Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

My partner has emotionally manipulated me throughout our relationship. One day while we were at their grandparent's house, I was sitting on the couch when they started touching me inappropriately. I tried telling my family about it, but they said "he's your partner, that's what partners do." I felt uncomfortable, and this has happened multiple times. They tell me they will change but never do. Am I at fault for them touching me inappropriately, and do I deserve to feel guilty about not being able to say no?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this situation. You are absolutely not at fault for your partner's inappropriate touching, and you do not deserve to feel guilty about struggling to say no. It's important to remember that you're not responsible for someone else's actions, especially when it comes to your personal boundaries. No matter the relationship-- whether it's a partner, friend, or family member-- you have the right to feel comfortable and safe.

Being touched in ways that make you uncomfortable, especially after you've expressed that discomfort is not acceptable behavior in any relationship, regardless of the relationship status between you and this person. Consent is essential in all interactions and is an ongoing agreement that can be withdrawn at any time, even within romantic relationships. Just because someone is your partner does not give them the right to touch you in ways that make you uncomfortable or to continue touching you after you've expressed discomfort. Your feelings of discomfort are completely valid.

The emotional manipulation you mentioned creates an additional layer of harm that can make it incredibly challenging to assert yourself or say no. Manipulation often involves tactics that undermine your confidence, make you question your own perceptions, or create fear about the consequences of setting boundaries. This can make saying "no" feel impossible or unsafe, which is not your fault-- it's a natural response to being in a manipulative dynamic. It's not uncommon to feel guilty in these situations, but please know that the responsibility lies with the person who is disregarding your boundaries, not with you.

I'm sorry that your family wasn't supportive when you tried to share your feelings. Your family's response, while perhaps well-intentioned, reflects harmful misconceptions about relationships and consent. Dismissing your concerns by saying "that's what partners do" overlooks the importance of mutual respect and consent in a relationship and can be deeply damaging to survivors trying to understand their experiences. You deserve to have your feelings acknowledged and to be treated with consideration and care.

The pattern of promising to change but never following through is unfortunately common in harmful relationships. These promises often serve to maintain the relationship while avoiding actual accountability or change. You deserve a relationship where your boundaries are respected consistently, not just promised to be respected. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, communication, and honoring each other's boundaries.

It's understandable that you're feeling conflicted and unsure of what to do next. Please remember that your comfort and well-being are important. You deserve to be in a relationship where your boundaries are respected and where you feel safe expressing your feelings. You're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. You deserve relationships built on respect, safety, and genuine care for your wellbeing.

Question 2

When I was younger, I was exposed to adult sexual content and had inappropriate experiences with adults online. During that same period, out of curiosity about sex, I asked my younger brother if he wanted to "play" something sexual (without penetration) and he agreed. I feel very guilty and disgusted with myself. Was this COCSA or normal childhood sexual play? Is this something very serious?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with us. First, I want to acknowledge your courage in sharing something so difficult and painful. The feelings of guilt and disgust you describe are understandable, but I want to help you better understand this complex situation. What you describe reflects the profound impact of your early exposure to adult sexual content and inappropriate experiences with adults online. When children are exposed to sexual material or sexualized experiences before being developmentally ready, they may mimic or explore what they've seen without fully understanding it. This can sometimes lead to interactions with other children that, in hindsight, feel confusing or upsetting.

Determining whether an experience is considered Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) or childhood sexual play can be complex. COCSA typically involves a power imbalance, coercion, or force, while childhood sexual play generally occurs between children close in age who are exploring out of curiosity, without intent to harm or manipulate. The difference also includes factors like significant differences in power, age, or development, and behaviors that replicate adult sexual activity. In your case, given that both you and your brother were children and that you perceived it as a game at the time, it seems your behavior arose from curiosity influenced by inappropriate exposure, without intent to harm, though you recognize that you had more sexual knowledge than your brother due to your previous exposure.

It's crucial to remember that you were a victim of exploitation by adults who took advantage of your childhood vulnerability. Those adults are completely responsible for harming you. As a result of that victimization, you developed sexualized behaviors that weren't typical for your age. At ten years old, you were still learning about boundaries and appropriate behavior, and your younger brother was even less equipped to understand. This doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you a trauma survivor who manifested understandable symptoms.

Feeling guilty and disgusted with yourself is a heavy burden to carry, but it's important to recognize that as a child, you didn't have the maturity or understanding to fully grasp the implications of your actions. You weren't at fault for being exposed to inappropriate content, and you were navigating complex feelings and curiosity without proper guidance. The guilt you feel is real but directed at yourself when it should be directed at the adults who harmed you.

It might be helpful to speak with a mental health professional who can provide a safe space for you to explore these feelings further. They can offer support and help you process your emotions, allowing you to find compassion for your younger self. I strongly encourage you to seek therapeutic support specialized in childhood trauma and sexual victimization. Remember, you're not alone, and reaching out for help is a strong and brave step forward. You deserve healing and compassion, especially toward yourself.

Question 3

I developed OCD a few months ago related to false memories and sexuality, which I believe is a consequence of trauma. My memory was affected by past experiences and now I have intrusive thoughts accompanied by "groinal response" - an uncomfortable physical sensation in my intimate area that I also experience in situations of anxiety or discomfort. Could you explain more about this physical reaction and why it might be confused with arousal? I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it even happens when I read stories that generate anxiety for me.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing something so personal and confusing. What you're describing is a very common experience among trauma survivors and people with OCD, especially when there are themes related to sexuality.

The "groinal response" you mention is an involuntary physical reaction that many people with OCD experience. It's important to understand that when we talk about "arousal" in physiological terms, it doesn't always refer to sexual arousal. Your body can experience physiological arousal due to stress, which is simply the state of alertness or activation of the nervous system, without any sexual connotation.

When you experience anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or situations that generate discomfort, your autonomic nervous system activates. This system controls automatic bodily functions including heart rate, digestion, and yes, sensations in the genital area. The "fight or flight" response can cause a variety of physical symptoms: increased heart rate, sweating, muscle tension, and heightened sensitivity in various parts of the body, including the genitals.

The pathways in our brain that process anxiety and those that process physical sensations are closely connected. Intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature, even if they are unwanted and cause you distress, can trigger physical sensations simply because of how our nervous systems are wired. This doesn't mean that you're actually feeling sexual desire or arousal-- it's an automatic bodily response that you don't have control over.

Trauma can make our nervous system more reactive, and OCD can make us pay more attention to these sensations and give them more meaning than they actually have. It's completely understandable that you feel embarrassed, but these reactions are involuntary and don't reflect your true feelings, desires, or intentions.

Your ability to identify these patterns and seek understanding demonstrates tremendous self-awareness and strength. Be gentle with yourself and remember that you're taking positive steps by seeking information and support. Consider working with a therapist specialized in trauma and OCD who can help you better understand these responses and develop strategies to manage both the intrusive thoughts and the physical reactions that accompany them. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 4

As a child, I experienced sexual abuse and repeated exposure to sexual content from a very young age. During my adolescence, I sometimes used these memories for stimulation, and once I became aroused by explicit video content. I feel tremendous guilt about these reactions and wonder if it's possible to forgive myself. I also notice that certain sounds arouse me and don't know if this is normal. Is it possible to heal from this guilt and understand these reactions?

Accepted Answer

I want to begin by telling you that your ability to reflect on these experiences with such honesty requires extraordinary courage. What you describe are completely understandable responses to early trauma and premature sexual exposure.

When children are exposed to sexual content or experiences before being developmentally ready, the brain stores these experiences in complex ways that can influence physical and emotional responses years later. Your body learned to respond to certain stimuli during a critical developmental period, and these neurological responses don't reflect something "sick" in you--they reflect how your nervous system adapted to experiences you shouldn't have had to process as such a young child.

Without proper guidance or appropriate sexual education, it's natural that you tried to make sense of these experiences in the only ways you knew how. The sexual responses you had as a child and adolescent are actually predictable reactions to premature sexual exposure and abuse. When children are sexually abused or exposed to adult sexual content, they often exhibit what professionals call "sexual behavior problems" to make sense of confusing experiences and sensations they weren't developmentally ready to understand. Children often mimic behaviors they've seen without fully grasping their meaning, especially when they've been exposed to inappropriate material or abuse.

It's important to understand that physical arousal is an involuntary nervous system response. The fact that your body responded to memories or visual content doesn't make you complicit in your own trauma, nor does it mean you enjoyed the abuse. Many survivors experience confusing physical responses that can generate deep shame, but these reactions are symptoms of trauma, not evidence of guilt. Feeling guilt or shame about using memories from childhood as a source of arousal during adolescence is a common experience for survivors of early exposure to sexual content. Your brain was trying to make sense of sexuality using the only references it had, even if they were inappropriate.

Regarding the sounds you mention, it's common for early trauma to create neurological associations that persist into adulthood. Your brain formed connections during experiences you couldn't fully process as a child, and these connections can trigger involuntary physical responses. It's also important to understand that being aroused by certain stimuli, such as sexual sounds, can be a normal response. Human sexuality is complex, and our bodies and minds can associate arousal with various stimuli based on our experiences. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Arousal responses are often automatic and don't reflect your character or morality.

Self-forgiveness is not only possible, but it's an act of justice toward the child you were. That child didn't choose any of these experiences, and the adolescent who tried to understand confusing sensations and impulses was navigating the consequences of trauma without the necessary tools or support. The feelings of guilt you're experiencing are understandable, but it's important to recognize that you were a child and later an adolescent trying to navigate complex situations without adequate support or understanding. Self-compassion is a vital part of healing. The guilt you feel belongs to the adults who failed to protect you, not to you.

Healing from this guilt is a process that can benefit enormously from support from a therapist specialized in childhood sexual trauma. Therapies like EMDR or somatic approaches can help you process both the traumatic memories and the physical responses that create confusion. Many survivors find it helpful to speak with someone who understands trauma and can provide a safe space to explore these feelings.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 5

Is this assault or am I being dramatic? I went to see a therapist for an eating disorder, but most sessions he would ask me questions about my sex life and advised me to practice with toys so I'd be ready when I met someone. He also used to touch my thighs. It happened several years ago, but I forgot he touched me until recently. I do fear I'm being over dramatic about it though and it wasn't that bad, and maybe I'm just being too sensitive about it. My eating disorder did get way worse though, because I wanted to talk about that and not about sex. I've been told that since I'm an adult, the talking doesn't count as assault although inappropriate, but now I remembered the touching, and I don't know if that does. It feels so confusing, and I don't know why it's bothering me so much now, when I was fine before.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. I am so sorry to hear about what you've been through. Your feelings are completely valid, and you are absolutely not being overly dramatic or too sensitive. What you experienced matters.

What you've described sounds like a profound violation of professional boundaries and therapeutic ethics that caused you real, lasting harm. A therapist's sacred role is to provide a safe, professional space focused entirely on your healing, not to sexualize the therapeutic relationship or touch you inappropriately. From what you've shared, your therapist crossed professional boundaries that should never, ever be crossed. Asking intrusive questions about your sex life, suggesting you use toys to prepare for future relationships, and touching your thighs are all deeply inappropriate behaviors in any therapeutic setting. These actions represent serious professional misconduct and constitute both sexual harassment and, in the case of the unwanted touching, sexual assault.

When someone in a position of power and trust touches you in a sexual manner without your consent, that is assault regardless of the context, your age, or how much time has passed. Being over 18 doesn't make his actions acceptable or less harmful. Everyone has the fundamental right to feel safe and respected, especially when seeking help from a professional. The inappropriate sexual conversations, while perhaps not legally defined as assault, represent serious violations that created a harmful, exploitative environment when you were at your most vulnerable.

It's completely understandable that your eating disorder worsened during this time. You came seeking help for something specific and deeply personal, only to have your sessions hijacked by inappropriate sexual focus. The fact that your symptoms got worse because sessions became about sexual topics rather than your actual needs shows the direct, measurable impact of this misconduct on your wellbeing. This therapist failed you profoundly when you needed proper care most.

It's also completely normal and understandable that you're remembering and processing this now, even years later. Sometimes, our minds protect us by suppressing or minimizing traumatic memories until we're in a safer space emotionally to process them. The fact that you initially "forgot" the touching doesn't make it less real or serious. This is actually an incredibly common trauma response that many survivors experience. Our brains are remarkably protective, and sometimes our eating disorders or other coping mechanisms can mask or delay our processing of other traumas. This might explain why these feelings and memories are surfacing now as you work on your recovery journey.

Your nervous system and emotions are responding appropriately to a real violation that happened to you. You deserved proper, ethical treatment focused on your eating disorder, not sexual exploitation disguised as therapy. The confusion you're feeling makes complete sense. When someone who was supposed to help us causes harm instead, it can feel disorienting and make us question our own perceptions.

You're allowed to feel upset, angry, confused, or any other emotion about what happened, regardless of how much time has passed. Your feelings about this experience are not only valid but important signals that deserve to be honored and processed. I know that considering therapy again might feel terrifying after what you experienced. That's completely understandable and so many survivors feel this way. When someone who was supposed to be a safe person violated that trust so deeply, it makes sense that the thought of being vulnerable with another therapist would feel scary.

If and when you feel ready, seeking support from a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in both eating disorders and sexual trauma could be helpful, but there's absolutely no pressure or timeline for this decision. You get to move at your own pace and make choices that feel right and safe for you. In the meantime, you might consider reaching out to someone you trust to talk about this like a friend, family member, or calling a support hotline where you can process these difficult realizations without the commitment of ongoing therapy until you feel more ready. These conversations can be a gentle first step in your healing without the vulnerability that formal therapy requires right now.

You might also want to consider reporting this former therapist to their licensing board when and if you feel ready, as what they did was both illegal and unethical. However, this decision is completely yours to make on your own timeline. There's no pressure to take any particular action - your healing and wellbeing come first, and you deserve to focus on what feels manageable and supportive for you right now.

You deserve care, respect, and proper therapeutic support. Your healing matters deeply, and you have every right to seek the help you originally went looking for. Thank you for reaching out to us with this. You are not alone.

Question 6

Is it still considered childhood-on-child-sexual abuse (COCSA) if I was forced to say yes during the experience?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out with this important question. I'm sorry to hear that you're grappling with such a difficult and confusing experience. Consent must be given freely, willingly, and without any form of pressure, manipulation, or coercion. If you were forced to say "yes," then genuine consent was not present. Being forced to give consent is not true consent at all--it is coercion and it completely invalidates any verbal agreement you may have given.

In situations involving child-on-child sexual activities, if one child pressures, coerces, or forces another into agreeing, it still constitutes child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). The fact that you were compelled to say "yes" does not make the experience any less serious or any less valid. True consent requires the freedom to say no without fear of consequences, threats, or pressure. When someone forces you to agree to sexual activity, whether through physical force, emotional manipulation, threats, or any other form of coercion, they are taking away your agency and your right to make a genuine choice about your own body.

It's incredibly common for survivors to question the validity of their experiences, especially when coercion was involved and it's completely normal to have questions and mixed emotions about this. You might feel confused, upset, or unsure about how to label what happened, and that's okay. These feelings are completely understandable, but they don't change the reality of what happened to you.

Your feelings and experiences are important, and acknowledging them is a significant step toward understanding and healing. If you feel comfortable, consider reaching out to a trusted adult, friend, or professional who can provide guidance and help you process your feelings. You're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 7

A friend I've known since middle school has done things that make me question whether it's normal friend behavior or sexual harassment. We used to joke about dating, which led to unwanted touching like putting fingers in my mouth and kissing me without permission. More recently, this friend has been groping me, and I haven't told them to stop. Is this sexual harassment or just friend behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what's been happening. It's completely understandable to feel unsure about this situation, and your instincts to question these actions are completely valid. Navigating friendships and personal boundaries can be challenging, especially when actions make you feel uncomfortable.

From what you've described, your friend has been touching you in ways without asking for your consent. Even if you didn't tell her to stop, these actions cross personal boundaries and are not typical friend behavior. Many people freeze, feel confused, or don't know how to respond in the moment when boundaries are crossed, especially when it involves someone they care about or trust. Your reaction is completely normal and doesn't make these interactions any less inappropriate.

Consent and mutual agreement are important in any kind of physical interaction, whether it's with friends, acquaintances, or anyone else. Just because you're friends doesn't automatically make all forms of touch acceptable, and the fact that you two joked about dating doesn't create permission for physical contact you didn't actually agree to. Consent needs to be clear, ongoing, and freely given—not assumed based on jokes, past interactions, or silence. Everyone has the right to their personal space and to express how they feel about being touched.

It's important to reflect on how these interactions make you feel. If they make you uncomfortable, confused, or unsure, those feelings are valid and worth acknowledging. You have every right to set boundaries and communicate them to your friend. Consider having an open and honest conversation with her about how her actions have affected you. You might say something like, "I feel uncomfortable when you touch me without asking. Can we talk about this?" Sharing your feelings can help her understand your perspective and may improve your friendship.

If you're unsure about handling this on your own, it might be helpful to talk to a trusted adult who can provide support and guidance. You deserve to feel safe and respected in all your relationships, and you deserve relationships where your boundaries are respected. Protecting your own well-being and bodily autonomy is always okay, even when it feels complicated because of existing friendships. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 8

I feel out of control and can feel my abuser's hands on me constantly. I can't tell which thoughts are mine versus his, and he feels so present in my mind and heart that I can't escape him. I feel like I'm having constant panic attacks and it's exhausting. How do I begin to deal with this? Is there anything I can do to stop this feeling or at least distract myself?

Accepted Answer

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. What you are experiencing is incredibly challenging and exhausting, and I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid. You've been through a traumatic experience, and these overwhelming sensations and thoughts are common responses to trauma. They don't mean you're broken or that there's something wrong with you.

What you're describing-- feeling his hands on you, that persistent presence in your mind, the confusion about which thoughts are yours-- these are called somatic memories and intrusive thoughts. Trauma gets stored not just in our minds but in our bodies, and your nervous system is still responding as if the danger is present. Your body learned to survive something terrible, and it's still in that survival mode, working overtime to try to protect you.

One thing that might help is finding ways to ground yourself in the present moment. When you're in that constant state of panic, grounding techniques can help bring you back to now. Try focusing on your senses - notice the feeling of your feet on the floor, the texture of something you can touch, or the sounds you can hear around you. You might also try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Cold water on your hands or face, holding ice cubes, or pressing your feet firmly into the ground can help remind your body where you are now. These small actions can sometimes help you reconnect with the here and now, giving your mind a brief relief from overwhelming thoughts.

For that constant panic feeling, deep, slow breathing can help calm your nervous system. Try breathing in for 4 counts, holding for 4, and exhaling for 6. For distraction, engaging activities that require focus can help interrupt those intrusive thoughts and sensations. This might be puzzles, art, music, physical movement, or anything that fully engages your attention. Some people find bilateral activities helpful. Those are things that engage both sides of your body like walking, drumming, or even tapping your knees alternately.

It may also be helpful to reach out to someone you trust. Sharing your feelings with a friend, family member, or support group can provide a sense of relief and remind you that you are not alone. There's strength in seeking connection with others who care about you. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can be incredibly helpful in learning to separate your authentic voice from those intrusive thoughts and in processing these overwhelming experiences safely.

Remember to be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time, and it's okay to take things one step at a time. Engaging in activities that you find calming or enjoyable, like listening to music, writing in a journal, or spending time in nature, can offer moments of peace amidst the chaos. Your nervous system can learn to feel safe again, though it takes time and often professional support.

Please know that you're not alone in this, and there are people who want to support you. Reaching out is a brave first step, and it's okay to ask for help when you need it. You deserve to feel peace in your own mind and body. Thank you so much for trusting us with this.

Question 9

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 10

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. It can be so difficult to navigate situations when we are in social circles with people who have caused us harm in the past.

The feelings you are feeling, while challenging, are not uncommon for people who have experienced sexual coersion the way you have. Survivors of sexual coercion and assault often feel conflicted and confused about their feelings towards the person who harmed them, especially if they knew them beforehand.

Your feelings are absolutely valid. While it is natural to feel some guilt, you have the right to make choices that prioritize your safety and well-being. Avoiding the person who sexually coerced you is a completely understandable response, and it's okay to take steps to protect yourself.

We hope this goes without saying, but it is NOT your fault what happened to you. Consent needs to be clear and enthusiastic for it to be valid. No matter what the circumstances were, no one has the right to touch you without your consent. It's not your responsibility to make this person feel better or to justify your choices to anyone else. But we understand that this is a challenging situation to navigate.

It is hard to say whether or not this person knows the extent of the harm they caused. And it is up to you whether or not you feel comfortable telling them about that harm. At the end of the day, you need to do what is right for you and your healing. There is no right or wrong answer, but do not sacrifice your comfort for theirs. Your feelings matter too.

Thank you again for reaching out to us. We are here for you every step of the way. You are not alone.

Question 11

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 12

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 13

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 14

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 15

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 16

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. There are several valuable books and resources available that can support your healing journey from sexual abuse. Some books we recommend include:

"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk explores how trauma affects the brain and body, offering insights into treating traumatic stress and new paths to recovery. It provides a comprehensive look at the nature of trauma and its impact on our physical and mental well-being.

Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" is a groundbreaking work that examines the healing process of survivors and the challenges faced by those dealing with prolonged, repeated trauma. It offers a framework for understanding trauma and a roadmap for recovery, making it a valuable resource for many survivors.

"The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a comprehensive guide specifically for survivors of child sexual abuse and their loved ones. It provides practical tools, exercises, and personal testimonies to support the healing journey.

For those looking to understand the broader context of sexual violence and advocacy, Tarana Burke's "Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement" offers powerful insights. Burke shares her personal journey from victim to survivor to activist, detailing the origins of the Me Too movement and exploring the importance of community in addressing sexual violence.

Chanel Miller's memoir "Know My Name" also provides a searing, eloquent account of trauma, healing, and the challenges within the justice system in handling sexual assault cases. Miller reclaims her identity after being known as "Emily Doe" in a high-profile sexual assault case, offering a profound exploration of the recovery process.

In addition to these books, online resources like the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) and me too's Survivor Sanctuary website offer extensive information, support, and access to hotlines (RAINN) for immediate help.

Thank you for asking this question. You are not alone.

Question 17

What is the rape kit backlog and what are my evidence collecting options?

Accepted Answer

After a sexual assault, a survivor can choose to have forensic exam (sometimes called a “rape kit” or “SANE exam”) completed at a hospital or designated rape crisis center with a specially trained medical professional.

A forensic exam typically assesses and documents any injuries, swabs for DNA evidence, and administers medication to prevent pregnancy and STD/STIs. This exam is free and is most effective when it is completed within 72 hours after an assault has occurred.

Having a forensic exam after an assault is a separate process from filing a report with law enforcement. You can choose to have evidence collected, but do not have to report your sexual assault at the same time if you don’t want to.

If you want to report your sexual assault, law enforcement will pick up any evidence and send it to a crime lab for testing. If you don’t want to report or are unsure, you can still have evidence collected, but it will be stored safely in case you want to report later.

States often limit how long you can wait to report a crime, ranging from 2-30 years. If you may be interested in reporting your assault at any point, look up these limits based on the state where your assault occurred.

These are difficult decisions to make. You are not alone if you feel overwhelmed or unsure on what to do. Know that there is no “right” choice—there is only the choice that is right for you.

Having evidence saved is different from the rape kit backlog. The backlog refers to cases where a survivor makes a report, but evidence is not analyzed for a DNA match. This happens when evidence is never sent to a crime lab, or when a lab takes too long to process it.

The backlog is an issue because the success of a legal case often depends on what evidence is available. The failure to process rape kits and test for DNA matches can affect whether a survivor obtains the justice they deserve.

While the rape kit backlog problem has improved substantially, we still have a very long way to go until all backlogged kits are properly tested. Reporting after an assault has historically been a complex issue. If you need help navigating your options, contact your local rape crisis center.

Question 18

What should I do if I am unable to leave an unhealthy environment?

Accepted Answer

It’s not always possible to leave an unhealthy environment, but creating a detailed safety plan can help minimize risk and help you navigate difficult living situations. Safety plans look different for everyone, and you decide what pieces are useful to you and your situation.

Living in an unhealthy environment is stressful and predicting when conflict or potential danger might erupt is difficult. In moments of tension, it’s hard to think clearly and know how to respond. Developing a safety plan helps you think through and plan for scenarios before they happen.

An exit plan can be critical for situations that might become dangerous. It can be helpful to think through belongings you would need to quickly leave, what door is easiest to access, who you will contact after leaving, and where you can go for safety.

Safe spaces could include the homes of nearby friends or family, a public space that is well populated and where you feel safe, or a housing shelter.

Safety plans can also be used to meet psychological and emotional needs. If it’s not possible or necessary to physically exit your environment, finding a safe and private space within your living space or nearby can be of equal importance for your mental wellbeing.

You don’t need to have a physical copy of your plan, especially if it would be a risk if found. Mentally planning is just as valid and useful. If you do write it out, try to keep it in a private place or in a password protected note, where it’s less likely to be found by others.

Safety planning is a tool that can help minimize risk, but remember that you are never responsible for someone else’s violent or abusive actions.

When you are unable to leave an unhealthy living situation, it can feel like you’re responsible for managing the emotions and behaviors of those around you. It’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and worth when your environment does not reflect back how important you truly are.

Your thoughts and feelings matter. You matter. You are never responsible for the hurtful actions of those around you. You are worthy of feeling safe and loved. https://ncadv.org/get-help

Question 19

Is it possible to get flashbacks despite being healed? Does feeling nothing mean I've healed?

Accepted Answer

Many survivors of sexual violence describe recovery as an ongoing process that takes time. You might notice some days feel really good, while other days are more difficult to get through.

There are so many different ways our bodies & minds respond to trauma. While we are all unique in our experiences, & in the ways we cope & recover, there are some patterns & commonalities that many survivors share.

Survivors of trauma tend to experience symptoms that fall into four broad categories: intrusion, avoidance, changes in mood/cognition, & reactivity. Intrusive symptoms include flashbacks, as well as distressing memories and upsetting nightmares.

Numbness is usually a mood-related symptom. It manifests as feeling emotionally distant, disconnected from others, or even disconnected from yourself. For some, numbness is an avoidance symptom. It can be your brain’s attempt to protect you from intense feelings or memories.

It’s incredibly common for survivors of trauma or violence to continue to experience traumatic stress symptoms weeks, months, or even years later. Having a flashback when you thought you were fully healed does not mean you are not making progress.

Recovery isn’t defined by the absence of all symptoms or memories of your trauma. It can be measured by the strength & resiliency you exhibit just by showing up each day & trying your best.

Recovery can be the length of time that grows between your flashbacks, or it could be learning & trying a new coping mechanism. You get to decide how you want to measure your recovery, and what is important to you.

Your path might look different or move at a faster/slower pace compared to someone else. Being healed is not a destination, but a lifelong journey taken one step at a time with support & understanding.

If your flashbacks or feelings of numbness persist, or if you notice that they are interfering with your life in a way that affects your daily functioning or relationships--it might be time to involve others in your healing.

Whether that’s a partner, friend, family member, trusted adult, or mental health professional--it’s always okay to ask for help. You don’t have to go through recovery alone.

Question 20

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Welcome to Our Wave.

Questions & Answers

What are you interested in?

Topics

Is it still considered childhood-on-child-sexual abuse (COCSA) if I was forced to say yes during the experience?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

What is the rape kit backlog and what are my evidence collecting options?

What should I do if I am unable to leave an unhealthy environment?

Is it possible to get flashbacks despite being healed? Does feeling nothing mean I've healed?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Is it possible to get flashbacks despite being healed? Does feeling nothing mean I've healed?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

What is the rape kit backlog and what are my evidence collecting options?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Is it still considered childhood-on-child-sexual abuse (COCSA) if I was forced to say yes during the experience?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

What should I do if I am unable to leave an unhealthy environment?

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