#1180

After leaving a man who was cheating on me during my pregnancy and threatening to harm us, (me, our unborn baby, and himself) I found some strength to keep on moving forward. Carrying that heaviness in my heart I connected with another single parent. At first it seemed carefree but later that took a turn. It all changed one night when we agreed to meet up at a party. I was greeted with shocking news that he was intoxicated and caught cheating moments before I arrived. After a fight almost broke out that he was caught in the middle of- me and two of his friends were able to get him into a car (unaware that this would be the moment that my life would never be the same). The driver exited the car, his girlfriend still in the passenger side and myself along with my boyfriend in the back. He grabbed me by my leggings and pulled me towards him. I could hear my leggings ripping and the girl giggling. I said “Let me go,” after the third time he said “okay”——- my heart was pounding out of my chest—- I was now on the pavement floor next to the car. I sat there for what felt like seconds- minutes- I can’t be sure. My shoulder throbbing. The only thing I could do was lay down in fetal position when it clicked that I was shoved out of the car. He blamed this incident on me and always said that he was too intoxicated to remember anything. Eventually I believed it was fault. This next incident happened some time after. We left a bar abruptly after an ex showed up —— he wanted to stop at a local franchise for a quick bite. I was walking back to his car a few feet away (the opposite direction from him) because I was upset. —- He laughed it off, grabbed my hand, and pulled me the direction he was walking——(this part replays in my mind like a movie skipping scenes or a scratched up cd playing in a cd player) I remember his arms lifting me up and off the floor. — The shocked look on his face. — I grabbed the left side of my face once the stinging began. I was in pain, my vision was blurry. The entire left side of my face had slammed against the floor and slid a little. I asked him “why did you do that? Why did you pull me?” The same words came out of my mouth slightly louder and louder. At this point I focused on him and the defeated look in his eyes. I walked up to him and said “let’s go.” We stayed the night at a hotel where he cleaned and cared after my face. He spent the rest of the night tending to me as I cried myself to sleep. A few days later he said that I “drank” too much and that I tripped because of my heels. My physical reminder of that day: A crown on my top-left-front tooth and scar above my cupids bow as a reminder of that night. I began to seek God and pray for the strength to move on. Now in my early-30’s I thank God for the strength he gave me. I’m still figuring life out with as a mother of two. My anxiety is still with me but tolerable. I still cry when I hear other people’s stories. I wanted to share this because I still haven’t found the strength to speak to a therapist. How does one know if they were a victim of DV when some memories seem out of body. I’m hoping with me sharing I find the strength to seek the proper help so that I can feel validated after so many years of being gaslit and called a narcissist for not forgiving my abusers but most importantly that if someone else feels as if their experiences are similar to mine, that you remember you deserve so much more than what you didn’t ask for. I want to thank the platform for giving us a place to share our stories because as I typed this my hands were shaking from fear of backlash, thank you from my future self.