When a pattern appears don’t ignore it.

I haven’t always had the most luck with relationships. When I was 13 I had a girlfriend that was abusive, she would cut herself in front of me and smile about it because she likes the way I panicked about keeping her safe. At one point she said I didn’t love her if I didn’t take my cloths off in a bathroom stall with her. That relationship ended pretty quick and I got support from most to help me mostly heal from it. When I was about 15 I think is when I meant someone online that I ended up dating. He lived about 6 hours away so we couldn’t normally see each other without planning ahead of time and normally for some sort of event. I knew from the start he wasn’t going to be greatest person but just getting out of the previous relationship I thought anything would be better. So I stayed even with some of the not amazing things he’d do. He would often tell me about him S/H because I would try to take care of him, very reminiscent of my last relationship but I got over it. He sometimes would also have “panic attacks” and the only way I learned to get him to stop would be to go on a FaceTime and show myself. That was an action that most didn’t know he did but it still sticks in my head. I’m well aware now that I’m Asexual but back then I thought I was just being dramatic so I got over how uncomfortable it made me. It only got worse after we meant in person. He was super sexual with me, making me do thing to make him feel better and sometimes being physically abusive. At one point he got upset and me and chocked me, I tried to fight him but he was stronger then me. I almost passed out and I thought I was going to die. Thankfully he let go, idk what made him let go but before my vision completely left he walked away. What made me finally breaks up with him happened on my 16th birthday. It was later in the night and he asked to have sex. He knew I was uncomfortable with this but he still asked. I said no and kinda shut down. (I have autism and often in situations like that I go non-verbal and kinda close off) he kept asking until I finally gave in and nodded yes. Never even verbally said yes. It ended with me having a panic attack, I couldn’t breath and just started to cry. He said sorry but later went to bed leaving me just sitting there. I broke up with him after he left my house, I didn’t want to do it in person. I was scared what he would do.