--- title: #2016 ~ Our Wave Community description: I'm hoping this is truly anonymous because I am in a sensitive situation that no one I know can know a thing about. I have to get this out some way and it... url: https://api.ourwave.org/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 ###### Survivor story # #2016 Original story ##### Message of Healing I have no healing goals at the moment. I don't have any coping mechanisms. That's something that is incredibly hard for Borderlines. How can I heal if I can't cope with anything, big or small? I'm hoping this is truly anonymous because I am in a sensitive situation that no one I know can know a thing about. I have to get this out some way and it must be anonymously. I have been with my boyfriend, well, fiance, for 8 years in January. He's always been my best friend. The love of my life. My person. Until last night. He suddenly turned to me out of nowhere and said, "I raped you." When I asked him to clarify because I couldn't believe my ears and I was taken aback, he responded, "I would try to wake you up for sex but couldn't get you to wake up (I take medication that knocks me out) and I couldn't handle you pushing me away and saying no anymore (zero libido due to meds and mental health struggles) so I resorted to betraying you in your sleep. My hand wasn't working and I never saw a reason for you to say no. I'm so sorry I allowed myself to do this. The last time I did it, I felt so guilty I was afraid to touch you ever again." I was completely unconscious, no memory of any of this at all. I don't even know how long this went on for. He can't recount how many times or when the last time was. Only that it was sometime earlier this year. I can't believe this. This is not who I thought he was. At all. He's been my best friend by my side for so long. I have never been sexually assaulted before. He is the very last person I would have feared doing this in the entire universe. He's supposed to be protecting me from people that commit these atrocious acts. He always swore he would. I always believed him. I suffer immensely from an emotional disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and I am having a very hard time right now. I don't know what to think. I feel used and dirty and I can't look at myself. I can't look at him either. I feel like all I am is a body to use right now. He even had the audacity to ask me if I can see this as less than what it is because of the trouble I have put him through with all of my mental illnesses. I can't lie, that set me off. "How can you possibly see my emotional burden as equal to raping me in my sleep, stealing my body to do with as you please without me knowing a thing??" I can't tell a soul and all I want to do is run to my mom and spill my guts but I know I can't. Not now. I have nowhere else to live but with him. We have a 10 year old who worships him. I have become terrified of getting a job and being independent. I have never lived on my own and am severely dependent. I wake up every morning feeling like a different person than the days before. My emotions control my reality. I have never been stable or able to hold down a job for long. My insurance was taken in january and my mental health has been declining rapidly. My mental health is at a record low. I never in an infinite amount of years saw this coming from him. No one in our lives would have expected this. We've always seen him as a very good man. How could he do this?? Who would he have done this to if he had been single? I suddenly feel like I've never been anything more than a body to him. I feel like I don't know who I've been living with for almost a decade. It feels like our entire life together has been woven with his lies. I didn't go to sleep last night, just stayed up bawling and shaking and panicking and hyperventilating. I'm exhausted and frightened of my future, our future. My little family feels like it was just torn apart. He has been crying all night, apologizing profusely. As someone with BPD, I get very, VERY attached to certain people and it feels IMPOSSIBLE to let go of them. Especially him. This is my longest relationship and we've faced so much in our lives together. One of my biggest fears in the world is abandonment. Thinking about him being gone makes me feel incredibly abandoned. I don't want to be judged for this, but I love him, I truly do. He is a part of me and I can't control that. But I'm also afraid that he isn't who I thought he was, not really, and my whole world will never be the same or okay. If he could hide this for so many years, could there be more that I deserve to be aware of? I don't know what to do and I need to be strong for my child. Thank you for reading if you made it this far. This is so new and petrifying and I truly do not know where to turn. My world has come crashing down on me. Random Story [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016#comments) - Report ### Discard message? You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it? Cancel Discard ##### Similar community content Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. 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Try a grounding activity For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Show resources for \[Image: United States\]United States [\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=bo)[\[Image: Canada\]Canada](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016?country=ve) English [English](/en/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016)[Español](/es/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016)[日本語](/ja/story/8288adaa-9ec3-49ec-af18-236421eb5722-2016) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of support with the community. 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Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready