---
title: Managing emotions and how you feel in your body: Expert Answers ~ Our Wave
description: Managing emotions and how you feel in your body: 83 survivor questions answered by trauma-informed experts in the Our Wave community.
url: https://api.ourwave.org/en/learn/topics/managing-emotions-and-how-you-feel-in-your-body.md
---

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# Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

Ask a question

Questions about the feelings and body responses trauma can leave behind, such as anxiety, numbness, flashbacks and trouble with touch, and ways to cope.

83 questions from survivors on this topic, each answered by a trauma-informed expert.

[

#### Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

🇺🇸

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

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[

#### Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-to-have-experienced-pleasure-during-an-assault-i-think-i-may-have-had-an-orgasm-but-im-not-sure-i-feel-so-betrayed-by-my-body-im-just-too-embarrassed-and-ashamed-to-ask-my-therapist-87)

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[

#### How do I understand why something triggers me?

🇺🇸

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response. After a ​traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

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[

#### How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

🇺🇸

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse. If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-deal-with-bad-days-when-i-am-healing-from-trauma-45)

5 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### I experienced sexual violence. How do I get over the guilt of reporting it?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. I want to start by acknowledging your strength and courage in reaching out for support. Dealing with the aftermath of sexual violence is incredibly difficult, and the feelings of guilt you're experiencing are a common and valid response to trauma and the decisions survivors often need to make in the aftermath. Please know that the guilt is not yours to carry - the responsibility lies solely with the person who harmed you.

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[

#### I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

🇺🇸

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...

](/en/answer/i-got-assaulted-but-i-dont-really-feel-anything-is-something-wrong-with-me-2 "The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with \"not caring\" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...")

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#### I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

](/en/answer/i-think-i-mightve-been-groomed-and-sexually-abused-as-a-child-but-my-memory-feels-very-scrambled-i-feel-guilty-for-thinking-i-mightve-been-assaulted-what-do-i-do-63)

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[

#### Why does being assaulted or abused make some victims feel "dirty" or disgusted with themselves a lot of the time?

🇰🇼

Thank you for this question. This is a difficult and painful topic to discuss, but it is an extremely common sentiment that people have after experiencing assault or abuse. If you experienced assault or abuse and are feeling this way, you are not alone. Many survivors struggle with these feelings of being "dirty" or disgusted with themselves, and there are several reasons why this happens.

](/en/answer/why-does-being-assaulted-or-abused-make-some-victims-feel-dirty-or-disgusted-with-themselves-a-lot-of-the-time-243 "Thank you for this question. This is a difficult and painful topic to discuss, but it is an extremely common sentiment that people have after experiencing assault or abuse. If you experienced assault or abuse and are feeling this way, you are not alone. Many survivors struggle with these feelings of being \"dirty\" or disgusted with themselves, and there are several reasons why this happens.")

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[

#### How do I make this discomfort and confusion to go away?

🇧🇭

Thank you for asking this question and we are sorry you are dealing with so much discomfort and confusion. Those are some really challenging feelings to work through, but you are not alone. We want to start by saying that it is perfectly normal to feel discomfort and confusion after experiencing sexual violence. These feelings do not need to last forever, however, and will decrease over time.

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[

#### What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

🇺🇸

Self-blame is a complicated feeling that often accompanies past abuse or trauma. Self-blame can be felt for a variety of reasons. For example, sometimes survivors feel that their behavior encouraged or caused harm to occur to them. Other times survivors may blame themselves for the trauma symptoms they carry afterwards or “not healing fast enough.”

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1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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#### Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop?

🇺🇸

First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, ​but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255.

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[NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community](https://stories.nomore.org)

[

#### What should I do about my anger towards the perpetrator?

🇯🇵

First, let me tell you that feeling anger towards someone who has hurt you is a very natural and valid reaction. There is no need to blame yourself or feel ashamed of your feelings, thinking, "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "I should forgive the other person." The fact that you feel anger speaks to the fact that you have been hurt. Sometimes, anger can come over you in waves so strong that it's hard to process. Anger is a natural response to injustice and unfairness, especially when your important boundaries and dignity are violated. If y...

](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-about-my-anger-towards-the-perpetrator-824 "First, let me tell you that feeling anger towards someone who has hurt you is a very natural and valid reaction. There is no need to blame yourself or feel ashamed of your feelings, thinking, \"I shouldn't be feeling this way\" or \"I should forgive the other person.\" The fact that you feel anger speaks to the fact that you have been hurt. Sometimes, anger can come over you in waves so strong that it's hard to process. Anger is a natural response to injustice and unfairness, especially when your important boundaries and dignity are violated. If y...")

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### I’m incredibly anxious about being harmed again. I'm scared to leave my house. What can I do about this?

🇰🇼

Thank you for reaching out to us. I understand how frightening and overwhelming your situation feels right now. It's completely natural to experience anxiety and fear after being harmed, and your desire to stay home where you feel safe is a normal response to trauma. However, it's important to remember that you have the strength within you to overcome these feelings and reclaim a sense of freedom in your life.

](/en/answer/im-incredibly-anxious-about-being-harmed-again-im-scared-to-leave-my-house-what-can-i-do-about-this-226)

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[

#### Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

🇺🇸

There is nothing wrong with you for still feeling this way. The disgust you're feeling is not about who you are...it's about what was done to you. But trauma has a cruel way of turning that outward violation inward, making you feel like the wrongness lives inside your body rather than in the actions of the person who harmed you.

](/en/answer/why-do-i-feel-so-disgusted-by-myself-its-been-months-since-he-touched-me-and-days-since-i-was-stalked-and-i-still-feel-so-uncomfortable-in-my-own-skin-why-cant-i-move-past-this-858)

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[

#### How can I deal with the mental and cognitive impacts of my trauma?

🇺🇸

Most people experience some form of emotional or cognitive symptoms after trauma. But, just because it’s common doesn’t mean that it’s always easy to cope with. Some common emotional effects of trauma are fear, numbness or detachment, heightened emotional reactivity, depression, guilt, and irritability. Some common cognitive effects include difficulties concentrating or remembering things, nightmares, disorientation, or intrusive thoughts.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-deal-with-the-mental-and-cognitive-impacts-of-my-trauma-49)

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[

#### I have a hard time with touch due to sexual trauma in my childhood, but I Have two kids who are always touching me. Is there a way to cope with all of that touching?

🇺🇸

Having a hard time with physical touch after sexual trauma is normal. Even if the present touching is not sexual in nature, it can trigger past traumas when you were touched without your permission. To manage this, try to notice what physically happens to your body when someone touches you. Feelings can include shortness of breath, feelings tense, racing heartbeat, dizziness, or blurry vision. Once you notice how your body reacts to physical touch, you can better figure out how to self-soothe and manage these reactions.

](/en/answer/i-have-a-hard-time-with-touch-due-to-sexual-trauma-in-my-childhood-13)

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#### How do you work through the triggers from trauma in your daily life?

🇺🇸

Triggers are emotional reactions produced by the part of our brain called the amygdala. The amygdala activates the fight or flight response our bodies have when we feel that our lives are in danger. Our neural systems cannot tell the difference between emotional threats and physical ones, so our bodies respond similarly in both situations. When triggered, our bodies attempt to protect us by releasing stress-related hormones and peptides. A trigger is a response that seems disproportionate to the event that transpired.

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#### There is so much going on in the world. My trauma feels insignificant compared to what others are going through. How do I manage that?

🇺🇸

There is something about our current state that can make any personal trauma feel unworthy. How can I feel this pain when I have a roof over my head? When I have a job? When I am healthy? While this reframing and acknowledgement of the intensity of others’ suffering is an important empathetic response, it also can harm our own processing of the events that impact us.

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#### Is it normal for me to miss the person who assaulted me? I even feel jealous when I learn other people get their attention positively or even negatively.

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. When a person is assaulted, they may experience a variety of emotions in the aftermath, some of which may include feelings of attachment or longing towards the person who caused them harm. These feelings can be confusing and distressing, but it's important to remember that they do not diminish the seriousness of the assault you experienced.

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[

#### I was assaulted 6 years ago, but the memories are just beginning to flow back. I think about it every other day and it’s been causing me a lot of stress and depression. Could this be a sign that it was traumatic?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. What you're describing is not uncommon for survivors of assault, and your feelings are entirely valid. First, let's define trauma. Individual trauma results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being. It's important to note that trauma is subject...

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[

#### I've been in therapy for two years processing sexual trauma. Recently, I've started experiencing physical arousal when thinking about or processing the assault. This is particularly distressing since I'm gay and the assault was by someone of the opposite sex. Are these physical responses normal during trauma processing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this. Physical arousal during trauma processing is a common and normal physiological response that many survivors experience, though it can feel deeply confusing and distressing. Our bodies can react to traumatic memories in complex ways, even when the experiences are painful or go against our sexual orientation. These responses occur because our nervous system remembers and can react to any type of touch or sexual content, whether wanted or unwanted.

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[

#### I'm experiencing severe flashbacks that make it difficult to even shower without feeling like others are touching me. I feel afraid around men and my sister, and I'm constantly worried about being objectified. The stress has led me to relapse into self-harm after being clean for about a year. Do you have any advice to help me feel better? I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with your inner most thoughts and feelings. What you are going through right now matters deeply, and the pain you're experiencing is real. The flashbacks during showers, the fear around others, and feeling objectified are all common responses to trauma - your body and mind trying to protect you, even when it hurts.

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Community note

This question contains references to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis helpline.

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[

#### How do I recover from my rapist getting his charges expunged?

🇺🇸

Recovering from the expungement of charges against your rapist can be a difficult and painful process. First, we want to acknowledge and validate whatever feelings you may be having at this time. It is normal to feel a wide range of emotions when you are processing something as difficult as you are experiencing, including anger, betrayal, and despair. What happened to you was not fair.

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#### As a Catholic, I struggle with feelings of impurity after my assault. I did things afterward that I thought I had to do to keep people around because they wanted me to. I've been to church and confession and was told it wasn't my fault and that I'm forgiven, but I still struggle with these feelings about purity. What can I do?

🇺🇸

I hear the pain in your words, and I want you to know that your struggle with these feelings is so deeply understandable. The weight you are carrying around purity and worth is something many survivors experience, especially when faith is such an important part of who you are. Your heart is trying to make sense of something that was never meant to happen to you, and that process can feel overwhelming and confusing.

](/en/answer/as-a-catholic-i-struggle-with-feelings-of-impurity-after-my-assault-i-did-things-afterward-that-i-thought-i-had-to-do-to-keep-people-around-because-they-wanted-me-to-ive-been-to-church-and-confession)

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[

#### I was abused as a child by a family member. Since starting trauma therapy, I'm flooded with memories - not of the abuse, but of the house where it happened. Smells, sounds, tastes, images of rooms, my drawings, TV shows I watched. They come randomly throughout the day. I keep wanting to say "NO" to make them stop. Is this normal? What's my brain trying to tell me?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for asking this. I'm sure the flood of these memories can be disorienting, frightening, and isolating for you. What you're experiencing is indeed normal and common for survivors beginning trauma therapy. The flood of memories you're encountering is a typical response as your brain starts to unpack experiences it had previously tucked away for your protection. The sensory nature of these memories - smells, sounds, tastes, images - is very common, especially for childhood experiences, as our senses are deeply connected to memor...

](/en/answer/i-was-abused-as-a-child-by-a-family-member-since-starting-trauma-therapy-im-flooded-with-memories-not-of-the-abuse-but-of-the-house-where-it-happened-smells-sounds-tastes-images-of-rooms-my-drawings-tv-shows-i-watched-they-come-randomly-throughout-the-day-i-keep-wanting-to-say-no-to-make-them-stop-is-this-normal-whats-my-brain-trying-to-tell-me-180)

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[

#### Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

🇮🇪

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. It is not uncommon for survivors of sexual violence to experience lingering feelings of guilt and shame even years after abuse, especially when the assault was perpetrated by someone they trusted such as a partner. Particularly if there are complicating factors such as deceit and memory gaps, making sense of and managing this shame can be especially difficult.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-to-feel-so-much-guilt-and-shame-even-years-after-the-rape-i-experienced-at-the-hands-of-my-then-boyfriend-he-has-lied-and-deceived-me-and-that-has-added-to-my-trauma-i-also-have-incomplete-memories-of-the-event-that-i-cannot-remember-clearly-95)

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[

#### Is it normal for me to begin to forget my assault? I feel as though I am making progress and now I am forgetting what it was like to be assaulted and the memories are fading. Does this mean I overplayed the event or is this normal?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. It's common for people who experience sexual assault to experience changes in their traumatic memories over time. While some of that may be related to the passing of time generally, memories of traumatic events specifically can be especially fragmented, disjointed, or difficult to recall in the future. For some survivors, memories may become more vivid over time. For others, their memories might become more fuzzy or distant. Both are equally valid responses to traumatic events.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-for-me-to-begin-to-forget-my-assault-i-feel-as-though-i-am-making-progress-and-now-i-am-forgetting-what-it-was-like-to-be-assaulted-and-the-memories-are-fading-does-this-mean-i-overplayed-the-event-or-is-this-normal-70)

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[

#### Why is it so difficult for me to manage my emotions?

🇺🇸

When you experience something traumatic, your body temporarily goes into “fight or flight mode,” meaning that it is adapting to stressful stimuli and going into survival mode to protect itself. Unfortunately, sometimes even when the threat has passed, particularly when it was chronic or repeated, your body can become stuck in that state of high alert.

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[

#### I often feel like a burden to others and wish I could disappear. My trauma happened long ago and continued for an extended period, so it feels normal to me now. However, I still encounter the person who hurt me regularly, and each time feels like reopening a wound. Shouldn't I be over this by now? How do I begin healing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us with such deeply personal feelings. I want to start by saying that it takes immense strength to name the pain you're carrying, and I'm honored that you've trusted us with your story. What you're experiencing--all of it--makes complete sense, and you are not alone in feeling this way.

](/en/answer/i-often-feel-like-a-burden-to-others-and-wish-i-could-disappear-my-trauma-happened-long-ago-and-continued-for-an-extended-period-so-it-feels-normal-to-me-now-however-i-still-encounter-the-person-who-h)

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[

#### I didn’t know I lived with trauma until I started therapy...now I can’t help but minimize it?

🇺🇸

We received many questions about trauma processing and identity. Let’s talk about this in two parts with the help of a PhD prepared mental health nurse and sexual assault nurse examiner from @ourwavestories. We will start with talking about coming to terms with trauma as it relates to our identity, and then we will talk about integrating it into our identity.

](/en/answer/i-didnt-know-i-lived-with-trauma-until-started-therapy-now-cant-help-but-minimize-7)

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[

#### What are ways to deal with guilt over inability to trust loved ones?

🇰🇼

Thank you for opening up about these feelings of guilt. It's important for you to know that struggling to trust loved ones after experiencing trauma is a completely normal and understandable response. Your mind is trying to protect you, and while it may feel frustrating or isolating at times, it's not a reflection of your worth or your care for those around you.

](/en/answer/what-are-ways-to-deal-with-guilt-over-inability-to-trust-loved-ones-217)

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[

#### Is there a way to relieve nausea I am feeling after being assaulted?

🇰🇼

I am so sorry you are feeing nausea that won't subside after your assault. While this is a common and understandable physicological response to trauma, hat sounds extremely uncomfortable. When you go through a traumatic event like an assault, your body's stress response system is activated, triggering the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This is part of the "fight, flight, or freeze" response, an instinctive reaction to perceived threats. These hormones can affect various bodily functions, including your digest...

](/en/answer/is-there-a-way-to-relieve-nausea-i-am-feeling-after-being-assaulted-278 "I am so sorry you are feeing nausea that won't subside after your assault. While this is a common and understandable physicological response to trauma, hat sounds extremely uncomfortable. 
When you go through a traumatic event like an assault, your body's stress response system is activated, triggering the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This is part of the \"fight, flight, or freeze\" response, an instinctive reaction to perceived threats. These hormones can affect various bodily functions, including your digest...")

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[

#### I'm feeling really anxious and unsettled after a night of heavy drinking and cannabis use, during which I have memory gaps. I realized I was intimate with someone I don't fully trust. How can I safely process this experience and these feelings?

🇮🇪

Thank you so much for trusting us with this and I am so sorry this happened to you. What you're feeling right now makes complete sense, and it's important to honor that your nervous system is responding to something that feels confusing and distressing. Memory gaps are particularly disorienting because they leave you without a full picture of what happened, and that uncertainty on its own can be really difficult to sit with. You don't have to have all the answers about what occurred in order for your feelings to be valid.

](/en/answer/im-feeling-really-anxious-and-unsettled-after-a-night-of-heavy-drinking-and-cannabis-use-during-which-i-have-memory-gaps-i-realized-i-was-intimate-with-someone-i-dont-fully-trust-how-can-i-safely-proc)

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[

#### Every year on the anniversary of my trauma, I feel a fresh pain deep down. I’m even triggered by holiday preparations, certain drinks, and other things that remind me of the season. How can I best support myself on an anniversary I don’t want to remember?

🇬🇷

Thank you so much for asking this really important question. Trauma anniversaries can be extremely painful. Triggers may come seemingly out of no where leading up to an anniversary of an event. This can be frightening, frustrating, or just plain inconvenient.

](/en/answer/every-year-on-the-anniversary-of-my-trauma-i-feel-a-fresh-pain-deep-down-im-even-triggered-by-holiday-preparations-certain-drinks-and-other-things-that-remind-me-of-the-season-how-can-i-best-support-myself-on-an-anniversary-i-dont-want-to-remember-38)

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[

#### I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the "survival" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the strength you've shown in moving forward from an abusive relationship. The fact that you're now in a loving, supportive partnership is truly hopeful and a testament to your resilience.

](/en/answer/i-have-been-in-a-relationship-with-my-current-significant-other-for-about-5-months-they-love-me-and-treat-me-well-they-know-my-past-and-make-me-feel-safe-however-it-has-been-hard-for-me-to-mentally-move-past-my-previous-relationship-which-had-a-lot-of-emotional-abuse-and-sexual-abuse-how-do-i-get-my-brain-out-of-the-survival-mode-in-relationships-so-i-can-truly-love-my-partner-the-way-they-and-i-deserve-223 "I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the \"survival\" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?")

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[

#### How can I cope with the fact there are parts of my trauma and abuse I will never understand, know, or remember?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for asking this question. Many survivors navigate complex emotions, uncertainties, and gaps in their memories as they embark on their paths towards healing. This can be challenging to cope with, particularly when the effects of this trauma start to impact your daily life.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-cope-with-the-fact-there-are-parts-of-my-trauma-and-abuse-i-will-never-understand-know-or-remember-86)

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[

#### How do I make the feeling of being touched all over go away?

🇺🇸

I am so sorry you are still feeling lingering sensations related to the harm you experienced. It is understandable that you want the uncomfortable sensations and memories of being touched to go away. Unwanted sexual experiences can leave a person feeling very distressed, and it's common for survivors to feel like they can still feel sensations even after the abuse has ended. Know that these feelings can fade with time, but we will discuss a couple strategies and coping techniques that may help.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-make-the-feeling-of-being-touched-all-over-go-away-127)

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[

#### Does anyone else feel like you made everything up? Like it’s all fake and it never happened?

🇺🇸

Many times after a traumatic event, our brains can feel disorganized and chaotic. "Am I remembering it wrong?" "Maybe it didn't happen like that." "Did I make that part up?" These questions are not uncommon to have. Sometimes, your brain can evoke a defense mechanism which represses your memory of the trauma, or perhaps due to the stress of the moment, you may only remember very specific details of your experience. Trauma memories are often not as coherent as regular ones. You may remember something specific like a smell, a sensation, or feeli...

](/en/answer/does-anyone-feel-like-you-made-everything-up-like-its-all-fake-and-never-happened-11 "Many times after a traumatic event, our brains can feel disorganized and chaotic. \"Am I remembering it wrong?\" \"Maybe it didn't happen like that.\" \"Did I make that part up?\" These questions are not uncommon to have.
Sometimes, your brain can evoke a defense mechanism which represses your memory of the trauma, or perhaps due to the stress of the moment, you may only remember very specific details of your experience. Trauma memories are often not as coherent as regular ones. You may remember something specific like a smell, a sensation, or feeli...")

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[

#### Is it normal that I froze when a man masturbated next to me on the bus while looking at me? I couldn't move until I got home.

🇨🇱

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was absolutely a normal reaction. Feeling like all you could do was stay completely still is a very common response to a frightening or upsetting situation, even if you think you "should" have done something else.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-that-i-froze-when-a-man-masturbated-next-to-me-on-the-bus-while-looking-at-me-i-couldnt-move-until-i-got-home-783 "I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was absolutely a normal reaction. Feeling like all you could do was stay completely still is a very common response to a frightening or upsetting situation, even if you think you \"should\" have done something else.")

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[

#### Is it okay for me to not want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted me when we were both children? I've seen people not taking child-on-child sexual abuse seriously and making excuses because the perpetrator was also a child. Those messages make me feel bad about not wanting to forgive this person and still feeling anger toward them. I feel pressured to "get over it" just because they might have been a victim too, but they seemed to know what they were doing was wrong and appeared to enjoy it.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. It's absolutely okay for you not to want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted you. Your emotions are valid, and you have every right to feel hurt, angry, or even hateful toward someone who caused you harm. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious and often overlooked issue, but that doesn't diminish its impact on survivors like you.

](/en/answer/is-it-okay-for-me-to-not-want-to-forgive-the-person-who-sexually-assaulted-me-when-we-were-both-children-ive-seen-people-not-taking-child-on-child-sexual-abuse-seriously-and-making-excuses-because-the "Is it okay for me to not want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted me when we were both children? I've seen people not taking child-on-child sexual abuse seriously and making excuses because the perpetrator was also a child. Those messages make me feel bad about not wanting to forgive this person and still feeling anger toward them. I feel pressured to \"get over it\" just because they might have been a victim too, but they seemed to know what they were doing was wrong and appeared to enjoy it.")

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[

#### I feel sick all the time after experiencing trauma. I'm scared of everyone and can't feel safe, even with my friends. Nowhere feels safe, nothing feels secure, and I'm exhausted. I don't know how to navigate this pain that won't go away. I don't know who to ask for help or what I would even say. I just wish it all would leave me alone, but it never does. Could you tell me that it's going to be okay and that I'm safe?

🇺🇸

I hear how much pain and exhaustion you are feeling right now. While I can't personally guarantee your safety, I do want to assure you that healing is possible. Hang on to hope. The constant fear and sickness you're describing are common responses to trauma - you're not alone in feeling this way, and you're not wrong for having these reactions.

](/en/answer/i-feel-sick-all-the-time-after-experiencing-trauma-im-scared-of-everyone-and-cant-feel-safe-even-with-my-friends-nowhere-feels-safe-nothing-feels-secure-and-im-exhausted-i-dont-know-how-to-navigate-this-pain-that-wont-go-away-i-dont-know-who-to-ask-for-help-or-what-i-would-even-say-i-just-wish-it-all-would-leave-me-alone-but-it-never-does-could-you-tell-me-that-its-going-to-be-okay-and-that-im-safe-309)

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[

#### How can I learn to manage the anger, frustration, and aggression I feel?

🇿🇦

Thank you so much for this question. After we experience trauma and violence, we may experience a multitude of feelings, many of which can involve anger or frustration. We may feel angry that this happened to us. That life is not fair and that the world is not safe. We also may feel angry at our perpetrator or at people or systems in our lives that did not support us the way we deserve. Know that experiencing anger is healthy, normal, and okay. You are allowed to be angry. What you do with that anger, however, is something that you can learn t...

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[

#### I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

🇦🇺

Thank you so much for this question. It can be so difficult to navigate situations when we are in social circles with people who have caused us harm in the past. The feelings you are feeling, while challenging, are not uncommon for people who have experienced sexual coersion the way you have. Survivors of sexual coercion and assault often feel conflicted and confused about their feelings towards the person who harmed them, especially if they knew them beforehand.

](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-coerced-by-a-friend-of-mine-lately-i-have-had-to-see-him-in-person-as-we-are-in-a-similar-friendship-group-and-someone-we-knew-passed-away-i-feel-so-guilty-for-avoiding-him)

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[

#### I've never experienced romantic or sexual attraction, but I sometimes become physically aroused (not mentally) when people show concern for me. This happens regardless of gender, though I'm unsure about frequency due to limited vulnerability with others. I feel ashamed about this response, especially when it occurs during discussions about my sexual trauma. Is this a common reaction? Could it be related to past trauma? What might cause this kind of physical response? Should I avoid situations where people comfort me because of this reaction? How can I address these feelings of shame and confusion?

🇰🇼

Thank you for sharing this personal experience with us. We appreciate you trusting us with your story. Firstly, it's crucial to recognize that physical arousal responses can occur independently of emotional or mental desire. This disconnect between physical and mental states is more common than many people realize, especially in those who have experienced trauma.

](/en/answer/ive-never-experienced-romantic-or-sexual-attraction-but-i-sometimes-become-physically-aroused-not-mentally-when-people-show-concern-for-me-this-happens-regardless-of-gender-though-im-unsure-about-frequency-due-to-limited-vulnerability-with-others-i-feel-ashamed-about-this-response-especially-when-it-occurs-during-discussions-about-my-sexual-trauma-is-this-a-common-reaction-could-it-be-related-to-past-trauma-what-might-cause-this-kind-of-physical-response-should-i-avoid-situations-where-people-comfort-me-because-of-this-reaction-how-can-i-address-these-feelings-of-shame-and-confusion-230)

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#### Can you broaden the definition of tonic immobility? I'm struggling with self-blame about my rape because I wasn't immobile the entire time. There were moments where I was frozen and wondering why I wasn't moving. There were also moments where I spoke up against what was happening, but when he disregarded me, I froze again. I tried so hard to advocate for myself but was in shock. During the moments I was frozen, I tried to breathe and hoped I could somehow "enjoy it." Does tonic immobility have a range of duration, or is an intermittent experience like mine actually common?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this. What you're describing is not only valid, it's actually a very accurate and nuanced experience of tonic immobility. Tonic immobility is often described as a complete inability to move, but that's an oversimplification that leaves a lot of survivors feeling like their experience doesn't "qualify." In reality, tonic immobility exists on a spectrum and can be intermittent. Research confirms that experiencing tonic immobility for only part of an assault is far more common than most people realize, meaning variability in...

](/en/answer/can-you-broaden-the-definition-of-tonic-immobility-im-struggling-with-self-blame-about-my-rape-because-i-wasnt-immobile-the-entire-time-there-were-moments-where-i-was-frozen-and-wondering-why-i-wasnt "Can you broaden the definition of tonic immobility? I'm struggling with self-blame about my rape because I wasn't immobile the entire time. There were moments where I was frozen and wondering why I wasn't moving. There were also moments where I spoke up against what was happening, but when he disregarded me, I froze again. I tried so hard to advocate for myself but was in shock. During the moments I was frozen, I tried to breathe and hoped I could somehow \"enjoy it.\" Does tonic immobility have a range of duration, or is an intermittent experience like mine actually common?")

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#### I was sexually assaulted by another man who was twice my size while I was intoxicated. When I think back to that moment, I question why I didn't fight harder. After the encounter, I sobered up quickly and felt very angry and disturbed. Why do I feel like it was my fault or like I wanted it when I clearly didn't?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. What happened to you was not your fault, but it's completely understandable that you're feeling angry, disturbed, and questioning yourself. When faced with a threatening situation, our bodies can respond in ways we might not expect. Freezing or feeling unable to fight back is a common reaction to trauma. It's a natural, involuntary response where the body goes into a state of shock or paralysis as a way to protect itself.

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#### How can I be in a functional relationship after experiencing trauma? Why do I feel so ashamed? Will I always feel this way?

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The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a "functional" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-be-in-a-functional-relationship-after-experiencing-trauma-why-do-i-feel-so-ashamed-will-i-always-feel-this-way-36 "The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a \"functional\" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.")

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#### I experience intense physical and emotional reactions that feel like trauma responses (panic, dissociation, physical sensations, fear of touch), but I don't have clear memories of sexual assault. My body seems to hold these triggers, especially around physical touch near my breasts, waist and hips. I struggle with hypervigilance around strangers and have gaps in childhood memories. Is it possible to have trauma responses without remembered trauma? How can I work through this uncertainty and begin healing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your experiences with such courage and honesty. What you're describing sounds incredibly challenging and overwhelming. I want you to know that your feelings and reactions are valid, regardless of whether you have clear memories of a specific event.

](/en/answer/i-experience-intense-physical-and-emotional-reactions-that-feel-like-trauma-responses-panic-dissociation-physical-sensations-fear-of-touch-but-i-dont-have-clear-memories-of-sexual-assault-my-body-seem)

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#### I don’t talk about my assault to my therapist because I’m scared to relive it, how do I move on?

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Talking about your trauma can be challenging, especially when recalling it triggers painful memories. Despite this, many people say disclosing their trauma to a trained professional can be helpful. It can be difficult to balance keeping yourself safe while allowing space for healing, however, so here are some tips.

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#### When I was 8, my 9-year-old cousin convinced me that certain sexually inappropriate behaviors were normal between girls. I don't have many memories of the incidents, but I remember some parts clearly. Months later, she tried to get me to engage in these behaviors with our younger cousin, who was 4 or 5 at the time. Thankfully, our parents found out before anything more serious happened. Most of the family made jokes about the situation, but one aunt kindly explained to me why it was wrong and that children should never touch each other in those ways. The older cousin seems to be doing alright now, but I'm not entirely sure. The younger cousin appears normal on the outside, but she has been pressured to date and refuses. I don't know if this is related to what happened. I hope all three of us can heal from this experience, but I feel incredibly guilty. I keep worrying about what might have happened if our parents hadn't intervened or if something worse occurred that I can't remember. Am I both a victim and a perpetrator in this situation?

🇧🇷

Thank you for sharing your story and reaching out for help. What you experienced was a complex and challenging situation, and it's understandable that you have mixed feelings and concerns. First, it's important to recognize that as an 8-year-old child, you were not responsible for what happened. Your older cousin, who was also a child at the time, engaged in inappropriate behavior and convinced you to participate. While you may feel guilty about what transpired with your younger cousin, it's crucial to remember that you were also a victim in t...

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#### Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

🇺🇸

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

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#### How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

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Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse. If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

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#### I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

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[

#### What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

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Self-blame is a complicated feeling that often accompanies past abuse or trauma. Self-blame can be felt for a variety of reasons. For example, sometimes survivors feel that their behavior encouraged or caused harm to occur to them. Other times survivors may blame themselves for the trauma symptoms they carry afterwards or “not healing fast enough.”

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#### I’m incredibly anxious about being harmed again. I'm scared to leave my house. What can I do about this?

🇰🇼

Thank you for reaching out to us. I understand how frightening and overwhelming your situation feels right now. It's completely natural to experience anxiety and fear after being harmed, and your desire to stay home where you feel safe is a normal response to trauma. However, it's important to remember that you have the strength within you to overcome these feelings and reclaim a sense of freedom in your life.

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#### I have a hard time with touch due to sexual trauma in my childhood, but I Have two kids who are always touching me. Is there a way to cope with all of that touching?

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Having a hard time with physical touch after sexual trauma is normal. Even if the present touching is not sexual in nature, it can trigger past traumas when you were touched without your permission. To manage this, try to notice what physically happens to your body when someone touches you. Feelings can include shortness of breath, feelings tense, racing heartbeat, dizziness, or blurry vision. Once you notice how your body reacts to physical touch, you can better figure out how to self-soothe and manage these reactions.

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#### Is it normal for me to miss the person who assaulted me? I even feel jealous when I learn other people get their attention positively or even negatively.

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. When a person is assaulted, they may experience a variety of emotions in the aftermath, some of which may include feelings of attachment or longing towards the person who caused them harm. These feelings can be confusing and distressing, but it's important to remember that they do not diminish the seriousness of the assault you experienced.

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#### I'm experiencing severe flashbacks that make it difficult to even shower without feeling like others are touching me. I feel afraid around men and my sister, and I'm constantly worried about being objectified. The stress has led me to relapse into self-harm after being clean for about a year. Do you have any advice to help me feel better? I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with your inner most thoughts and feelings. What you are going through right now matters deeply, and the pain you're experiencing is real. The flashbacks during showers, the fear around others, and feeling objectified are all common responses to trauma - your body and mind trying to protect you, even when it hurts.

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Community note

This question contains references to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis helpline.

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#### I was abused as a child by a family member. Since starting trauma therapy, I'm flooded with memories - not of the abuse, but of the house where it happened. Smells, sounds, tastes, images of rooms, my drawings, TV shows I watched. They come randomly throughout the day. I keep wanting to say "NO" to make them stop. Is this normal? What's my brain trying to tell me?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for asking this. I'm sure the flood of these memories can be disorienting, frightening, and isolating for you. What you're experiencing is indeed normal and common for survivors beginning trauma therapy. The flood of memories you're encountering is a typical response as your brain starts to unpack experiences it had previously tucked away for your protection. The sensory nature of these memories - smells, sounds, tastes, images - is very common, especially for childhood experiences, as our senses are deeply connected to memor...

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[

#### Why is it so difficult for me to manage my emotions?

🇺🇸

When you experience something traumatic, your body temporarily goes into “fight or flight mode,” meaning that it is adapting to stressful stimuli and going into survival mode to protect itself. Unfortunately, sometimes even when the threat has passed, particularly when it was chronic or repeated, your body can become stuck in that state of high alert.

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#### What are ways to deal with guilt over inability to trust loved ones?

🇰🇼

Thank you for opening up about these feelings of guilt. It's important for you to know that struggling to trust loved ones after experiencing trauma is a completely normal and understandable response. Your mind is trying to protect you, and while it may feel frustrating or isolating at times, it's not a reflection of your worth or your care for those around you.

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#### Every year on the anniversary of my trauma, I feel a fresh pain deep down. I’m even triggered by holiday preparations, certain drinks, and other things that remind me of the season. How can I best support myself on an anniversary I don’t want to remember?

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Thank you so much for asking this really important question. Trauma anniversaries can be extremely painful. Triggers may come seemingly out of no where leading up to an anniversary of an event. This can be frightening, frustrating, or just plain inconvenient.

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#### How do I make the feeling of being touched all over go away?

🇺🇸

I am so sorry you are still feeling lingering sensations related to the harm you experienced. It is understandable that you want the uncomfortable sensations and memories of being touched to go away. Unwanted sexual experiences can leave a person feeling very distressed, and it's common for survivors to feel like they can still feel sensations even after the abuse has ended. Know that these feelings can fade with time, but we will discuss a couple strategies and coping techniques that may help.

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#### Is it okay for me to not want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted me when we were both children? I've seen people not taking child-on-child sexual abuse seriously and making excuses because the perpetrator was also a child. Those messages make me feel bad about not wanting to forgive this person and still feeling anger toward them. I feel pressured to "get over it" just because they might have been a victim too, but they seemed to know what they were doing was wrong and appeared to enjoy it.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. It's absolutely okay for you not to want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted you. Your emotions are valid, and you have every right to feel hurt, angry, or even hateful toward someone who caused you harm. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious and often overlooked issue, but that doesn't diminish its impact on survivors like you.

](/en/answer/is-it-okay-for-me-to-not-want-to-forgive-the-person-who-sexually-assaulted-me-when-we-were-both-children-ive-seen-people-not-taking-child-on-child-sexual-abuse-seriously-and-making-excuses-because-the "Is it okay for me to not want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted me when we were both children? I've seen people not taking child-on-child sexual abuse seriously and making excuses because the perpetrator was also a child. Those messages make me feel bad about not wanting to forgive this person and still feeling anger toward them. I feel pressured to \"get over it\" just because they might have been a victim too, but they seemed to know what they were doing was wrong and appeared to enjoy it.")

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#### I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

🇦🇺

Thank you so much for this question. It can be so difficult to navigate situations when we are in social circles with people who have caused us harm in the past. The feelings you are feeling, while challenging, are not uncommon for people who have experienced sexual coersion the way you have. Survivors of sexual coercion and assault often feel conflicted and confused about their feelings towards the person who harmed them, especially if they knew them beforehand.

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#### I was sexually assaulted by another man who was twice my size while I was intoxicated. When I think back to that moment, I question why I didn't fight harder. After the encounter, I sobered up quickly and felt very angry and disturbed. Why do I feel like it was my fault or like I wanted it when I clearly didn't?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. What happened to you was not your fault, but it's completely understandable that you're feeling angry, disturbed, and questioning yourself. When faced with a threatening situation, our bodies can respond in ways we might not expect. Freezing or feeling unable to fight back is a common reaction to trauma. It's a natural, involuntary response where the body goes into a state of shock or paralysis as a way to protect itself.

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#### I don’t talk about my assault to my therapist because I’m scared to relive it, how do I move on?

🇺🇸

Talking about your trauma can be challenging, especially when recalling it triggers painful memories. Despite this, many people say disclosing their trauma to a trained professional can be helpful. It can be difficult to balance keeping yourself safe while allowing space for healing, however, so here are some tips.

](/en/answer/i-dont-talk-about-my-assault-to-my-therapist-im-scared-to-relive-it-how-do-i-move-on-15)

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#### Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-to-have-experienced-pleasure-during-an-assault-i-think-i-may-have-had-an-orgasm-but-im-not-sure-i-feel-so-betrayed-by-my-body-im-just-too-embarrassed-and-ashamed-to-ask-my-therapist-87)

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[

#### I experienced sexual violence. How do I get over the guilt of reporting it?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. I want to start by acknowledging your strength and courage in reaching out for support. Dealing with the aftermath of sexual violence is incredibly difficult, and the feelings of guilt you're experiencing are a common and valid response to trauma and the decisions survivors often need to make in the aftermath. Please know that the guilt is not yours to carry - the responsibility lies solely with the person who harmed you.

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#### Why does being assaulted or abused make some victims feel "dirty" or disgusted with themselves a lot of the time?

🇰🇼

Thank you for this question. This is a difficult and painful topic to discuss, but it is an extremely common sentiment that people have after experiencing assault or abuse. If you experienced assault or abuse and are feeling this way, you are not alone. Many survivors struggle with these feelings of being "dirty" or disgusted with themselves, and there are several reasons why this happens.

](/en/answer/why-does-being-assaulted-or-abused-make-some-victims-feel-dirty-or-disgusted-with-themselves-a-lot-of-the-time-243 "Thank you for this question. This is a difficult and painful topic to discuss, but it is an extremely common sentiment that people have after experiencing assault or abuse. If you experienced assault or abuse and are feeling this way, you are not alone. Many survivors struggle with these feelings of being \"dirty\" or disgusted with themselves, and there are several reasons why this happens.")

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#### Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop?

🇺🇸

First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, ​but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255.

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#### Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

🇺🇸

There is nothing wrong with you for still feeling this way. The disgust you're feeling is not about who you are...it's about what was done to you. But trauma has a cruel way of turning that outward violation inward, making you feel like the wrongness lives inside your body rather than in the actions of the person who harmed you.

](/en/answer/why-do-i-feel-so-disgusted-by-myself-its-been-months-since-he-touched-me-and-days-since-i-was-stalked-and-i-still-feel-so-uncomfortable-in-my-own-skin-why-cant-i-move-past-this-858)

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#### How do you work through the triggers from trauma in your daily life?

🇺🇸

Triggers are emotional reactions produced by the part of our brain called the amygdala. The amygdala activates the fight or flight response our bodies have when we feel that our lives are in danger. Our neural systems cannot tell the difference between emotional threats and physical ones, so our bodies respond similarly in both situations. When triggered, our bodies attempt to protect us by releasing stress-related hormones and peptides. A trigger is a response that seems disproportionate to the event that transpired.

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#### I was assaulted 6 years ago, but the memories are just beginning to flow back. I think about it every other day and it’s been causing me a lot of stress and depression. Could this be a sign that it was traumatic?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. What you're describing is not uncommon for survivors of assault, and your feelings are entirely valid. First, let's define trauma. Individual trauma results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being. It's important to note that trauma is subject...

](/en/answer/i-was-assaulted-6-years-ago-but-the-memories-are-just-beginning-to-flow-back-i-think-about-it-every-other-day-and-its-been-causing-me-a-lot-of-stress-and-depression-could-this-be-a-sign-that-it-was-traumatic-202)

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[

#### How do I recover from my rapist getting his charges expunged?

🇺🇸

Recovering from the expungement of charges against your rapist can be a difficult and painful process. First, we want to acknowledge and validate whatever feelings you may be having at this time. It is normal to feel a wide range of emotions when you are processing something as difficult as you are experiencing, including anger, betrayal, and despair. What happened to you was not fair.

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#### Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

🇮🇪

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. It is not uncommon for survivors of sexual violence to experience lingering feelings of guilt and shame even years after abuse, especially when the assault was perpetrated by someone they trusted such as a partner. Particularly if there are complicating factors such as deceit and memory gaps, making sense of and managing this shame can be especially difficult.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-to-feel-so-much-guilt-and-shame-even-years-after-the-rape-i-experienced-at-the-hands-of-my-then-boyfriend-he-has-lied-and-deceived-me-and-that-has-added-to-my-trauma-i-also-have-incomplete-memories-of-the-event-that-i-cannot-remember-clearly-95)

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#### I often feel like a burden to others and wish I could disappear. My trauma happened long ago and continued for an extended period, so it feels normal to me now. However, I still encounter the person who hurt me regularly, and each time feels like reopening a wound. Shouldn't I be over this by now? How do I begin healing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us with such deeply personal feelings. I want to start by saying that it takes immense strength to name the pain you're carrying, and I'm honored that you've trusted us with your story. What you're experiencing--all of it--makes complete sense, and you are not alone in feeling this way.

](/en/answer/i-often-feel-like-a-burden-to-others-and-wish-i-could-disappear-my-trauma-happened-long-ago-and-continued-for-an-extended-period-so-it-feels-normal-to-me-now-however-i-still-encounter-the-person-who-h)

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[

#### Is there a way to relieve nausea I am feeling after being assaulted?

🇰🇼

I am so sorry you are feeing nausea that won't subside after your assault. While this is a common and understandable physicological response to trauma, hat sounds extremely uncomfortable. When you go through a traumatic event like an assault, your body's stress response system is activated, triggering the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This is part of the "fight, flight, or freeze" response, an instinctive reaction to perceived threats. These hormones can affect various bodily functions, including your digest...

](/en/answer/is-there-a-way-to-relieve-nausea-i-am-feeling-after-being-assaulted-278 "I am so sorry you are feeing nausea that won't subside after your assault. While this is a common and understandable physicological response to trauma, hat sounds extremely uncomfortable. 
When you go through a traumatic event like an assault, your body's stress response system is activated, triggering the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This is part of the \"fight, flight, or freeze\" response, an instinctive reaction to perceived threats. These hormones can affect various bodily functions, including your digest...")

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#### I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the "survival" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the strength you've shown in moving forward from an abusive relationship. The fact that you're now in a loving, supportive partnership is truly hopeful and a testament to your resilience.

](/en/answer/i-have-been-in-a-relationship-with-my-current-significant-other-for-about-5-months-they-love-me-and-treat-me-well-they-know-my-past-and-make-me-feel-safe-however-it-has-been-hard-for-me-to-mentally-move-past-my-previous-relationship-which-had-a-lot-of-emotional-abuse-and-sexual-abuse-how-do-i-get-my-brain-out-of-the-survival-mode-in-relationships-so-i-can-truly-love-my-partner-the-way-they-and-i-deserve-223 "I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the \"survival\" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?")

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#### Does anyone else feel like you made everything up? Like it’s all fake and it never happened?

🇺🇸

Many times after a traumatic event, our brains can feel disorganized and chaotic. "Am I remembering it wrong?" "Maybe it didn't happen like that." "Did I make that part up?" These questions are not uncommon to have. Sometimes, your brain can evoke a defense mechanism which represses your memory of the trauma, or perhaps due to the stress of the moment, you may only remember very specific details of your experience. Trauma memories are often not as coherent as regular ones. You may remember something specific like a smell, a sensation, or feeli...

](/en/answer/does-anyone-feel-like-you-made-everything-up-like-its-all-fake-and-never-happened-11 "Many times after a traumatic event, our brains can feel disorganized and chaotic. \"Am I remembering it wrong?\" \"Maybe it didn't happen like that.\" \"Did I make that part up?\" These questions are not uncommon to have.
Sometimes, your brain can evoke a defense mechanism which represses your memory of the trauma, or perhaps due to the stress of the moment, you may only remember very specific details of your experience. Trauma memories are often not as coherent as regular ones. You may remember something specific like a smell, a sensation, or feeli...")

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#### I feel sick all the time after experiencing trauma. I'm scared of everyone and can't feel safe, even with my friends. Nowhere feels safe, nothing feels secure, and I'm exhausted. I don't know how to navigate this pain that won't go away. I don't know who to ask for help or what I would even say. I just wish it all would leave me alone, but it never does. Could you tell me that it's going to be okay and that I'm safe?

🇺🇸

I hear how much pain and exhaustion you are feeling right now. While I can't personally guarantee your safety, I do want to assure you that healing is possible. Hang on to hope. The constant fear and sickness you're describing are common responses to trauma - you're not alone in feeling this way, and you're not wrong for having these reactions.

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#### I've never experienced romantic or sexual attraction, but I sometimes become physically aroused (not mentally) when people show concern for me. This happens regardless of gender, though I'm unsure about frequency due to limited vulnerability with others. I feel ashamed about this response, especially when it occurs during discussions about my sexual trauma. Is this a common reaction? Could it be related to past trauma? What might cause this kind of physical response? Should I avoid situations where people comfort me because of this reaction? How can I address these feelings of shame and confusion?

🇰🇼

Thank you for sharing this personal experience with us. We appreciate you trusting us with your story. Firstly, it's crucial to recognize that physical arousal responses can occur independently of emotional or mental desire. This disconnect between physical and mental states is more common than many people realize, especially in those who have experienced trauma.

](/en/answer/ive-never-experienced-romantic-or-sexual-attraction-but-i-sometimes-become-physically-aroused-not-mentally-when-people-show-concern-for-me-this-happens-regardless-of-gender-though-im-unsure-about-frequency-due-to-limited-vulnerability-with-others-i-feel-ashamed-about-this-response-especially-when-it-occurs-during-discussions-about-my-sexual-trauma-is-this-a-common-reaction-could-it-be-related-to-past-trauma-what-might-cause-this-kind-of-physical-response-should-i-avoid-situations-where-people-comfort-me-because-of-this-reaction-how-can-i-address-these-feelings-of-shame-and-confusion-230)

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#### How can I be in a functional relationship after experiencing trauma? Why do I feel so ashamed? Will I always feel this way?

🇺🇸

The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a "functional" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-be-in-a-functional-relationship-after-experiencing-trauma-why-do-i-feel-so-ashamed-will-i-always-feel-this-way-36 "The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a \"functional\" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.")

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#### When I was 8, my 9-year-old cousin convinced me that certain sexually inappropriate behaviors were normal between girls. I don't have many memories of the incidents, but I remember some parts clearly. Months later, she tried to get me to engage in these behaviors with our younger cousin, who was 4 or 5 at the time. Thankfully, our parents found out before anything more serious happened. Most of the family made jokes about the situation, but one aunt kindly explained to me why it was wrong and that children should never touch each other in those ways. The older cousin seems to be doing alright now, but I'm not entirely sure. The younger cousin appears normal on the outside, but she has been pressured to date and refuses. I don't know if this is related to what happened. I hope all three of us can heal from this experience, but I feel incredibly guilty. I keep worrying about what might have happened if our parents hadn't intervened or if something worse occurred that I can't remember. Am I both a victim and a perpetrator in this situation?

🇧🇷

Thank you for sharing your story and reaching out for help. What you experienced was a complex and challenging situation, and it's understandable that you have mixed feelings and concerns. First, it's important to recognize that as an 8-year-old child, you were not responsible for what happened. Your older cousin, who was also a child at the time, engaged in inappropriate behavior and convinced you to participate. While you may feel guilty about what transpired with your younger cousin, it's crucial to remember that you were also a victim in t...

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#### How do I understand why something triggers me?

🇺🇸

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response. After a ​traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

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#### I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

🇺🇸

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...

](/en/answer/i-got-assaulted-but-i-dont-really-feel-anything-is-something-wrong-with-me-2 "The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with \"not caring\" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...")

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[

#### How do I make this discomfort and confusion to go away?

🇧🇭

Thank you for asking this question and we are sorry you are dealing with so much discomfort and confusion. Those are some really challenging feelings to work through, but you are not alone. We want to start by saying that it is perfectly normal to feel discomfort and confusion after experiencing sexual violence. These feelings do not need to last forever, however, and will decrease over time.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-make-this-discomfort-and-confusion-to-go-away-39)

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[NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community](https://stories.nomore.org)

[

#### What should I do about my anger towards the perpetrator?

🇯🇵

First, let me tell you that feeling anger towards someone who has hurt you is a very natural and valid reaction. There is no need to blame yourself or feel ashamed of your feelings, thinking, "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "I should forgive the other person." The fact that you feel anger speaks to the fact that you have been hurt. Sometimes, anger can come over you in waves so strong that it's hard to process. Anger is a natural response to injustice and unfairness, especially when your important boundaries and dignity are violated. If y...

](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-about-my-anger-towards-the-perpetrator-824 "First, let me tell you that feeling anger towards someone who has hurt you is a very natural and valid reaction. There is no need to blame yourself or feel ashamed of your feelings, thinking, \"I shouldn't be feeling this way\" or \"I should forgive the other person.\" The fact that you feel anger speaks to the fact that you have been hurt. Sometimes, anger can come over you in waves so strong that it's hard to process. Anger is a natural response to injustice and unfairness, especially when your important boundaries and dignity are violated. If y...")

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[

#### How can I deal with the mental and cognitive impacts of my trauma?

🇺🇸

Most people experience some form of emotional or cognitive symptoms after trauma. But, just because it’s common doesn’t mean that it’s always easy to cope with. Some common emotional effects of trauma are fear, numbness or detachment, heightened emotional reactivity, depression, guilt, and irritability. Some common cognitive effects include difficulties concentrating or remembering things, nightmares, disorientation, or intrusive thoughts.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-deal-with-the-mental-and-cognitive-impacts-of-my-trauma-49)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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#### There is so much going on in the world. My trauma feels insignificant compared to what others are going through. How do I manage that?

🇺🇸

There is something about our current state that can make any personal trauma feel unworthy. How can I feel this pain when I have a roof over my head? When I have a job? When I am healthy? While this reframing and acknowledgement of the intensity of others’ suffering is an important empathetic response, it also can harm our own processing of the events that impact us.

](/en/answer/my-trauma-feels-insignificant-compared-to-what-others-are-going-through-how-do-i-manage-that-20)

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[

#### I've been in therapy for two years processing sexual trauma. Recently, I've started experiencing physical arousal when thinking about or processing the assault. This is particularly distressing since I'm gay and the assault was by someone of the opposite sex. Are these physical responses normal during trauma processing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this. Physical arousal during trauma processing is a common and normal physiological response that many survivors experience, though it can feel deeply confusing and distressing. Our bodies can react to traumatic memories in complex ways, even when the experiences are painful or go against our sexual orientation. These responses occur because our nervous system remembers and can react to any type of touch or sexual content, whether wanted or unwanted.

](/en/answer/ive-been-in-therapy-for-two-years-processing-sexual-trauma-recently-ive-started-experiencing-physical-arousal-when-thinking-about-or-processing-the-assault-this-is-particularly-distressing-since-im-gay-and-the-assault-was-by-someone-of-the-opposite-sex-are-these-physical-responses-normal-during-trauma-processing-338)

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[

#### As a Catholic, I struggle with feelings of impurity after my assault. I did things afterward that I thought I had to do to keep people around because they wanted me to. I've been to church and confession and was told it wasn't my fault and that I'm forgiven, but I still struggle with these feelings about purity. What can I do?

🇺🇸

I hear the pain in your words, and I want you to know that your struggle with these feelings is so deeply understandable. The weight you are carrying around purity and worth is something many survivors experience, especially when faith is such an important part of who you are. Your heart is trying to make sense of something that was never meant to happen to you, and that process can feel overwhelming and confusing.

](/en/answer/as-a-catholic-i-struggle-with-feelings-of-impurity-after-my-assault-i-did-things-afterward-that-i-thought-i-had-to-do-to-keep-people-around-because-they-wanted-me-to-ive-been-to-church-and-confession)

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[

#### Is it normal for me to begin to forget my assault? I feel as though I am making progress and now I am forgetting what it was like to be assaulted and the memories are fading. Does this mean I overplayed the event or is this normal?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. It's common for people who experience sexual assault to experience changes in their traumatic memories over time. While some of that may be related to the passing of time generally, memories of traumatic events specifically can be especially fragmented, disjointed, or difficult to recall in the future. For some survivors, memories may become more vivid over time. For others, their memories might become more fuzzy or distant. Both are equally valid responses to traumatic events.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-for-me-to-begin-to-forget-my-assault-i-feel-as-though-i-am-making-progress-and-now-i-am-forgetting-what-it-was-like-to-be-assaulted-and-the-memories-are-fading-does-this-mean-i-overplayed-the-event-or-is-this-normal-70)

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[

#### I didn’t know I lived with trauma until I started therapy...now I can’t help but minimize it?

🇺🇸

We received many questions about trauma processing and identity. Let’s talk about this in two parts with the help of a PhD prepared mental health nurse and sexual assault nurse examiner from @ourwavestories. We will start with talking about coming to terms with trauma as it relates to our identity, and then we will talk about integrating it into our identity.

](/en/answer/i-didnt-know-i-lived-with-trauma-until-started-therapy-now-cant-help-but-minimize-7)

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[We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie)

[

#### I'm feeling really anxious and unsettled after a night of heavy drinking and cannabis use, during which I have memory gaps. I realized I was intimate with someone I don't fully trust. How can I safely process this experience and these feelings?

🇮🇪

Thank you so much for trusting us with this and I am so sorry this happened to you. What you're feeling right now makes complete sense, and it's important to honor that your nervous system is responding to something that feels confusing and distressing. Memory gaps are particularly disorienting because they leave you without a full picture of what happened, and that uncertainty on its own can be really difficult to sit with. You don't have to have all the answers about what occurred in order for your feelings to be valid.

](/en/answer/im-feeling-really-anxious-and-unsettled-after-a-night-of-heavy-drinking-and-cannabis-use-during-which-i-have-memory-gaps-i-realized-i-was-intimate-with-someone-i-dont-fully-trust-how-can-i-safely-proc)

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[

#### How can I cope with the fact there are parts of my trauma and abuse I will never understand, know, or remember?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for asking this question. Many survivors navigate complex emotions, uncertainties, and gaps in their memories as they embark on their paths towards healing. This can be challenging to cope with, particularly when the effects of this trauma start to impact your daily life.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-cope-with-the-fact-there-are-parts-of-my-trauma-and-abuse-i-will-never-understand-know-or-remember-86)

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[

#### Is it normal that I froze when a man masturbated next to me on the bus while looking at me? I couldn't move until I got home.

🇨🇱

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was absolutely a normal reaction. Feeling like all you could do was stay completely still is a very common response to a frightening or upsetting situation, even if you think you "should" have done something else.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-that-i-froze-when-a-man-masturbated-next-to-me-on-the-bus-while-looking-at-me-i-couldnt-move-until-i-got-home-783 "I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was absolutely a normal reaction. Feeling like all you could do was stay completely still is a very common response to a frightening or upsetting situation, even if you think you \"should\" have done something else.")

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[

#### How can I learn to manage the anger, frustration, and aggression I feel?

🇿🇦

Thank you so much for this question. After we experience trauma and violence, we may experience a multitude of feelings, many of which can involve anger or frustration. We may feel angry that this happened to us. That life is not fair and that the world is not safe. We also may feel angry at our perpetrator or at people or systems in our lives that did not support us the way we deserve. Know that experiencing anger is healthy, normal, and okay. You are allowed to be angry. What you do with that anger, however, is something that you can learn t...

](/en/answer/how-can-i-learn-to-manage-the-anger-frustration-and-aggression-i-feel-25)

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[

#### Can you broaden the definition of tonic immobility? I'm struggling with self-blame about my rape because I wasn't immobile the entire time. There were moments where I was frozen and wondering why I wasn't moving. There were also moments where I spoke up against what was happening, but when he disregarded me, I froze again. I tried so hard to advocate for myself but was in shock. During the moments I was frozen, I tried to breathe and hoped I could somehow "enjoy it." Does tonic immobility have a range of duration, or is an intermittent experience like mine actually common?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this. What you're describing is not only valid, it's actually a very accurate and nuanced experience of tonic immobility. Tonic immobility is often described as a complete inability to move, but that's an oversimplification that leaves a lot of survivors feeling like their experience doesn't "qualify." In reality, tonic immobility exists on a spectrum and can be intermittent. Research confirms that experiencing tonic immobility for only part of an assault is far more common than most people realize, meaning variability in...

](/en/answer/can-you-broaden-the-definition-of-tonic-immobility-im-struggling-with-self-blame-about-my-rape-because-i-wasnt-immobile-the-entire-time-there-were-moments-where-i-was-frozen-and-wondering-why-i-wasnt "Can you broaden the definition of tonic immobility? I'm struggling with self-blame about my rape because I wasn't immobile the entire time. There were moments where I was frozen and wondering why I wasn't moving. There were also moments where I spoke up against what was happening, but when he disregarded me, I froze again. I tried so hard to advocate for myself but was in shock. During the moments I was frozen, I tried to breathe and hoped I could somehow \"enjoy it.\" Does tonic immobility have a range of duration, or is an intermittent experience like mine actually common?")

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[

#### I experience intense physical and emotional reactions that feel like trauma responses (panic, dissociation, physical sensations, fear of touch), but I don't have clear memories of sexual assault. My body seems to hold these triggers, especially around physical touch near my breasts, waist and hips. I struggle with hypervigilance around strangers and have gaps in childhood memories. Is it possible to have trauma responses without remembered trauma? How can I work through this uncertainty and begin healing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your experiences with such courage and honesty. What you're describing sounds incredibly challenging and overwhelming. I want you to know that your feelings and reactions are valid, regardless of whether you have clear memories of a specific event.

](/en/answer/i-experience-intense-physical-and-emotional-reactions-that-feel-like-trauma-responses-panic-dissociation-physical-sensations-fear-of-touch-but-i-dont-have-clear-memories-of-sexual-assault-my-body-seem)

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Show more questions

## More topics

[

Making sense of childhood experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-childhood-experiences)[

Understanding specific types of trauma and harm

](/en/learn/topics/understanding-specific-types-of-trauma-and-harm)[

Making sense of adult experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences)[

Seeking help after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/seeking-help-after-trauma)[

Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/sex-sexuality-and-intimacy-after-trauma)[

Sharing your story with others

](/en/learn/topics/sharing-your-story-with-others)

[See all topics](/en/learn/topics)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready