the start (and when they come from family) it can be difficult to tell what happened or how you feel about it. Kids usually have nothing to compare their home to. This can make whatever happens there seem normal. 

Some things can happen innocently in families, like little kids being naked around the house or a parent helping with medicine. What makes the difference is the situation and what the adult was doing it for. Adults pressuring children to hug each other naked, adult men pinning kids in sexual positions and paying them quarters to go along with it, care that felt intrusive and seemed to be enjoyed, and an adult touching himself in front of children are not part of healthy family life. Many professional and legal definitions of childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and grooming include behaviors like the ones you describe. Grooming is when an adult slowly builds trust, access, or secrecy with a child in a way that makes harmful behavior seem normal. The money is worth noticing. Paying a child for physical contact can make it feel like a trade, and that can leave the child feeling responsible later. You were not responsible. What you call your experience is up to you, and you can change that language whenever you want.

You said you know it isn't rape. A lot of survivors compare what happened to them with something they see as worse and that can feel safer. An experience doesn't have to meet the definition of rape to matter, to affect you, or to be worth getting support for.

You also asked why your mom or grandma couldn't put the cream on you for what you think was a UTI (urinary tract infection), or show you how to do it yourself. It's a fair question, and it still bothers you for a reason. You remember it feeling too intrusive, taking too long, and that he seemed to enjoy it. Kids often sense when touch isn't okay before they have words for it. That sense is worth trusting and exploring rather than talking yourself out of. The same goes for the strange feeling you get from the way your dad looks at people and any unease about the bikini you got for your eighteenth birthday. Sometimes discomfort shows up before we can explain where it's coming from.

Being yelled at and called a bitch, and seeing things thrown at your dog when this man was mad at you, can leave a child feeling afraid all the time. When someone threatens or hurts a pet a child loves, it can scare and control that child, even if that isn't what the adult means to do. Watching him run his hands up your brother's inner thigh after being told to stop may be painful to carry too. Seeing a sibling get hurt, and learning that "stop" didn't count in your house, can leave you with hurt, guilt, or a strong urge to protect him. However your brother sees his own experience, your feelings about what you saw are valid. Kids who grow up in homes like this often learn to shrink what happened so it feels easier to live with, which is part of why the question "is this normal?" can feel so hard to answer.

Whatever you feel about this is okay, whether it's confusion, grief, anger, love for these family members, or nothing yet. Many survivors feel numb when they first look closely at their childhood, because it takes time to absorb. You can feel several of these things at once. You also get to decide what kind of relationship you want with your family, what boundaries you set, and whether you talk to them about any of this. You don't have to do any of those things in order to heal.

Healing doesn't follow a straight line, and you don't have to figure everything out at once. Taking it slow, resting, and leaning on people you trust all count. If you can see a therapist, it may help to find someone who works with childhood trauma and family abuse, and who will let you go at your own pace without pushing you to name anything before you're ready. If cost or access is a problem, RAINN can help you find free and sliding-scale options. You can reach them anytime at 1-800-656-HOPE, or chat online at rainn.org if calling feels like too much. 

Whatever you decide to call what happened, the adults who treated you this way are responsible for it, not you. You deserved to be safe and cared for growing up, and you deserve that now. We're glad you asked us this question. You are not alone.