---
title: Making sense of adult experiences: Expert Answers ~ Our Wave
description: Making sense of adult experiences: 102 survivor questions answered by trauma-informed experts in the Our Wave community.
url: https://api.ourwave.org/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences.md
---

{{customAnalyticsScripts}}

[\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/)

[

Community

](/en/)[

Questions & Answers

](/en/learn)[

Find Support

](/en/resources)

Share story

Post a message

0

Users

0

Views

0

Reactions

0

Stories read

##### Need to take a break?

Try a grounding activity

For immediate help, visit {{resource}}

Show resources for

\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica

[\[Image: United States\]United States](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=us)[\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=bo)[\[Image: Canada\]Canada](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=co)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences?country=ve)

English

[English](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences)[Español](/es/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences)[日本語](/ja/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences)

[

About Us

](https://www.ourwave.org/en/who-we-are)

Made with in Raleigh, NC

Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms)

Have feedback? Send it to us

# Making sense of adult experiences

Ask a question

Questions about harm that happened in adulthood, in relationships, at work or with someone known, and about making sense of what it was.

102 questions from survivors on this topic, each answered by a trauma-informed expert.

[

#### I was kissed by someone while I was drunk. At the moment, I didn't say no and was into it. However, once the alcohol wore off, I wished it hadn't happened. When I confronted the person and told them they shouldn't have engaged sexually with someone who was drunk and that the only appropriate thing to do with a drunk person is to help them walk or get somewhere safe, they responded by saying that I was the one who approached them repeatedly and didn't let them leave, even tearing up when they tried to go. Does this justify them kissing a drunk person? Does it make them less at fault and me more responsible?

🇹🇳

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions.

](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-someone-while-i-was-drunk-at-the-moment-i-didnt-say-no-and-was-into-it-however-once-the-alcohol-wore-off-i-wished-it-hadnt-happened-when-i-confronted-the-person-and-told-them-they-shouldnt-have-engaged-sexually-with-someone-who-was-drunk-and-that-the-only-appropriate-thing-to-do-with-a-drunk-person-is-to-help-them-walk-or-get-somewhere-safe-they-responded-by-saying-that-i-was-the-one-who-approached-them-repeatedly-and-didnt-let-them-leave-even-tearing-up-when-they-tried-to-go-does-this-justify-them-kissing-a-drunk-person-does-it-make-them-less-at-fault-and-me-more-responsible-164)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-someone-while-i-was-drunk-at-the-moment-i-didnt-say-no-and-was-into-it-however-once-the-alcohol-wore-off-i-wished-it-hadnt-happened-when-i-confronted-the-person-and-told-them-they-shouldnt-have-engaged-sexually-with-someone-who-was-drunk-and-that-the-only-appropriate-thing-to-do-with-a-drunk-person-is-to-help-them-walk-or-get-somewhere-safe-they-responded-by-saying-that-i-was-the-one-who-approached-them-repeatedly-and-didnt-let-them-leave-even-tearing-up-when-they-tried-to-go-does-this-justify-them-kissing-a-drunk-person-does-it-make-them-less-at-fault-and-me-more-responsible-164#comments)

[

#### Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was touched sexually without my consent?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. Only you can define your experiences, but based on what you shared, yes. Your experience of unwanted sexual touching without consent can still be considered sexual assault, and it's completely valid to recognize and name it as such. Sexual assault can take many forms beyond rape, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. It's understandable to have questions or doubts about what constitutes sexual assault, but it's important to trust your own feelings and boundaries.

](/en/answer/was-i-still-sexually-assaulted-if-i-wasnt-raped-but-was-touched-sexually-without-my-consent-104)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/was-i-still-sexually-assaulted-if-i-wasnt-raped-but-was-touched-sexually-without-my-consent-104#comments)

[

#### Am I really a survivor if it happened online and I was never physically touched?

🇨🇦

Absolutely. In this digital age, the concept of sexual violence has expanded beyond physical encounters to include online spaces. Online sexual violence refers to any non-consensual sexual activity or behavior that takes place over digital platforms, including social media, messaging apps, virtual reality platforms, and online forums. Online sexual violence can manifest in various forms, such as cyberstalking, revenge porn, sextortion, and grooming, all of which can cause significant harm to individuals' psychological and emotional well-...

](/en/answer/am-i-really-a-survivor-if-it-happened-online-and-i-was-never-physically-touched-93)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/am-i-really-a-survivor-if-it-happened-online-and-i-was-never-physically-touched-93#comments)

[

#### Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

🇨🇱

I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that "yes" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say "yes" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate...

](/en/answer/is-it-sexual-assault-if-i-said-no-several-times-but-the-other-person-kept-insisting-until-i-eventually-said-yes-782 "I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that \"yes\" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say \"yes\" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate...")

4 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/is-it-sexual-assault-if-i-said-no-several-times-but-the-other-person-kept-insisting-until-i-eventually-said-yes-782#comments)

[

#### Is it still considered sexual assault if I was never touched but I felt pressured to sexually touch the other person when I didn’t want to?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for this question. While only you can define what you experienced, based on what you shared this can still certainly be a form of sexual assault, even if you were not physically touched by the other person. Sexual assault is not limited to physical contact. It can also include coercion, manipulation, or pressure to engage in sexual activity that you do not want to do.

](/en/answer/is-it-still-considered-sexual-assault-if-i-was-never-touched-but-i-felt-pressured-to-sexually-touch-the-other-person-when-i-didnt-want-to-143)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/is-it-still-considered-sexual-assault-if-i-was-never-touched-but-i-felt-pressured-to-sexually-touch-the-other-person-when-i-didnt-want-to-143#comments)

[

#### Why is it so common for people to blame sexual violence survivors for their experiences?

🇰🇼

Thank you for this question. Blaming sexual violence survivors for their experiences is unfortunately a pervasive issue deeply rooted in our societal attitudes and common misconceptions about sexual assault. If you have been blamed for your experiences, know you are not alone. Experiencing sexual harm is never your fault.

](/en/answer/why-is-it-so-common-for-people-to-blame-sexual-violence-survivors-for-their-experiences-100)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/why-is-it-so-common-for-people-to-blame-sexual-violence-survivors-for-their-experiences-100#comments)

[

#### How do I know if I was abused?

🇵🇱

When you go through a traumatizing situation, it can be difficult to label what occurred. You might compare your experiences to the experiences you see on TV or read about online, causing you to question whether or not your experience “counts” as abuse. You also may struggle to remember what happened to you due to the way traumatic memories are stored in the brain, particularly if you were a child and did not have the language to name what was happening to you.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-abused-28)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-abused-28#comments)

[

#### How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

🇺🇸

First, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid and that only you can define your experience. If you have ever felt pressured or obligated to engage in sexual activities, however, you may have experienced sexual coercion. Sexual coercion can occur on a spectrum. By definition, sexual coercion is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against their will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-coerced-into-having-sex-12)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-coerced-into-having-sex-12#comments)

[

#### Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop?

🇺🇸

First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, ​but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255.

](/en/answer/why-do-i-self-harm-and-what-is-the-best-way-to-stop-17)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/why-do-i-self-harm-and-what-is-the-best-way-to-stop-17#comments)

[

#### What should I do if I get groped in public by a stranger?

🇰🇼

Thank you for this question. Being groped in public by a stranger is a deeply violating and traumatic experience that no one should ever have to endure. It's an unfair and unacceptable invasion of your personal space and bodily autonomy. The shock, fear, and distress you might feel in such a situation are completely valid. It's important to acknowledge that this is a form of sexual assault, and you have every right to feel upset, angry, or overwhelmed.

](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-if-i-get-groped-in-public-by-a-stranger-234)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-if-i-get-groped-in-public-by-a-stranger-234#comments)

[

#### I know this probably isn’t a faith-based community, however, does God care about these kinds of things?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for reaching out. While this is not a faith-based community, your question is extremely meaningful. People rely on different beliefs to make sense of pain and hardship, and it is very common for survivors to wrestle with questions of faith, especially when searching for comfort or meaning after experiences of harm.

](/en/answer/i-know-this-probably-isnt-a-faith-based-community-however-does-god-care-about-these-kinds-of-things-885)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-know-this-probably-isnt-a-faith-based-community-however-does-god-care-about-these-kinds-of-things-885#comments)

[NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community](https://stories.nomore.org)

[

#### If I didn't want to have sex with someone and just laid there without saying no, is that rape?

🇺🇸

I'm really glad you reached out with this question. What you're describing is something many survivors struggle to make sense of, and your confusion about it is completely understandable. Let me be clear about something important: consent isn't just about whether someone said the word "no." Real consent means an enthusiastic, freely given "yes." It's an active agreement to participate, not just the absence of refusal. When someone doesn't want to have sex and their body language shows they're not participating or engaged, that should be enough...

](/en/answer/if-i-didnt-want-to-have-sex-with-someone-and-just-laid-there-without-saying-no-is-that-rape-811 "I'm really glad you reached out with this question. What you're describing is something many survivors struggle to make sense of, and your confusion about it is completely understandable.
Let me be clear about something important: consent isn't just about whether someone said the word \"no.\" Real consent means an enthusiastic, freely given \"yes.\" It's an active agreement to participate, not just the absence of refusal. When someone doesn't want to have sex and their body language shows they're not participating or engaged, that should be enough...")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/if-i-didnt-want-to-have-sex-with-someone-and-just-laid-there-without-saying-no-is-that-rape-811#comments)

[

#### How do I know whether I have trauma?

🇺🇸

Trauma can impact individuals of all identities. It knows no boundaries and can affect anyone who has experienced extreme stress or adversity. How you label your experience is up to you, but below is some more information about what trauma can look like.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-whether-i-have-trauma-14)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-whether-i-have-trauma-14#comments)

[

#### When does sexual assault count as rape?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. In legal terms, the definition of sexual assault and rape varies depending on jurisdiction. This means that depending on the geographical area where you live, laws may be interpreted and applied differently with slight variations in definitions. To learn about the resources in your area to help you navigate these definitions, if you live in the United States, go to this link , click on the state that you live in, and talk to your local victim assistance office. If you do not live in the United States, read u...

](/en/answer/when-does-sexual-assault-count-as-rape-88)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/when-does-sexual-assault-count-as-rape-88#comments)

[

#### What is the impact of gender-based violence on families?

🇿🇦

Thank you for this question. When a family member experiences gender-based violence, the trauma can create a ripple effect that impacts the entire family. For those who witnessed the violence firsthand, the impact can be particularly severe. Children who grow up in a home where violence occurs may experience a range of emotional and behavioral problems, including fear, anxiety, aggression, and difficulty forming healthy attachments. They may also be at higher risk of experiencing violence in their own relationships later in life. In addition,...

](/en/answer/what-is-the-impact-of-gender-based-violence-on-families-142)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/what-is-the-impact-of-gender-based-violence-on-families-142#comments)

[

#### What kind of trauma is it if you’re almost assaulted but got away? Is it still sexual trauma if nothing ended up happening?

🇰🇼

Experiencing an attempted assault, even if you managed to escape, can still result in significant trauma. This is often referred to as "near-miss trauma" or "attempted sexual assault trauma." While the physical act may not have been completed, the fear, helplessness, and violation of personal safety experienced during such an event can have profound psychological impacts.

](/en/answer/what-kind-of-trauma-is-it-if-youre-almost-assaulted-but-got-away-is-it-still-sexual-trauma-if-nothing-ended-up-happening-196 "Experiencing an attempted assault, even if you managed to escape, can still result in significant trauma. This is often referred to as \"near-miss trauma\" or \"attempted sexual assault trauma.\" While the physical act may not have been completed, the fear, helplessness, and violation of personal safety experienced during such an event can have profound psychological impacts.")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/what-kind-of-trauma-is-it-if-youre-almost-assaulted-but-got-away-is-it-still-sexual-trauma-if-nothing-ended-up-happening-196#comments)

[

#### How do I know if my experience counts as sexual assault?

🇺🇸

When you go through a sexual experience that feels unwanted, it can often be difficult to label what just occurred. We might compare our experiences to the experiences we see on TV or read about online, causing us to question whether or not our experience “counts” as sexual trauma.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-my-experience-counts-as-sexual-assault-1)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-my-experience-counts-as-sexual-assault-1#comments)

[

#### I've been touching myself sexually since I was very young, around age 6, and it's been a regular behavior continuing into the present. Is this normal?

🇩🇪

Thanks for reaching out to us! What you are describing is actually more common than many people realize, and I want you to know that you're not alone in this experience. Childhood self-touch can happen for many different reasons, and it's important to understand that bodies naturally seek comfort and soothing in various ways.

](/en/answer/ive-been-touching-myself-since-i-was-very-young-around-age-6-and-its-been-a-regular-behavior-continuing-into-the-present-is-this-normal-706)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/ive-been-touching-myself-since-i-was-very-young-around-age-6-and-its-been-a-regular-behavior-continuing-into-the-present-is-this-normal-706#comments)

[

#### I still have feelings for my abuser. He showed me so much attention and was so kind in the beginning, and it slowly was withdrawn. And then he assaulted me, and I still feel like if I do the right things he might care about me again. He will randomly show glimpses of how it used to be, and then go back to how it is now. He’s leaving, and I know it’s dramatic, but I feel like my world is ending and I’ll never do better than him, when he leaves. I feel pathetic having these feelings towards him after what he’s done to me. What do I do?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing these complex and painful feelings. The emotions you're experiencing - longing for the person who hurt you, hoping to regain those early moments of care, feeling like you'll never find better - are incredibly common responses to abuse, even though they might feel confusing or shameful.

](/en/answer/i-still-have-feelings-for-my-abuser-he-showed-me-so-much-attention-and-was-so-kind-in-the-beginning-and-it-slowly-was-withdrawn-and-then-he-assaulted-me-and-i-still-feel-like-if-i-do-the-right-things-he-might-care-about-me-again-he-will-randomly-show-glimpses-of-how-it-used-to-be-and-then-go-back-to-how-it-is-now-hes-leaving-and-i-know-its-dramatic-but-i-feel-like-my-world-is-ending-and-ill-never-do-better-than-him-when-he-leaves-i-feel-pathetic-having-these-feelings-towards-him-after-what-hes-done-to-me-what-do-i-do-413)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-still-have-feelings-for-my-abuser-he-showed-me-so-much-attention-and-was-so-kind-in-the-beginning-and-it-slowly-was-withdrawn-and-then-he-assaulted-me-and-i-still-feel-like-if-i-do-the-right-things-he-might-care-about-me-again-he-will-randomly-show-glimpses-of-how-it-used-to-be-and-then-go-back-to-how-it-is-now-hes-leaving-and-i-know-its-dramatic-but-i-feel-like-my-world-is-ending-and-ill-never-do-better-than-him-when-he-leaves-i-feel-pathetic-having-these-feelings-towards-him-after-what-hes-done-to-me-what-do-i-do-413#comments)

[

#### My ex-boyfriend repeatedly touched me inappropriately in public after I clearly asked him to stop multiple times. At the time, I convinced myself I was okay with what happened, but now I realize how uncomfortable and violated it made me feel. It's been several months since we broke up, and I'm struggling with whether I should address this with him or if it's too late to say anything. How do I process these feelings, and what should I consider when deciding whether to confront him about his behavior?

🇨🇦

Thank you so much for reaching out to us and I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way about what happened. What you experienced was a clear violation of your boundaries and consent, and your feelings of discomfort and violation are completely valid.

](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-repeatedly-touched-me-inappropriately-in-public-after-i-clearly-asked-him-to-stop-multiple-times-at-the-time-i-convinced-myself-i-was-okay-with-what-happened-but-now-i-realize-how-unco)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-repeatedly-touched-me-inappropriately-in-public-after-i-clearly-asked-him-to-stop-multiple-times-at-the-time-i-convinced-myself-i-was-okay-with-what-happened-but-now-i-realize-how-unco#comments)

[

#### Is it wrong or creepy to make my original characters experience the same things that happened to me? I use this as a way to process and relate to my experiences since I haven't met other survivors and don't feel comfortable talking about it. A friend recently called me a creep for doing this, even though they knew what I was going through when it was happening. I don't feel like it's fair if my characters don't suffer the way I did. I need something to relate to. Am I weird for this?

🇩🇿

You are absolutely not a creep, and you are not weird. What you're describing is actually a common and legitimate way that many trauma survivors process their experiences. Using creative expression, including writing characters who have gone through similar experiences of sexual assault, is a recognized coping mechanism and can be part of healing.

](/en/answer/is-it-wrong-or-creepy-to-make-my-original-characters-experience-the-same-things-that-happened-to-me-i-use-this-as-a-way-to-process-and-relate-to-my-experiences-since-i-havent-met-other-survivors-and-d)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/is-it-wrong-or-creepy-to-make-my-original-characters-experience-the-same-things-that-happened-to-me-i-use-this-as-a-way-to-process-and-relate-to-my-experiences-since-i-havent-met-other-survivors-and-d#comments)

[

#### Can I even call myself a survivor if it only happened a week ago? I'm not even over it.

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. Yes, you can absolutely call yourself a survivor if that feels right for you. Whether what you experienced happened today, a month ago, a year ago, or 30 years ago-- you still survived the trauma and violence of your past. It is also okay if you do not feel like a survivor right now. Some people prefer to call themselves victims or other labels. Whatever label you choose, recognize how you define your experience is up to you, and that may change overtime.

](/en/answer/can-i-even-call-myself-a-survivor-if-it-only-happened-a-week-ago-im-not-even-over-it-61)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/can-i-even-call-myself-a-survivor-if-it-only-happened-a-week-ago-im-not-even-over-it-61#comments)

[

#### As a Catholic, I struggle with feelings of impurity after my assault. I did things afterward that I thought I had to do to keep people around because they wanted me to. I've been to church and confession and was told it wasn't my fault and that I'm forgiven, but I still struggle with these feelings about purity. What can I do?

🇺🇸

I hear the pain in your words, and I want you to know that your struggle with these feelings is so deeply understandable. The weight you are carrying around purity and worth is something many survivors experience, especially when faith is such an important part of who you are. Your heart is trying to make sense of something that was never meant to happen to you, and that process can feel overwhelming and confusing.

](/en/answer/as-a-catholic-i-struggle-with-feelings-of-impurity-after-my-assault-i-did-things-afterward-that-i-thought-i-had-to-do-to-keep-people-around-because-they-wanted-me-to-ive-been-to-church-and-confession)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/as-a-catholic-i-struggle-with-feelings-of-impurity-after-my-assault-i-did-things-afterward-that-i-thought-i-had-to-do-to-keep-people-around-because-they-wanted-me-to-ive-been-to-church-and-confession#comments)

[

#### How do you “validate” your experience with sexual assault? I feel like I don’t have the right to be upset, call myself a survivor, or even consider it sexual assault because I feel like my situation wasn’t bad enough, especially since it wasn’t rape.

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with something so deeply personal. What you're sharing-- that inner voice questioning whether your experience "counts" or was "bad enough"-- reflects a struggle that resonates with many survivors. Please know that these doubts don't make your experience any less real or your pain any less valid. Every person's experience with sexual assault is profoundly unique, and there simply isn't a measuring stick for trauma. Your feelings are completely valid, and you have every right to honor exactly what you're experiencing.

](/en/answer/how-do-you-validate-your-experience-with-sexual-assault-i-feel-like-i-dont-have-the-right-to-be-upset-call-myself-a-survivor-or-even-consider-it-sexual-assault-because-i-feel-like-my-situation-wasnt-b "Thank you for trusting us with something so deeply personal. What you're sharing-- that inner voice questioning whether your experience \"counts\" or was \"bad enough\"-- reflects a struggle that resonates with many survivors. Please know that these doubts don't make your experience any less real or your pain any less valid. Every person's experience with sexual assault is profoundly unique, and there simply isn't a measuring stick for trauma. Your feelings are completely valid, and you have every right to honor exactly what you're experiencing.")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/how-do-you-validate-your-experience-with-sexual-assault-i-feel-like-i-dont-have-the-right-to-be-upset-call-myself-a-survivor-or-even-consider-it-sexual-assault-because-i-feel-like-my-situation-wasnt-b#comments)

[

#### It is hard to find much about male survivors, even harder to find information about male survivors of female perpetrators. It does happen, but it is such a forbidden topic that no one wants to talk or even hear about it, only further isolating the victim. It is a lonely place.

🇺🇸

You are right-- it is hard to find information about male survivors. As a survivor looking for resources online, the majority of support is geared towards women. For example, college students looking for sexual assault resources are often directed towards the school’s Women’s Center. This is helpful for woman-identifying survivors, but male survivors often feel left behind. Sexual assault can happen to anyone, regardless of gender and sexual orientation, and yet male survivors do not always have a specific place to go in the same w...

](/en/answer/it-is-hard-to-find-much-about-male-survivors-even-harder-to-find-information-about-male-survivors-of-female-perpetrators-it-does-happen-but-it-is-such-a-forbidden-topic-that-no-one-wants-to-talk-or-even-hear-about-it-only-further-isolating-the-victim-it-is-a-lonely-place-34)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/it-is-hard-to-find-much-about-male-survivors-even-harder-to-find-information-about-male-survivors-of-female-perpetrators-it-does-happen-but-it-is-such-a-forbidden-topic-that-no-one-wants-to-talk-or-even-hear-about-it-only-further-isolating-the-victim-it-is-a-lonely-place-34#comments)

[

#### I was sexually harmed by someone of my own gender and now I identify as LGBTQ+, does this mean my experience made me gay?

🇺🇸

Abuse can disrupt our sense of identity, the relationships we have, and how we feel about our sexuality, particularly when the person who harmed us is of the same gender. Despite this, while your sexual preferences may be influenced by your traumatic experiences, being harmed by someone of the same gender cannot “make” you gay, bisexual, or transgender. Abuse interrupts our natural development and understanding of ourselves. Therefore it is not uncommon to feel confused about sex and sexuality after experiencing sexual harm.

](/en/answer/i-was-harmed-by-someone-of-my-own-gender-and-now-i-identify-as-lgbtq-does-this-mean-my-experience-made-me-gay-40)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-was-harmed-by-someone-of-my-own-gender-and-now-i-identify-as-lgbtq-does-this-mean-my-experience-made-me-gay-40#comments)

[

#### I think I have been sexually assaulted by an ex-friend. Is it sexual assault if you aren't penetrated? She groped me and jabbed at my a\*\*, but I didn't think it was important because we are both female.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for this question. Sexual assault can take many forms, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. What you experienced from your ex-friend could certainly "count" as sexual assault, even without penetration occurring. Any form of sexual contact or behavior without your explicit consent can be harmful and considered assault. To see a similar question we have answered in the past of this nature, click here: Q & A ~ Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was tou...

](/en/answer/i-think-i-have-been-sexually-assaulted-by-an-ex-friend-is-it-sexual-assault-if-you-arent-penetrated-she-groped-me-im-female-and-jabbed-at-my-a-but-i-didnt-think-it-was-important-because-we-are-both-female-114 "Thank you so much for this question. Sexual assault can take many forms, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. What you experienced from your ex-friend could certainly \"count\" as sexual assault, even without penetration occurring. Any form of sexual contact or behavior without your explicit consent can be harmful and considered assault. To see a similar question we have answered in the past of this nature, click here: Q & A ~ Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was tou...")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-think-i-have-been-sexually-assaulted-by-an-ex-friend-is-it-sexual-assault-if-you-arent-penetrated-she-groped-me-im-female-and-jabbed-at-my-a-but-i-didnt-think-it-was-important-because-we-are-both-female-114#comments)

[We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie)

[

#### A boyfriend a long time ago asked me to perform oral sex on him, which I did with hesitation. I very clearly told him not to ejaculate, and he agreed — but then did anyway. It's a moment I have never forgotten, and I feel so confused by it. It has affected my intimacy ever since. Was this assault or abuse? I feel like I need a term to describe what happened to help me move forward.

🇮🇪

Thank you for trusting us with this question. The confusion you're feeling, the lasting impact on your intimacy, and the need to find language for what happened all make complete sense. The fact that this moment has stayed with you for so long is meaningful, and your instinct to name it sounds like it might be an important part of your healing process.

](/en/answer/a-boyfriend-a-long-time-ago-asked-me-to-perform-oral-sex-on-him-which-i-did-with-hesitation-i-very-clearly-told-him-not-to-ejaculate-and-he-agreed-but-then-did-anyway-its-a-moment-i-have-never-forgott)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/a-boyfriend-a-long-time-ago-asked-me-to-perform-oral-sex-on-him-which-i-did-with-hesitation-i-very-clearly-told-him-not-to-ejaculate-and-he-agreed-but-then-did-anyway-its-a-moment-i-have-never-forgott#comments)

[

#### I didn’t know I lived with trauma until I started therapy...now I can’t help but minimize it?

🇺🇸

We received many questions about trauma processing and identity. Let’s talk about this in two parts with the help of a PhD prepared mental health nurse and sexual assault nurse examiner from @ourwavestories. We will start with talking about coming to terms with trauma as it relates to our identity, and then we will talk about integrating it into our identity.

](/en/answer/i-didnt-know-i-lived-with-trauma-until-started-therapy-now-cant-help-but-minimize-7)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-didnt-know-i-lived-with-trauma-until-started-therapy-now-cant-help-but-minimize-7#comments)

[

#### A year ago, a man followed me home despite my protests. I was too afraid to stop him. When we got to my door, he grabbed my shoulders, looked around to ensure no one was nearby, and kissed my neck. I felt violated but also feel guilty. Should this be classified as sexual assault even though he didn't touch me in private areas? How long does it take to process these feelings? I still cry about it even though I feel I should be over it by now.

🇨🇦

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. What you went through sounds incredibly frightening and violating, and it's completely understandable that it still affects you deeply. What you experienced was unwanted sexual contact that occurred after you expressed resistance, and your feelings of violation are completely valid. Sexual assault encompasses a spectrum of unwanted sexual behaviors, including unwanted kissing. The fact that he checked to make sure no one was watching shows he likely knew his behavior was inappropriate and unwanted...

](/en/answer/a-year-ago-a-man-followed-me-home-despite-my-protests-i-was-too-afraid-to-stop-him-when-we-got-to-my-door-he-grabbed-my-shoulders-looked-around-to-ensure-no-one-was-nearby-and-kissed-my-neck-i-felt-vi)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/a-year-ago-a-man-followed-me-home-despite-my-protests-i-was-too-afraid-to-stop-him-when-we-got-to-my-door-he-grabbed-my-shoulders-looked-around-to-ensure-no-one-was-nearby-and-kissed-my-neck-i-felt-vi#comments)

[We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie)

[

#### I'm feeling really anxious and unsettled after a night of heavy drinking and cannabis use, during which I have memory gaps. I realized I was intimate with someone I don't fully trust. How can I safely process this experience and these feelings?

🇮🇪

Thank you so much for trusting us with this and I am so sorry this happened to you. What you're feeling right now makes complete sense, and it's important to honor that your nervous system is responding to something that feels confusing and distressing. Memory gaps are particularly disorienting because they leave you without a full picture of what happened, and that uncertainty on its own can be really difficult to sit with. You don't have to have all the answers about what occurred in order for your feelings to be valid.

](/en/answer/im-feeling-really-anxious-and-unsettled-after-a-night-of-heavy-drinking-and-cannabis-use-during-which-i-have-memory-gaps-i-realized-i-was-intimate-with-someone-i-dont-fully-trust-how-can-i-safely-proc)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/im-feeling-really-anxious-and-unsettled-after-a-night-of-heavy-drinking-and-cannabis-use-during-which-i-have-memory-gaps-i-realized-i-was-intimate-with-someone-i-dont-fully-trust-how-can-i-safely-proc#comments)

[

#### What makes sexual violence traumatizing?

🇰🇼

Sexual violence can be traumatizing for several reasons. To start, the violation of bodily autonomy and boundaries can shatter a survivor's sense of safety and trust. When someone experiences sexual violence, their fundamental right to control what happens to their body is forcibly taken away, leaving them often feeling powerless and vulnerable. This loss of agency can profoundly disrupt one's sense of self and safety in the world, leading to feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion.

](/en/answer/what-makes-sexual-violence-traumatizing-106)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/what-makes-sexual-violence-traumatizing-106#comments)

[

#### For many years I had a belief that I could never say no to sex, and I didn’t even realize I believed it. All the sex from that time now feels like horrible memories I want to avoid. Were they all assaults? Eventually I did start saying no clearly, and sometimes sex continued anyway without my consent. Other times I don’t remember whether I said no clearly. I never initiated, and sometimes alcohol was involved for both of us. How do I make sense of this? It feels really horrible. Thank you for reading

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with something this tender and this complicated. Realizing that years of your life felt very different from how they looked from the outside is disorienting, and the horror you are feeling makes sense. Researchers have a term for part of what you describe: sexual compliance, which means going along with sex you do not want, often because refusing does not feel possible. Many people live inside a belief like yours for years without seeing it, because beliefs like these tend to form gradually until they stop feeling lik...

](/en/answer/i-had-a-belief-that-i-can-never-say-no-to-sex-and-i-didnt-realize-it-for-many-years-all-of-the-sex-from-that-time-feel-like-horrible-memories-i-want-to-avoid-were-they-all-assaults-eventually-i-did-ma-978)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-had-a-belief-that-i-can-never-say-no-to-sex-and-i-didnt-realize-it-for-many-years-all-of-the-sex-from-that-time-feel-like-horrible-memories-i-want-to-avoid-were-they-all-assaults-eventually-i-did-ma-978#comments)

[

#### I was drunk and someone who was helping me kissed me when I hadn't shown any interest before I became intoxicated. Everything was blurry that night. I was laying down on his lap with my eyes closed when he kissed me. I didn't immediately push him away because I was really drunk, almost blackout drunk, and didn't have the strength. I only realized what happened after he stopped. I think he believes I consented because I didn't push him away. Is my anger valid even though I didn't say no?

🇵🇭

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Your feelings of anger are completely valid. Being unable to push someone away or verbally say "no" while heavily intoxicated does not equal consent. Consent must be freely given, which means a person must be in a state where they can make clear decisions. When someone is severely intoxicated or nearly "blackout drunk" as you described, they cannot provide meaningful consent to sexual activity.

](/en/answer/i-was-drunk-and-someone-who-was-helping-me-kissed-me-when-i-hadnt-shown-any-interest-before-i-became-intoxicated-everything-was-blurry-that-night-i-was-laying-down-on-his-lap-with-my-eyes-closed-when)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-was-drunk-and-someone-who-was-helping-me-kissed-me-when-i-hadnt-shown-any-interest-before-i-became-intoxicated-everything-was-blurry-that-night-i-was-laying-down-on-his-lap-with-my-eyes-closed-when#comments)

[

#### Someone who assaulted me months ago recently threatened suicide and blamed me for not forgiving them. During our confrontation, we both exchanged harmful words about self-harm and I had a harsh response to them because I was at my breaking point. They're now in the hospital and seem to be portraying themselves as the victim. Was my harsh response wrong given the circumstances and my emotional state?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this difficult situation. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge how incredibly painful and confusing this must be for you. Being confronted by someone who has harmed you, only to have them threaten self-harm when you don't respond as they want, creates an overwhelming emotional burden that no one should have to carry.

](/en/answer/someone-who-assaulted-me-months-ago-recently-threatened-suicide-and-blamed-me-for-not-forgiving-them-during-our-confrontation-we-both-exchanged-harmful-words-about-self-harm-and-i-had-a-harsh-response)

Community note

This question contains references to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis helpline.

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/someone-who-assaulted-me-months-ago-recently-threatened-suicide-and-blamed-me-for-not-forgiving-them-during-our-confrontation-we-both-exchanged-harmful-words-about-self-harm-and-i-had-a-harsh-response#comments)

[

#### Is it considered sexual abuse if someone started touching me without asking for verbal consent, and I reciprocated only because I felt that's what they expected and that I had to respond? I didn't really want to, but I felt obligated to participate.

🇦🇺

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience and for having the courage to seek clarity. Your question is not uncommon and touches on important aspects of consent and sexual abuse. In situations like the one you've described, where there was no verbal consent and you felt obligated to reciprocate even though you didn't really want to, this could indeed be considered a form of sexual abuse or coercion. Consent should always be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given - not something you feel pressured into or obligated to provide.

](/en/answer/is-it-considered-sexual-abuse-if-someone-started-touching-me-without-asking-for-verbal-consent-and-i-reciprocated-only-because-i-felt-thats-what-they-expected-and-that-i-had-to-respond-i-didnt-really-want-to-but-i-felt-obligated-to-participate-190)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/is-it-considered-sexual-abuse-if-someone-started-touching-me-without-asking-for-verbal-consent-and-i-reciprocated-only-because-i-felt-thats-what-they-expected-and-that-i-had-to-respond-i-didnt-really-want-to-but-i-felt-obligated-to-participate-190#comments)

[

#### Last week I was blackout drunk and invited a guy I met online to my house. I don’t remember why I did that. I never would have done that sober, and I never give out my address. I remember getting in his car. He parked and wanted sex, and I told him I couldn’t. He said I should think about that, and he kept taking his pants off and pressuring me until I gave in. He knew I was drunk. I could barely walk, and I told him I was really drunk. It was over quickly and he drove me home. I feel so stupid, and I feel like I brought this on myself. I don’t know how to tell my husband. But my real question is, was this rape?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. I am really glad you wrote in and I am sorry you have been carrying this for a week on your own. You asked whether this was rape. Consent, in clinical practice and in most legal frameworks, rests on two things: 1) being willing, and 2) having the capacity to decide. Alcohol takes away the capacity part. When someone can barely walk and their brain is not forming memories, many laws and most clinical definitions treat them as unable to consent. You also told him no and he kept pushing until you gave in. Rese...

](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981#comments)

[

#### My ex-boyfriend would pressure me into saying "yes" to sexual acts, even when I was too intoxicated to properly consent, not enthusiastic, or uncomfortable with parts of what he was doing. He's a nice guy who supports victims, so I don't think it was intentional. How do I know if this was sexual assault/abuse or if I was just bad at communicating?

🇬🇧

Thank you for reaching out to us. I can share what I think based on the context you gave, but know that ultimately your interpretation of your experiences is totally up to you. What you're describing does sound like sexual abuse, even if your ex-boyfriend seemed like a nice person. Pressuring someone into sexual activity, pursuing sex with a person who is too intoxicated to consent, and ignoring a partner's expressed discomfort are all forms of coercion and assault. Consent should be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and...

](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-would-pressure-me-into-saying-yes-to-sexual-acts-even-when-i-was-too-intoxicated-to-properly-consent-not-enthusiastic-or-uncomfortable-with-parts-of-what-he-was-doing-hes-a-nice-guy-who-supports-victims-so-i-dont-think-it-was-intentional-how-do-i-know-if-this-was-sexual-assault-abuse-or-if-i-was-just-bad-at-communicating-146)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-would-pressure-me-into-saying-yes-to-sexual-acts-even-when-i-was-too-intoxicated-to-properly-consent-not-enthusiastic-or-uncomfortable-with-parts-of-what-he-was-doing-hes-a-nice-guy-who-supports-victims-so-i-dont-think-it-was-intentional-how-do-i-know-if-this-was-sexual-assault-abuse-or-if-i-was-just-bad-at-communicating-146#comments)

[

#### My best friend kissed me while I was drunk, even though he was completely sober. I did not want it, but I was not in a place where I felt able to stop it. Afterward I asked him why he did it and told him he should not have. He turned it around on me and said I had led him on because I touched his hair. We are both in relationships. Since then I have felt betrayed and tainted, and I ended the friendship. Was this an assault?

🇺🇸

Thank you for being here. What you are describing sounds disorienting, and the fact that you are still sitting with it makes complete sense. You came here trying to make sense of something that never should have been yours to untangle alone. I do not want to label your experience for you, but I can walk through what you described piece by piece because the pieces themselves carry information. Consent requires the ability to freely and clearly say yes, in the moment, with a clear head. You were drunk, which affects that ability. He was sober, w...

](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937#comments)

[

#### Are there other straight men who experienced abuse in a romantic relationship as a young adult?

🇺🇸

You are absolutely not alone, and it's worth saying that clearly and directly because the silence around this experience can make it feel that way. Abuse in romantic relationships happens to men, including straight men, and it is far more common than most people realize or talk about.

](/en/answer/are-there-other-straight-men-who-experienced-abuse-in-a-romantic-relationship-as-a-young-adult-873)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/are-there-other-straight-men-who-experienced-abuse-in-a-romantic-relationship-as-a-young-adult-873#comments)

[

#### I became pregnant after being repeatedly sexually abused by multiple men. My baby was stillborn, and I never had DNA testing done. Is it strange that I wish I knew who her father was?

🇦🇺

I'm so sorry for the overwhelming pain and loss you've been through. There is nothing weird or strange about wishing you knew who your daughter's father was. Your feelings make complete sense, and many survivors in similar situations share this desire to know.

](/en/answer/i-became-pregnant-after-being-repeatedly-sexually-abused-by-multiple-men-my-baby-was-stillborn-and-i-never-had-dna-testing-done-is-it-strange-that-i-wish-i-knew-who-her-father-was-788)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-became-pregnant-after-being-repeatedly-sexually-abused-by-multiple-men-my-baby-was-stillborn-and-i-never-had-dna-testing-done-is-it-strange-that-i-wish-i-knew-who-her-father-was-788#comments)

[

#### Since intoxicated people cannot consent, what is the situation if two intoxicated people willingly have intercourse with each other? Would that still not be okay?

🇰🇼

Thank you for bringing up this sensitive and complex topic. When discussing consent and intoxication, it's crucial to recognize that everyone's experiences and reactions are unique and valid. For some, this topic may bring up difficult memories or emotions, and that's completely understandable.

](/en/answer/since-intoxicated-people-cannot-consent-what-is-the-situation-if-two-intoxicated-people-willingly-have-intercourse-with-each-other-would-that-still-not-be-okay-261)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/since-intoxicated-people-cannot-consent-what-is-the-situation-if-two-intoxicated-people-willingly-have-intercourse-with-each-other-would-that-still-not-be-okay-261#comments)

[

#### I was sexually assaulted by another man who was twice my size while I was intoxicated. When I think back to that moment, I question why I didn't fight harder. After the encounter, I sobered up quickly and felt very angry and disturbed. Why do I feel like it was my fault or like I wanted it when I clearly didn't?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. What happened to you was not your fault, but it's completely understandable that you're feeling angry, disturbed, and questioning yourself. When faced with a threatening situation, our bodies can respond in ways we might not expect. Freezing or feeling unable to fight back is a common reaction to trauma. It's a natural, involuntary response where the body goes into a state of shock or paralysis as a way to protect itself.

](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and#comments)

[

#### I'm visiting family and struggling with my grandmother's inappropriate touching of my body when she 'feels' my clothing. My parents dismiss this behavior as just her being 'weird.' How can I cope with this situation? Is there more to life than being afraid of relatives? I don't think they'll change, but are there people who aren't like this?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. I am so sorry you are experiencing this distressing situation. What your grandmother is doing is not okay, and your feelings of discomfort and anxiety are completely valid. First and foremost, your grandmother's behavior is inappropriate, regardless of her age or familial relationship. It's not just "weird" - it's a violation of your personal boundaries and bodily autonomy and could even be considered sexual harassment. Your parents' dismissal of this behavior is not appropriate or helpful.

](/en/answer/im-visiting-family-and-struggling-with-my-grandmothers-inappropriate-touching-of-my-body-when-she-feels-my-clothing-my-parents-dismiss-this-behavior-as-just-her-being-weird-how-can-i-cope-with-this-situation-is-there-more-to-life-than-being-afraid-of-relatives-i-dont-think-theyll-change-but-are-there-people-who-arent-like-this-214 "Thank you so much for reaching out to us. I am so sorry you are experiencing this distressing situation. What your grandmother is doing is not okay, and your feelings of discomfort and anxiety are completely valid. 
First and foremost, your grandmother's behavior is inappropriate, regardless of her age or familial relationship. It's not just \"weird\" - it's a violation of your personal boundaries and bodily autonomy and could even be considered sexual harassment. Your parents' dismissal of this behavior is not appropriate or helpful.")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/im-visiting-family-and-struggling-with-my-grandmothers-inappropriate-touching-of-my-body-when-she-feels-my-clothing-my-parents-dismiss-this-behavior-as-just-her-being-weird-how-can-i-cope-with-this-situation-is-there-more-to-life-than-being-afraid-of-relatives-i-dont-think-theyll-change-but-are-there-people-who-arent-like-this-214#comments)

[

#### A few months back I was kissed by a sober man I didn’t know while I was severely drunk. Upon sobering up I felt disgusting and still do months later, because I never would have done that if I wasn’t intoxicated. He asked to kiss me and I said yes, which is what confuses me so much. He knew I was drunk but I can’t help but feel like it was my fault because I agreed. He even helped me walk and got me water because I couldn’t do it myself. I never say no to anything while drunk, but it’s not like he knew that. Was it still consensual? Why do I feel so guilty?

🇦🇩

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. The confusion you're describing (feeling disgusted even though you said yes) is quite a disorienting place to find yourself. Consent requires three things: 1) the ability to think clearly, 2) the ability to understand what you're agreeing to, and 3) the ability to feel genuinely free to say no. Severe intoxication takes all three away. A yes that comes out of a severely drunk mouth is not the same as a real, considered agreement. When you're that drunk, you're not you. Not the version of you who get...

](/en/answer/a-few-months-back-i-was-kissed-by-a-sober-man-i-didnt-know-while-i-was-severely-drunk-upon-sobering-up-i-felt-disgusting-and-still-do-months-later-because-i-never-would-have-done-that-if-i-wasnt-intox-951)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/a-few-months-back-i-was-kissed-by-a-sober-man-i-didnt-know-while-i-was-severely-drunk-upon-sobering-up-i-felt-disgusting-and-still-do-months-later-because-i-never-would-have-done-that-if-i-wasnt-intox-951#comments)

[

#### Is it possible for a child to assault an adult? What should the adult do if this happens?

🇰🇼

Thank you for raising this sensitive topic. While it's understandable to have questions about complex situations, it's crucial to approach this subject with extreme care and prioritize the safety and wellbeing of all individuals, especially children.

](/en/answer/is-it-possible-for-a-child-to-assault-an-adult-what-should-the-adult-do-if-this-happens-245)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/is-it-possible-for-a-child-to-assault-an-adult-what-should-the-adult-do-if-this-happens-245#comments)

[

#### Am I still allowed to call what happened sexual assault when it wasn't penetrative?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. The short answer is yes. When you go through a sexual experience that feels unwanted, it can often be difficult to label what just occurred. We might compare our experiences to the experiences we see on TV or read about online, causing us to question whether or not our experience “counts” as sexual assault.

](/en/answer/am-i-still-allowed-to-call-what-happened-sexual-assault-when-it-wasnt-penetrative-56)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/am-i-still-allowed-to-call-what-happened-sexual-assault-when-it-wasnt-penetrative-56#comments)

[

#### After being assaulted, I've become somewhat obsessed with sexual assault as a topic. Is this unhealthy?

🇰🇼

Thank you for asking this difficult question. To start, I want to say that what you are experiencing is a completely normal and understandable response to the trauma of sexual assault. It's not uncommon for survivors to become preoccupied with the topic of sexual violence in the aftermath of an assault, and this doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're doing something unhealthy.

](/en/answer/after-being-assaulted-ive-become-somewhat-obsessed-with-sexual-assault-as-a-topic-is-this-unhealthy-141)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/after-being-assaulted-ive-become-somewhat-obsessed-with-sexual-assault-as-a-topic-is-this-unhealthy-141#comments)

[We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie)

[

#### My partner had sex with me while I was blacked out and then told me about it afterward. When I questioned them, they changed their story multiple times...first saying I was making noises, and finally admitting I was asleep when they continued. I am his first-ever partner, so I am keeping that in mind. Something about this doesn't sit right with me, but it's been really difficult to leave because he has been so good to me in other ways. Why is it so hard to leave a relationship when something like this happens?

🇬🇧

Thank you for trusting us with something this painful and confusing. What comes through clearly in what you shared is that something happened that doesn't sit right with you, and you have been carrying that feeling while also trying to hold onto everything good in your relationship. That kind of inner conflict is exhausting, and the fact that you are paying attention to it even when it complicates something you value is really meaningful.

](/en/answer/my-partner-had-sex-with-me-while-i-was-blacked-out-and-then-told-me-about-it-afterward-when-i-questioned-them-they-changed-their-story-multiple-timesfirst-saying-i-was-making-noises-and-finally-admitt)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/my-partner-had-sex-with-me-while-i-was-blacked-out-and-then-told-me-about-it-afterward-when-i-questioned-them-they-changed-their-story-multiple-timesfirst-saying-i-was-making-noises-and-finally-admitt#comments)

[

#### If someone agreed to have sex and wanted it, but then stayed silent and still during the encounter because they were afraid of being caught by others (not afraid of the person or act itself), does that affect consent? The other person initiated actions and went further than expected, but there was no verbal response or physical engagement throughout. Why does this feel confusing, and how do you know if consent was present when someone chose to stay silent and still, even though the silence wasn't about fear of their partner?

🇲🇽

It sounds like this situation involved someone who genuinely wanted intimacy, yet felt paralyzed by the fear of being caught. Holding both truths at once can naturally create confusion. What you're describing captures something really important about consent that often gets oversimplified: consent isn't just about what someone wants in theory or what was agreed to before things started, and it's not just about saying "yes" or "no." It also involves feeling safe enough to communicate, set boundaries, and decide what feels right as the experienc...

](/en/answer/if-someone-agreed-to-have-sex-and-wanted-it-but-then-stayed-silent-and-still-during-the-encounter-because-they-were-afraid-of-being-caught-by-others-not-afraid-of-the-person-or-act-itself-does-that-af "It sounds like this situation involved someone who genuinely wanted intimacy, yet felt paralyzed by the fear of being caught. Holding both truths at once can naturally create confusion. What you're describing captures something really important about consent that often gets oversimplified: consent isn't just about what someone wants in theory or what was agreed to before things started, and it's not just about saying \"yes\" or \"no.\" It also involves feeling safe enough to communicate, set boundaries, and decide what feels right as the experienc...")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/if-someone-agreed-to-have-sex-and-wanted-it-but-then-stayed-silent-and-still-during-the-encounter-because-they-were-afraid-of-being-caught-by-others-not-afraid-of-the-person-or-act-itself-does-that-af#comments)

[

#### I was kissed by someone while I was drunk. At the moment, I didn't say no and was into it. However, once the alcohol wore off, I wished it hadn't happened. When I confronted the person and told them they shouldn't have engaged sexually with someone who was drunk and that the only appropriate thing to do with a drunk person is to help them walk or get somewhere safe, they responded by saying that I was the one who approached them repeatedly and didn't let them leave, even tearing up when they tried to go. Does this justify them kissing a drunk person? Does it make them less at fault and me more responsible?

🇹🇳

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions.

](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-someone-while-i-was-drunk-at-the-moment-i-didnt-say-no-and-was-into-it-however-once-the-alcohol-wore-off-i-wished-it-hadnt-happened-when-i-confronted-the-person-and-told-them-they-shouldnt-have-engaged-sexually-with-someone-who-was-drunk-and-that-the-only-appropriate-thing-to-do-with-a-drunk-person-is-to-help-them-walk-or-get-somewhere-safe-they-responded-by-saying-that-i-was-the-one-who-approached-them-repeatedly-and-didnt-let-them-leave-even-tearing-up-when-they-tried-to-go-does-this-justify-them-kissing-a-drunk-person-does-it-make-them-less-at-fault-and-me-more-responsible-164)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-someone-while-i-was-drunk-at-the-moment-i-didnt-say-no-and-was-into-it-however-once-the-alcohol-wore-off-i-wished-it-hadnt-happened-when-i-confronted-the-person-and-told-them-they-shouldnt-have-engaged-sexually-with-someone-who-was-drunk-and-that-the-only-appropriate-thing-to-do-with-a-drunk-person-is-to-help-them-walk-or-get-somewhere-safe-they-responded-by-saying-that-i-was-the-one-who-approached-them-repeatedly-and-didnt-let-them-leave-even-tearing-up-when-they-tried-to-go-does-this-justify-them-kissing-a-drunk-person-does-it-make-them-less-at-fault-and-me-more-responsible-164#comments)

[

#### Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

🇨🇱

I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that "yes" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say "yes" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate...

](/en/answer/is-it-sexual-assault-if-i-said-no-several-times-but-the-other-person-kept-insisting-until-i-eventually-said-yes-782 "I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that \"yes\" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say \"yes\" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate...")

4 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/is-it-sexual-assault-if-i-said-no-several-times-but-the-other-person-kept-insisting-until-i-eventually-said-yes-782#comments)

[

#### How do I know if I was abused?

🇵🇱

When you go through a traumatizing situation, it can be difficult to label what occurred. You might compare your experiences to the experiences you see on TV or read about online, causing you to question whether or not your experience “counts” as abuse. You also may struggle to remember what happened to you due to the way traumatic memories are stored in the brain, particularly if you were a child and did not have the language to name what was happening to you.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-abused-28)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-abused-28#comments)

[

#### What should I do if I get groped in public by a stranger?

🇰🇼

Thank you for this question. Being groped in public by a stranger is a deeply violating and traumatic experience that no one should ever have to endure. It's an unfair and unacceptable invasion of your personal space and bodily autonomy. The shock, fear, and distress you might feel in such a situation are completely valid. It's important to acknowledge that this is a form of sexual assault, and you have every right to feel upset, angry, or overwhelmed.

](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-if-i-get-groped-in-public-by-a-stranger-234)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-if-i-get-groped-in-public-by-a-stranger-234#comments)

[

#### How do I know whether I have trauma?

🇺🇸

Trauma can impact individuals of all identities. It knows no boundaries and can affect anyone who has experienced extreme stress or adversity. How you label your experience is up to you, but below is some more information about what trauma can look like.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-whether-i-have-trauma-14)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-whether-i-have-trauma-14#comments)

[

#### What kind of trauma is it if you’re almost assaulted but got away? Is it still sexual trauma if nothing ended up happening?

🇰🇼

Experiencing an attempted assault, even if you managed to escape, can still result in significant trauma. This is often referred to as "near-miss trauma" or "attempted sexual assault trauma." While the physical act may not have been completed, the fear, helplessness, and violation of personal safety experienced during such an event can have profound psychological impacts.

](/en/answer/what-kind-of-trauma-is-it-if-youre-almost-assaulted-but-got-away-is-it-still-sexual-trauma-if-nothing-ended-up-happening-196 "Experiencing an attempted assault, even if you managed to escape, can still result in significant trauma. This is often referred to as \"near-miss trauma\" or \"attempted sexual assault trauma.\" While the physical act may not have been completed, the fear, helplessness, and violation of personal safety experienced during such an event can have profound psychological impacts.")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/what-kind-of-trauma-is-it-if-youre-almost-assaulted-but-got-away-is-it-still-sexual-trauma-if-nothing-ended-up-happening-196#comments)

[

#### I still have feelings for my abuser. He showed me so much attention and was so kind in the beginning, and it slowly was withdrawn. And then he assaulted me, and I still feel like if I do the right things he might care about me again. He will randomly show glimpses of how it used to be, and then go back to how it is now. He’s leaving, and I know it’s dramatic, but I feel like my world is ending and I’ll never do better than him, when he leaves. I feel pathetic having these feelings towards him after what he’s done to me. What do I do?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing these complex and painful feelings. The emotions you're experiencing - longing for the person who hurt you, hoping to regain those early moments of care, feeling like you'll never find better - are incredibly common responses to abuse, even though they might feel confusing or shameful.

](/en/answer/i-still-have-feelings-for-my-abuser-he-showed-me-so-much-attention-and-was-so-kind-in-the-beginning-and-it-slowly-was-withdrawn-and-then-he-assaulted-me-and-i-still-feel-like-if-i-do-the-right-things-he-might-care-about-me-again-he-will-randomly-show-glimpses-of-how-it-used-to-be-and-then-go-back-to-how-it-is-now-hes-leaving-and-i-know-its-dramatic-but-i-feel-like-my-world-is-ending-and-ill-never-do-better-than-him-when-he-leaves-i-feel-pathetic-having-these-feelings-towards-him-after-what-hes-done-to-me-what-do-i-do-413)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-still-have-feelings-for-my-abuser-he-showed-me-so-much-attention-and-was-so-kind-in-the-beginning-and-it-slowly-was-withdrawn-and-then-he-assaulted-me-and-i-still-feel-like-if-i-do-the-right-things-he-might-care-about-me-again-he-will-randomly-show-glimpses-of-how-it-used-to-be-and-then-go-back-to-how-it-is-now-hes-leaving-and-i-know-its-dramatic-but-i-feel-like-my-world-is-ending-and-ill-never-do-better-than-him-when-he-leaves-i-feel-pathetic-having-these-feelings-towards-him-after-what-hes-done-to-me-what-do-i-do-413#comments)

[

#### Can I even call myself a survivor if it only happened a week ago? I'm not even over it.

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. Yes, you can absolutely call yourself a survivor if that feels right for you. Whether what you experienced happened today, a month ago, a year ago, or 30 years ago-- you still survived the trauma and violence of your past. It is also okay if you do not feel like a survivor right now. Some people prefer to call themselves victims or other labels. Whatever label you choose, recognize how you define your experience is up to you, and that may change overtime.

](/en/answer/can-i-even-call-myself-a-survivor-if-it-only-happened-a-week-ago-im-not-even-over-it-61)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/can-i-even-call-myself-a-survivor-if-it-only-happened-a-week-ago-im-not-even-over-it-61#comments)

[

#### It is hard to find much about male survivors, even harder to find information about male survivors of female perpetrators. It does happen, but it is such a forbidden topic that no one wants to talk or even hear about it, only further isolating the victim. It is a lonely place.

🇺🇸

You are right-- it is hard to find information about male survivors. As a survivor looking for resources online, the majority of support is geared towards women. For example, college students looking for sexual assault resources are often directed towards the school’s Women’s Center. This is helpful for woman-identifying survivors, but male survivors often feel left behind. Sexual assault can happen to anyone, regardless of gender and sexual orientation, and yet male survivors do not always have a specific place to go in the same w...

](/en/answer/it-is-hard-to-find-much-about-male-survivors-even-harder-to-find-information-about-male-survivors-of-female-perpetrators-it-does-happen-but-it-is-such-a-forbidden-topic-that-no-one-wants-to-talk-or-even-hear-about-it-only-further-isolating-the-victim-it-is-a-lonely-place-34)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/it-is-hard-to-find-much-about-male-survivors-even-harder-to-find-information-about-male-survivors-of-female-perpetrators-it-does-happen-but-it-is-such-a-forbidden-topic-that-no-one-wants-to-talk-or-even-hear-about-it-only-further-isolating-the-victim-it-is-a-lonely-place-34#comments)

[We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie)

[

#### A boyfriend a long time ago asked me to perform oral sex on him, which I did with hesitation. I very clearly told him not to ejaculate, and he agreed — but then did anyway. It's a moment I have never forgotten, and I feel so confused by it. It has affected my intimacy ever since. Was this assault or abuse? I feel like I need a term to describe what happened to help me move forward.

🇮🇪

Thank you for trusting us with this question. The confusion you're feeling, the lasting impact on your intimacy, and the need to find language for what happened all make complete sense. The fact that this moment has stayed with you for so long is meaningful, and your instinct to name it sounds like it might be an important part of your healing process.

](/en/answer/a-boyfriend-a-long-time-ago-asked-me-to-perform-oral-sex-on-him-which-i-did-with-hesitation-i-very-clearly-told-him-not-to-ejaculate-and-he-agreed-but-then-did-anyway-its-a-moment-i-have-never-forgott)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/a-boyfriend-a-long-time-ago-asked-me-to-perform-oral-sex-on-him-which-i-did-with-hesitation-i-very-clearly-told-him-not-to-ejaculate-and-he-agreed-but-then-did-anyway-its-a-moment-i-have-never-forgott#comments)

[We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie)

[

#### I'm feeling really anxious and unsettled after a night of heavy drinking and cannabis use, during which I have memory gaps. I realized I was intimate with someone I don't fully trust. How can I safely process this experience and these feelings?

🇮🇪

Thank you so much for trusting us with this and I am so sorry this happened to you. What you're feeling right now makes complete sense, and it's important to honor that your nervous system is responding to something that feels confusing and distressing. Memory gaps are particularly disorienting because they leave you without a full picture of what happened, and that uncertainty on its own can be really difficult to sit with. You don't have to have all the answers about what occurred in order for your feelings to be valid.

](/en/answer/im-feeling-really-anxious-and-unsettled-after-a-night-of-heavy-drinking-and-cannabis-use-during-which-i-have-memory-gaps-i-realized-i-was-intimate-with-someone-i-dont-fully-trust-how-can-i-safely-proc)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/im-feeling-really-anxious-and-unsettled-after-a-night-of-heavy-drinking-and-cannabis-use-during-which-i-have-memory-gaps-i-realized-i-was-intimate-with-someone-i-dont-fully-trust-how-can-i-safely-proc#comments)

[

#### I was drunk and someone who was helping me kissed me when I hadn't shown any interest before I became intoxicated. Everything was blurry that night. I was laying down on his lap with my eyes closed when he kissed me. I didn't immediately push him away because I was really drunk, almost blackout drunk, and didn't have the strength. I only realized what happened after he stopped. I think he believes I consented because I didn't push him away. Is my anger valid even though I didn't say no?

🇵🇭

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Your feelings of anger are completely valid. Being unable to push someone away or verbally say "no" while heavily intoxicated does not equal consent. Consent must be freely given, which means a person must be in a state where they can make clear decisions. When someone is severely intoxicated or nearly "blackout drunk" as you described, they cannot provide meaningful consent to sexual activity.

](/en/answer/i-was-drunk-and-someone-who-was-helping-me-kissed-me-when-i-hadnt-shown-any-interest-before-i-became-intoxicated-everything-was-blurry-that-night-i-was-laying-down-on-his-lap-with-my-eyes-closed-when)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-was-drunk-and-someone-who-was-helping-me-kissed-me-when-i-hadnt-shown-any-interest-before-i-became-intoxicated-everything-was-blurry-that-night-i-was-laying-down-on-his-lap-with-my-eyes-closed-when#comments)

[

#### Last week I was blackout drunk and invited a guy I met online to my house. I don’t remember why I did that. I never would have done that sober, and I never give out my address. I remember getting in his car. He parked and wanted sex, and I told him I couldn’t. He said I should think about that, and he kept taking his pants off and pressuring me until I gave in. He knew I was drunk. I could barely walk, and I told him I was really drunk. It was over quickly and he drove me home. I feel so stupid, and I feel like I brought this on myself. I don’t know how to tell my husband. But my real question is, was this rape?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. I am really glad you wrote in and I am sorry you have been carrying this for a week on your own. You asked whether this was rape. Consent, in clinical practice and in most legal frameworks, rests on two things: 1) being willing, and 2) having the capacity to decide. Alcohol takes away the capacity part. When someone can barely walk and their brain is not forming memories, many laws and most clinical definitions treat them as unable to consent. You also told him no and he kept pushing until you gave in. Rese...

](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981#comments)

[

#### Are there other straight men who experienced abuse in a romantic relationship as a young adult?

🇺🇸

You are absolutely not alone, and it's worth saying that clearly and directly because the silence around this experience can make it feel that way. Abuse in romantic relationships happens to men, including straight men, and it is far more common than most people realize or talk about.

](/en/answer/are-there-other-straight-men-who-experienced-abuse-in-a-romantic-relationship-as-a-young-adult-873)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/are-there-other-straight-men-who-experienced-abuse-in-a-romantic-relationship-as-a-young-adult-873#comments)

[

#### I was sexually assaulted by another man who was twice my size while I was intoxicated. When I think back to that moment, I question why I didn't fight harder. After the encounter, I sobered up quickly and felt very angry and disturbed. Why do I feel like it was my fault or like I wanted it when I clearly didn't?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. What happened to you was not your fault, but it's completely understandable that you're feeling angry, disturbed, and questioning yourself. When faced with a threatening situation, our bodies can respond in ways we might not expect. Freezing or feeling unable to fight back is a common reaction to trauma. It's a natural, involuntary response where the body goes into a state of shock or paralysis as a way to protect itself.

](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and#comments)

[

#### Is it possible for a child to assault an adult? What should the adult do if this happens?

🇰🇼

Thank you for raising this sensitive topic. While it's understandable to have questions about complex situations, it's crucial to approach this subject with extreme care and prioritize the safety and wellbeing of all individuals, especially children.

](/en/answer/is-it-possible-for-a-child-to-assault-an-adult-what-should-the-adult-do-if-this-happens-245)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/is-it-possible-for-a-child-to-assault-an-adult-what-should-the-adult-do-if-this-happens-245#comments)

[We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie)

[

#### My partner had sex with me while I was blacked out and then told me about it afterward. When I questioned them, they changed their story multiple times...first saying I was making noises, and finally admitting I was asleep when they continued. I am his first-ever partner, so I am keeping that in mind. Something about this doesn't sit right with me, but it's been really difficult to leave because he has been so good to me in other ways. Why is it so hard to leave a relationship when something like this happens?

🇬🇧

Thank you for trusting us with something this painful and confusing. What comes through clearly in what you shared is that something happened that doesn't sit right with you, and you have been carrying that feeling while also trying to hold onto everything good in your relationship. That kind of inner conflict is exhausting, and the fact that you are paying attention to it even when it complicates something you value is really meaningful.

](/en/answer/my-partner-had-sex-with-me-while-i-was-blacked-out-and-then-told-me-about-it-afterward-when-i-questioned-them-they-changed-their-story-multiple-timesfirst-saying-i-was-making-noises-and-finally-admitt)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/my-partner-had-sex-with-me-while-i-was-blacked-out-and-then-told-me-about-it-afterward-when-i-questioned-them-they-changed-their-story-multiple-timesfirst-saying-i-was-making-noises-and-finally-admitt#comments)

[

#### Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was touched sexually without my consent?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. Only you can define your experiences, but based on what you shared, yes. Your experience of unwanted sexual touching without consent can still be considered sexual assault, and it's completely valid to recognize and name it as such. Sexual assault can take many forms beyond rape, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. It's understandable to have questions or doubts about what constitutes sexual assault, but it's important to trust your own feelings and boundaries.

](/en/answer/was-i-still-sexually-assaulted-if-i-wasnt-raped-but-was-touched-sexually-without-my-consent-104)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/was-i-still-sexually-assaulted-if-i-wasnt-raped-but-was-touched-sexually-without-my-consent-104#comments)

[

#### Is it still considered sexual assault if I was never touched but I felt pressured to sexually touch the other person when I didn’t want to?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for this question. While only you can define what you experienced, based on what you shared this can still certainly be a form of sexual assault, even if you were not physically touched by the other person. Sexual assault is not limited to physical contact. It can also include coercion, manipulation, or pressure to engage in sexual activity that you do not want to do.

](/en/answer/is-it-still-considered-sexual-assault-if-i-was-never-touched-but-i-felt-pressured-to-sexually-touch-the-other-person-when-i-didnt-want-to-143)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/is-it-still-considered-sexual-assault-if-i-was-never-touched-but-i-felt-pressured-to-sexually-touch-the-other-person-when-i-didnt-want-to-143#comments)

[

#### How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

🇺🇸

First, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid and that only you can define your experience. If you have ever felt pressured or obligated to engage in sexual activities, however, you may have experienced sexual coercion. Sexual coercion can occur on a spectrum. By definition, sexual coercion is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against their will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-coerced-into-having-sex-12)

2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-coerced-into-having-sex-12#comments)

[

#### I know this probably isn’t a faith-based community, however, does God care about these kinds of things?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for reaching out. While this is not a faith-based community, your question is extremely meaningful. People rely on different beliefs to make sense of pain and hardship, and it is very common for survivors to wrestle with questions of faith, especially when searching for comfort or meaning after experiences of harm.

](/en/answer/i-know-this-probably-isnt-a-faith-based-community-however-does-god-care-about-these-kinds-of-things-885)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-know-this-probably-isnt-a-faith-based-community-however-does-god-care-about-these-kinds-of-things-885#comments)

[

#### When does sexual assault count as rape?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. In legal terms, the definition of sexual assault and rape varies depending on jurisdiction. This means that depending on the geographical area where you live, laws may be interpreted and applied differently with slight variations in definitions. To learn about the resources in your area to help you navigate these definitions, if you live in the United States, go to this link , click on the state that you live in, and talk to your local victim assistance office. If you do not live in the United States, read u...

](/en/answer/when-does-sexual-assault-count-as-rape-88)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/when-does-sexual-assault-count-as-rape-88#comments)

[

#### How do I know if my experience counts as sexual assault?

🇺🇸

When you go through a sexual experience that feels unwanted, it can often be difficult to label what just occurred. We might compare our experiences to the experiences we see on TV or read about online, causing us to question whether or not our experience “counts” as sexual trauma.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-my-experience-counts-as-sexual-assault-1)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-my-experience-counts-as-sexual-assault-1#comments)

[

#### My ex-boyfriend repeatedly touched me inappropriately in public after I clearly asked him to stop multiple times. At the time, I convinced myself I was okay with what happened, but now I realize how uncomfortable and violated it made me feel. It's been several months since we broke up, and I'm struggling with whether I should address this with him or if it's too late to say anything. How do I process these feelings, and what should I consider when deciding whether to confront him about his behavior?

🇨🇦

Thank you so much for reaching out to us and I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way about what happened. What you experienced was a clear violation of your boundaries and consent, and your feelings of discomfort and violation are completely valid.

](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-repeatedly-touched-me-inappropriately-in-public-after-i-clearly-asked-him-to-stop-multiple-times-at-the-time-i-convinced-myself-i-was-okay-with-what-happened-but-now-i-realize-how-unco)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-repeatedly-touched-me-inappropriately-in-public-after-i-clearly-asked-him-to-stop-multiple-times-at-the-time-i-convinced-myself-i-was-okay-with-what-happened-but-now-i-realize-how-unco#comments)

[

#### As a Catholic, I struggle with feelings of impurity after my assault. I did things afterward that I thought I had to do to keep people around because they wanted me to. I've been to church and confession and was told it wasn't my fault and that I'm forgiven, but I still struggle with these feelings about purity. What can I do?

🇺🇸

I hear the pain in your words, and I want you to know that your struggle with these feelings is so deeply understandable. The weight you are carrying around purity and worth is something many survivors experience, especially when faith is such an important part of who you are. Your heart is trying to make sense of something that was never meant to happen to you, and that process can feel overwhelming and confusing.

](/en/answer/as-a-catholic-i-struggle-with-feelings-of-impurity-after-my-assault-i-did-things-afterward-that-i-thought-i-had-to-do-to-keep-people-around-because-they-wanted-me-to-ive-been-to-church-and-confession)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/as-a-catholic-i-struggle-with-feelings-of-impurity-after-my-assault-i-did-things-afterward-that-i-thought-i-had-to-do-to-keep-people-around-because-they-wanted-me-to-ive-been-to-church-and-confession#comments)

[

#### I was sexually harmed by someone of my own gender and now I identify as LGBTQ+, does this mean my experience made me gay?

🇺🇸

Abuse can disrupt our sense of identity, the relationships we have, and how we feel about our sexuality, particularly when the person who harmed us is of the same gender. Despite this, while your sexual preferences may be influenced by your traumatic experiences, being harmed by someone of the same gender cannot “make” you gay, bisexual, or transgender. Abuse interrupts our natural development and understanding of ourselves. Therefore it is not uncommon to feel confused about sex and sexuality after experiencing sexual harm.

](/en/answer/i-was-harmed-by-someone-of-my-own-gender-and-now-i-identify-as-lgbtq-does-this-mean-my-experience-made-me-gay-40)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-was-harmed-by-someone-of-my-own-gender-and-now-i-identify-as-lgbtq-does-this-mean-my-experience-made-me-gay-40#comments)

[

#### I didn’t know I lived with trauma until I started therapy...now I can’t help but minimize it?

🇺🇸

We received many questions about trauma processing and identity. Let’s talk about this in two parts with the help of a PhD prepared mental health nurse and sexual assault nurse examiner from @ourwavestories. We will start with talking about coming to terms with trauma as it relates to our identity, and then we will talk about integrating it into our identity.

](/en/answer/i-didnt-know-i-lived-with-trauma-until-started-therapy-now-cant-help-but-minimize-7)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-didnt-know-i-lived-with-trauma-until-started-therapy-now-cant-help-but-minimize-7#comments)

[

#### What makes sexual violence traumatizing?

🇰🇼

Sexual violence can be traumatizing for several reasons. To start, the violation of bodily autonomy and boundaries can shatter a survivor's sense of safety and trust. When someone experiences sexual violence, their fundamental right to control what happens to their body is forcibly taken away, leaving them often feeling powerless and vulnerable. This loss of agency can profoundly disrupt one's sense of self and safety in the world, leading to feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion.

](/en/answer/what-makes-sexual-violence-traumatizing-106)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/what-makes-sexual-violence-traumatizing-106#comments)

[

#### Someone who assaulted me months ago recently threatened suicide and blamed me for not forgiving them. During our confrontation, we both exchanged harmful words about self-harm and I had a harsh response to them because I was at my breaking point. They're now in the hospital and seem to be portraying themselves as the victim. Was my harsh response wrong given the circumstances and my emotional state?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this difficult situation. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge how incredibly painful and confusing this must be for you. Being confronted by someone who has harmed you, only to have them threaten self-harm when you don't respond as they want, creates an overwhelming emotional burden that no one should have to carry.

](/en/answer/someone-who-assaulted-me-months-ago-recently-threatened-suicide-and-blamed-me-for-not-forgiving-them-during-our-confrontation-we-both-exchanged-harmful-words-about-self-harm-and-i-had-a-harsh-response)

Community note

This question contains references to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis helpline.

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/someone-who-assaulted-me-months-ago-recently-threatened-suicide-and-blamed-me-for-not-forgiving-them-during-our-confrontation-we-both-exchanged-harmful-words-about-self-harm-and-i-had-a-harsh-response#comments)

[

#### My ex-boyfriend would pressure me into saying "yes" to sexual acts, even when I was too intoxicated to properly consent, not enthusiastic, or uncomfortable with parts of what he was doing. He's a nice guy who supports victims, so I don't think it was intentional. How do I know if this was sexual assault/abuse or if I was just bad at communicating?

🇬🇧

Thank you for reaching out to us. I can share what I think based on the context you gave, but know that ultimately your interpretation of your experiences is totally up to you. What you're describing does sound like sexual abuse, even if your ex-boyfriend seemed like a nice person. Pressuring someone into sexual activity, pursuing sex with a person who is too intoxicated to consent, and ignoring a partner's expressed discomfort are all forms of coercion and assault. Consent should be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and...

](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-would-pressure-me-into-saying-yes-to-sexual-acts-even-when-i-was-too-intoxicated-to-properly-consent-not-enthusiastic-or-uncomfortable-with-parts-of-what-he-was-doing-hes-a-nice-guy-who-supports-victims-so-i-dont-think-it-was-intentional-how-do-i-know-if-this-was-sexual-assault-abuse-or-if-i-was-just-bad-at-communicating-146)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-would-pressure-me-into-saying-yes-to-sexual-acts-even-when-i-was-too-intoxicated-to-properly-consent-not-enthusiastic-or-uncomfortable-with-parts-of-what-he-was-doing-hes-a-nice-guy-who-supports-victims-so-i-dont-think-it-was-intentional-how-do-i-know-if-this-was-sexual-assault-abuse-or-if-i-was-just-bad-at-communicating-146#comments)

[

#### I became pregnant after being repeatedly sexually abused by multiple men. My baby was stillborn, and I never had DNA testing done. Is it strange that I wish I knew who her father was?

🇦🇺

I'm so sorry for the overwhelming pain and loss you've been through. There is nothing weird or strange about wishing you knew who your daughter's father was. Your feelings make complete sense, and many survivors in similar situations share this desire to know.

](/en/answer/i-became-pregnant-after-being-repeatedly-sexually-abused-by-multiple-men-my-baby-was-stillborn-and-i-never-had-dna-testing-done-is-it-strange-that-i-wish-i-knew-who-her-father-was-788)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-became-pregnant-after-being-repeatedly-sexually-abused-by-multiple-men-my-baby-was-stillborn-and-i-never-had-dna-testing-done-is-it-strange-that-i-wish-i-knew-who-her-father-was-788#comments)

[

#### I'm visiting family and struggling with my grandmother's inappropriate touching of my body when she 'feels' my clothing. My parents dismiss this behavior as just her being 'weird.' How can I cope with this situation? Is there more to life than being afraid of relatives? I don't think they'll change, but are there people who aren't like this?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. I am so sorry you are experiencing this distressing situation. What your grandmother is doing is not okay, and your feelings of discomfort and anxiety are completely valid. First and foremost, your grandmother's behavior is inappropriate, regardless of her age or familial relationship. It's not just "weird" - it's a violation of your personal boundaries and bodily autonomy and could even be considered sexual harassment. Your parents' dismissal of this behavior is not appropriate or helpful.

](/en/answer/im-visiting-family-and-struggling-with-my-grandmothers-inappropriate-touching-of-my-body-when-she-feels-my-clothing-my-parents-dismiss-this-behavior-as-just-her-being-weird-how-can-i-cope-with-this-situation-is-there-more-to-life-than-being-afraid-of-relatives-i-dont-think-theyll-change-but-are-there-people-who-arent-like-this-214 "Thank you so much for reaching out to us. I am so sorry you are experiencing this distressing situation. What your grandmother is doing is not okay, and your feelings of discomfort and anxiety are completely valid. 
First and foremost, your grandmother's behavior is inappropriate, regardless of her age or familial relationship. It's not just \"weird\" - it's a violation of your personal boundaries and bodily autonomy and could even be considered sexual harassment. Your parents' dismissal of this behavior is not appropriate or helpful.")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/im-visiting-family-and-struggling-with-my-grandmothers-inappropriate-touching-of-my-body-when-she-feels-my-clothing-my-parents-dismiss-this-behavior-as-just-her-being-weird-how-can-i-cope-with-this-situation-is-there-more-to-life-than-being-afraid-of-relatives-i-dont-think-theyll-change-but-are-there-people-who-arent-like-this-214#comments)

[

#### Am I still allowed to call what happened sexual assault when it wasn't penetrative?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. The short answer is yes. When you go through a sexual experience that feels unwanted, it can often be difficult to label what just occurred. We might compare our experiences to the experiences we see on TV or read about online, causing us to question whether or not our experience “counts” as sexual assault.

](/en/answer/am-i-still-allowed-to-call-what-happened-sexual-assault-when-it-wasnt-penetrative-56)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/am-i-still-allowed-to-call-what-happened-sexual-assault-when-it-wasnt-penetrative-56#comments)

[

#### If someone agreed to have sex and wanted it, but then stayed silent and still during the encounter because they were afraid of being caught by others (not afraid of the person or act itself), does that affect consent? The other person initiated actions and went further than expected, but there was no verbal response or physical engagement throughout. Why does this feel confusing, and how do you know if consent was present when someone chose to stay silent and still, even though the silence wasn't about fear of their partner?

🇲🇽

It sounds like this situation involved someone who genuinely wanted intimacy, yet felt paralyzed by the fear of being caught. Holding both truths at once can naturally create confusion. What you're describing captures something really important about consent that often gets oversimplified: consent isn't just about what someone wants in theory or what was agreed to before things started, and it's not just about saying "yes" or "no." It also involves feeling safe enough to communicate, set boundaries, and decide what feels right as the experienc...

](/en/answer/if-someone-agreed-to-have-sex-and-wanted-it-but-then-stayed-silent-and-still-during-the-encounter-because-they-were-afraid-of-being-caught-by-others-not-afraid-of-the-person-or-act-itself-does-that-af "It sounds like this situation involved someone who genuinely wanted intimacy, yet felt paralyzed by the fear of being caught. Holding both truths at once can naturally create confusion. What you're describing captures something really important about consent that often gets oversimplified: consent isn't just about what someone wants in theory or what was agreed to before things started, and it's not just about saying \"yes\" or \"no.\" It also involves feeling safe enough to communicate, set boundaries, and decide what feels right as the experienc...")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/if-someone-agreed-to-have-sex-and-wanted-it-but-then-stayed-silent-and-still-during-the-encounter-because-they-were-afraid-of-being-caught-by-others-not-afraid-of-the-person-or-act-itself-does-that-af#comments)

[

#### Am I really a survivor if it happened online and I was never physically touched?

🇨🇦

Absolutely. In this digital age, the concept of sexual violence has expanded beyond physical encounters to include online spaces. Online sexual violence refers to any non-consensual sexual activity or behavior that takes place over digital platforms, including social media, messaging apps, virtual reality platforms, and online forums. Online sexual violence can manifest in various forms, such as cyberstalking, revenge porn, sextortion, and grooming, all of which can cause significant harm to individuals' psychological and emotional well-...

](/en/answer/am-i-really-a-survivor-if-it-happened-online-and-i-was-never-physically-touched-93)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/am-i-really-a-survivor-if-it-happened-online-and-i-was-never-physically-touched-93#comments)

[

#### Why is it so common for people to blame sexual violence survivors for their experiences?

🇰🇼

Thank you for this question. Blaming sexual violence survivors for their experiences is unfortunately a pervasive issue deeply rooted in our societal attitudes and common misconceptions about sexual assault. If you have been blamed for your experiences, know you are not alone. Experiencing sexual harm is never your fault.

](/en/answer/why-is-it-so-common-for-people-to-blame-sexual-violence-survivors-for-their-experiences-100)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/why-is-it-so-common-for-people-to-blame-sexual-violence-survivors-for-their-experiences-100#comments)

[

#### Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop?

🇺🇸

First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, ​but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255.

](/en/answer/why-do-i-self-harm-and-what-is-the-best-way-to-stop-17)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/why-do-i-self-harm-and-what-is-the-best-way-to-stop-17#comments)

[NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community](https://stories.nomore.org)

[

#### If I didn't want to have sex with someone and just laid there without saying no, is that rape?

🇺🇸

I'm really glad you reached out with this question. What you're describing is something many survivors struggle to make sense of, and your confusion about it is completely understandable. Let me be clear about something important: consent isn't just about whether someone said the word "no." Real consent means an enthusiastic, freely given "yes." It's an active agreement to participate, not just the absence of refusal. When someone doesn't want to have sex and their body language shows they're not participating or engaged, that should be enough...

](/en/answer/if-i-didnt-want-to-have-sex-with-someone-and-just-laid-there-without-saying-no-is-that-rape-811 "I'm really glad you reached out with this question. What you're describing is something many survivors struggle to make sense of, and your confusion about it is completely understandable.
Let me be clear about something important: consent isn't just about whether someone said the word \"no.\" Real consent means an enthusiastic, freely given \"yes.\" It's an active agreement to participate, not just the absence of refusal. When someone doesn't want to have sex and their body language shows they're not participating or engaged, that should be enough...")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/if-i-didnt-want-to-have-sex-with-someone-and-just-laid-there-without-saying-no-is-that-rape-811#comments)

[

#### What is the impact of gender-based violence on families?

🇿🇦

Thank you for this question. When a family member experiences gender-based violence, the trauma can create a ripple effect that impacts the entire family. For those who witnessed the violence firsthand, the impact can be particularly severe. Children who grow up in a home where violence occurs may experience a range of emotional and behavioral problems, including fear, anxiety, aggression, and difficulty forming healthy attachments. They may also be at higher risk of experiencing violence in their own relationships later in life. In addition,...

](/en/answer/what-is-the-impact-of-gender-based-violence-on-families-142)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/what-is-the-impact-of-gender-based-violence-on-families-142#comments)

[

#### I've been touching myself sexually since I was very young, around age 6, and it's been a regular behavior continuing into the present. Is this normal?

🇩🇪

Thanks for reaching out to us! What you are describing is actually more common than many people realize, and I want you to know that you're not alone in this experience. Childhood self-touch can happen for many different reasons, and it's important to understand that bodies naturally seek comfort and soothing in various ways.

](/en/answer/ive-been-touching-myself-since-i-was-very-young-around-age-6-and-its-been-a-regular-behavior-continuing-into-the-present-is-this-normal-706)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/ive-been-touching-myself-since-i-was-very-young-around-age-6-and-its-been-a-regular-behavior-continuing-into-the-present-is-this-normal-706#comments)

[

#### Is it wrong or creepy to make my original characters experience the same things that happened to me? I use this as a way to process and relate to my experiences since I haven't met other survivors and don't feel comfortable talking about it. A friend recently called me a creep for doing this, even though they knew what I was going through when it was happening. I don't feel like it's fair if my characters don't suffer the way I did. I need something to relate to. Am I weird for this?

🇩🇿

You are absolutely not a creep, and you are not weird. What you're describing is actually a common and legitimate way that many trauma survivors process their experiences. Using creative expression, including writing characters who have gone through similar experiences of sexual assault, is a recognized coping mechanism and can be part of healing.

](/en/answer/is-it-wrong-or-creepy-to-make-my-original-characters-experience-the-same-things-that-happened-to-me-i-use-this-as-a-way-to-process-and-relate-to-my-experiences-since-i-havent-met-other-survivors-and-d)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/is-it-wrong-or-creepy-to-make-my-original-characters-experience-the-same-things-that-happened-to-me-i-use-this-as-a-way-to-process-and-relate-to-my-experiences-since-i-havent-met-other-survivors-and-d#comments)

[

#### How do you “validate” your experience with sexual assault? I feel like I don’t have the right to be upset, call myself a survivor, or even consider it sexual assault because I feel like my situation wasn’t bad enough, especially since it wasn’t rape.

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with something so deeply personal. What you're sharing-- that inner voice questioning whether your experience "counts" or was "bad enough"-- reflects a struggle that resonates with many survivors. Please know that these doubts don't make your experience any less real or your pain any less valid. Every person's experience with sexual assault is profoundly unique, and there simply isn't a measuring stick for trauma. Your feelings are completely valid, and you have every right to honor exactly what you're experiencing.

](/en/answer/how-do-you-validate-your-experience-with-sexual-assault-i-feel-like-i-dont-have-the-right-to-be-upset-call-myself-a-survivor-or-even-consider-it-sexual-assault-because-i-feel-like-my-situation-wasnt-b "Thank you for trusting us with something so deeply personal. What you're sharing-- that inner voice questioning whether your experience \"counts\" or was \"bad enough\"-- reflects a struggle that resonates with many survivors. Please know that these doubts don't make your experience any less real or your pain any less valid. Every person's experience with sexual assault is profoundly unique, and there simply isn't a measuring stick for trauma. Your feelings are completely valid, and you have every right to honor exactly what you're experiencing.")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/how-do-you-validate-your-experience-with-sexual-assault-i-feel-like-i-dont-have-the-right-to-be-upset-call-myself-a-survivor-or-even-consider-it-sexual-assault-because-i-feel-like-my-situation-wasnt-b#comments)

[

#### I think I have been sexually assaulted by an ex-friend. Is it sexual assault if you aren't penetrated? She groped me and jabbed at my a\*\*, but I didn't think it was important because we are both female.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for this question. Sexual assault can take many forms, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. What you experienced from your ex-friend could certainly "count" as sexual assault, even without penetration occurring. Any form of sexual contact or behavior without your explicit consent can be harmful and considered assault. To see a similar question we have answered in the past of this nature, click here: Q & A ~ Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was tou...

](/en/answer/i-think-i-have-been-sexually-assaulted-by-an-ex-friend-is-it-sexual-assault-if-you-arent-penetrated-she-groped-me-im-female-and-jabbed-at-my-a-but-i-didnt-think-it-was-important-because-we-are-both-female-114 "Thank you so much for this question. Sexual assault can take many forms, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. What you experienced from your ex-friend could certainly \"count\" as sexual assault, even without penetration occurring. Any form of sexual contact or behavior without your explicit consent can be harmful and considered assault. To see a similar question we have answered in the past of this nature, click here: Q & A ~ Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was tou...")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-think-i-have-been-sexually-assaulted-by-an-ex-friend-is-it-sexual-assault-if-you-arent-penetrated-she-groped-me-im-female-and-jabbed-at-my-a-but-i-didnt-think-it-was-important-because-we-are-both-female-114#comments)

[

#### A year ago, a man followed me home despite my protests. I was too afraid to stop him. When we got to my door, he grabbed my shoulders, looked around to ensure no one was nearby, and kissed my neck. I felt violated but also feel guilty. Should this be classified as sexual assault even though he didn't touch me in private areas? How long does it take to process these feelings? I still cry about it even though I feel I should be over it by now.

🇨🇦

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. What you went through sounds incredibly frightening and violating, and it's completely understandable that it still affects you deeply. What you experienced was unwanted sexual contact that occurred after you expressed resistance, and your feelings of violation are completely valid. Sexual assault encompasses a spectrum of unwanted sexual behaviors, including unwanted kissing. The fact that he checked to make sure no one was watching shows he likely knew his behavior was inappropriate and unwanted...

](/en/answer/a-year-ago-a-man-followed-me-home-despite-my-protests-i-was-too-afraid-to-stop-him-when-we-got-to-my-door-he-grabbed-my-shoulders-looked-around-to-ensure-no-one-was-nearby-and-kissed-my-neck-i-felt-vi)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/a-year-ago-a-man-followed-me-home-despite-my-protests-i-was-too-afraid-to-stop-him-when-we-got-to-my-door-he-grabbed-my-shoulders-looked-around-to-ensure-no-one-was-nearby-and-kissed-my-neck-i-felt-vi#comments)

[

#### For many years I had a belief that I could never say no to sex, and I didn’t even realize I believed it. All the sex from that time now feels like horrible memories I want to avoid. Were they all assaults? Eventually I did start saying no clearly, and sometimes sex continued anyway without my consent. Other times I don’t remember whether I said no clearly. I never initiated, and sometimes alcohol was involved for both of us. How do I make sense of this? It feels really horrible. Thank you for reading

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with something this tender and this complicated. Realizing that years of your life felt very different from how they looked from the outside is disorienting, and the horror you are feeling makes sense. Researchers have a term for part of what you describe: sexual compliance, which means going along with sex you do not want, often because refusing does not feel possible. Many people live inside a belief like yours for years without seeing it, because beliefs like these tend to form gradually until they stop feeling lik...

](/en/answer/i-had-a-belief-that-i-can-never-say-no-to-sex-and-i-didnt-realize-it-for-many-years-all-of-the-sex-from-that-time-feel-like-horrible-memories-i-want-to-avoid-were-they-all-assaults-eventually-i-did-ma-978)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-had-a-belief-that-i-can-never-say-no-to-sex-and-i-didnt-realize-it-for-many-years-all-of-the-sex-from-that-time-feel-like-horrible-memories-i-want-to-avoid-were-they-all-assaults-eventually-i-did-ma-978#comments)

[

#### Is it considered sexual abuse if someone started touching me without asking for verbal consent, and I reciprocated only because I felt that's what they expected and that I had to respond? I didn't really want to, but I felt obligated to participate.

🇦🇺

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience and for having the courage to seek clarity. Your question is not uncommon and touches on important aspects of consent and sexual abuse. In situations like the one you've described, where there was no verbal consent and you felt obligated to reciprocate even though you didn't really want to, this could indeed be considered a form of sexual abuse or coercion. Consent should always be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given - not something you feel pressured into or obligated to provide.

](/en/answer/is-it-considered-sexual-abuse-if-someone-started-touching-me-without-asking-for-verbal-consent-and-i-reciprocated-only-because-i-felt-thats-what-they-expected-and-that-i-had-to-respond-i-didnt-really-want-to-but-i-felt-obligated-to-participate-190)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

1 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/is-it-considered-sexual-abuse-if-someone-started-touching-me-without-asking-for-verbal-consent-and-i-reciprocated-only-because-i-felt-thats-what-they-expected-and-that-i-had-to-respond-i-didnt-really-want-to-but-i-felt-obligated-to-participate-190#comments)

[

#### My best friend kissed me while I was drunk, even though he was completely sober. I did not want it, but I was not in a place where I felt able to stop it. Afterward I asked him why he did it and told him he should not have. He turned it around on me and said I had led him on because I touched his hair. We are both in relationships. Since then I have felt betrayed and tainted, and I ended the friendship. Was this an assault?

🇺🇸

Thank you for being here. What you are describing sounds disorienting, and the fact that you are still sitting with it makes complete sense. You came here trying to make sense of something that never should have been yours to untangle alone. I do not want to label your experience for you, but I can walk through what you described piece by piece because the pieces themselves carry information. Consent requires the ability to freely and clearly say yes, in the moment, with a clear head. You were drunk, which affects that ability. He was sober, w...

](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937#comments)

[

#### Since intoxicated people cannot consent, what is the situation if two intoxicated people willingly have intercourse with each other? Would that still not be okay?

🇰🇼

Thank you for bringing up this sensitive and complex topic. When discussing consent and intoxication, it's crucial to recognize that everyone's experiences and reactions are unique and valid. For some, this topic may bring up difficult memories or emotions, and that's completely understandable.

](/en/answer/since-intoxicated-people-cannot-consent-what-is-the-situation-if-two-intoxicated-people-willingly-have-intercourse-with-each-other-would-that-still-not-be-okay-261)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/since-intoxicated-people-cannot-consent-what-is-the-situation-if-two-intoxicated-people-willingly-have-intercourse-with-each-other-would-that-still-not-be-okay-261#comments)

[

#### A few months back I was kissed by a sober man I didn’t know while I was severely drunk. Upon sobering up I felt disgusting and still do months later, because I never would have done that if I wasn’t intoxicated. He asked to kiss me and I said yes, which is what confuses me so much. He knew I was drunk but I can’t help but feel like it was my fault because I agreed. He even helped me walk and got me water because I couldn’t do it myself. I never say no to anything while drunk, but it’s not like he knew that. Was it still consensual? Why do I feel so guilty?

🇦🇩

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. The confusion you're describing (feeling disgusted even though you said yes) is quite a disorienting place to find yourself. Consent requires three things: 1) the ability to think clearly, 2) the ability to understand what you're agreeing to, and 3) the ability to feel genuinely free to say no. Severe intoxication takes all three away. A yes that comes out of a severely drunk mouth is not the same as a real, considered agreement. When you're that drunk, you're not you. Not the version of you who get...

](/en/answer/a-few-months-back-i-was-kissed-by-a-sober-man-i-didnt-know-while-i-was-severely-drunk-upon-sobering-up-i-felt-disgusting-and-still-do-months-later-because-i-never-would-have-done-that-if-i-wasnt-intox-951)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/a-few-months-back-i-was-kissed-by-a-sober-man-i-didnt-know-while-i-was-severely-drunk-upon-sobering-up-i-felt-disgusting-and-still-do-months-later-because-i-never-would-have-done-that-if-i-wasnt-intox-951#comments)

[

#### After being assaulted, I've become somewhat obsessed with sexual assault as a topic. Is this unhealthy?

🇰🇼

Thank you for asking this difficult question. To start, I want to say that what you are experiencing is a completely normal and understandable response to the trauma of sexual assault. It's not uncommon for survivors to become preoccupied with the topic of sexual violence in the aftermath of an assault, and this doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're doing something unhealthy.

](/en/answer/after-being-assaulted-ive-become-somewhat-obsessed-with-sexual-assault-as-a-topic-is-this-unhealthy-141)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/after-being-assaulted-ive-become-somewhat-obsessed-with-sexual-assault-as-a-topic-is-this-unhealthy-141#comments)

Show more questions

## More topics

[

Making sense of childhood experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-childhood-experiences)[

Understanding specific types of trauma and harm

](/en/learn/topics/understanding-specific-types-of-trauma-and-harm)[

Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

](/en/learn/topics/managing-emotions-and-how-you-feel-in-your-body)[

Seeking help after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/seeking-help-after-trauma)[

Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/sex-sexuality-and-intimacy-after-trauma)[

Sharing your story with others

](/en/learn/topics/sharing-your-story-with-others)

[See all topics](/en/learn/topics)

For immediate help, visit {{resource}}

Made with in Raleigh, NC

|

Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms)

|

[

#### Resources

](/en/resources)

### Post a Message

Share a message of support with the community.

Continue

We will send you an email as soon as your message is posted, as well as send helpful resources and support.

Post

Please adhere to our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines) to help us keep Our Wave a safe space. All messages will be reviewed and identifying information removed before they are posted.

### Ask a Question

Ask a question about survivorship or supporting survivors.

Continue

We will send you an email as soon as your question is answered, as well as send helpful resources and support.

Submit

### How can we help?

Tell us why you are reporting this content. Our moderation team will review your report shortly.

Violence, hate, or exploitation

Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion

Bullying or unwanted contact

Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages

Scam, fraud, or impersonation

Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else

False information

Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation

Submit

### Share Feedback

Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving.

Submit

### Log in

Enter the email you used to submit to Our Wave and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile.

Send link

Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready