#868

I think I am a victim of COCSA. I've only told two people of this and they are my closest friends that I am associated with and that I love dearly, they mean the absolute world to me, and they have told me that I am. When I was a child, about 5 or so, my family brought me to my cousins house. (I don't remember how old he was or exactly how old I was, just that we were young) That night we were doing the usual things kids do, sitting on the couch watching a movie and playing games with his siblings, until he grabbed my hand and said, "Come here." So, thinking nothing of it, I let him lead me to the tent he had in the same living room. He had me lay down and then zipped the tent up before saying, "I want to show you something." I had a weird feeling about it but I trusted him nonetheless, bc he's family and I was innocent with no understanding of what was going to happen. He then pulled down his pants and then mine before proceeding to SA me. I didn't understand what was happening or that what he was doing to me was bad, I was never taught about sex or sexual assault due to being sheltered. Afterwards I felt weird about what had happened and had a feeling of disgust even though I didn't know what had happened. We haven't met since then but growing up was definitely difficult when I thought about that, along with some other stuff that had happened to me. I always felt disgusted and dirty when I learned what sex was and hated myself because I was so young and we were related, constantly blaming myself for it. I've caught myself several times growing up telling myself that I was gross for doing something like that at such a young age with someone I was related to and that he wasn't to blame because he was a kid and kids don't understand what they're doing. Even though it was difficult I taught myself that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't understand what was happening and that he knew what he was doing. Even though we were young and about the same age the mental gap was there. I've only very recently become comfortable with only people I'm close to touching me just because it brings the unwanted memory or what had happened back. I've been coping and putting myself back together from that and some other experiences, I have grown more aware and have grown as a person.