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Answering your questions.

Here are some answers to questions we have received in the past from our survivor community. We hope these answers can help survivors, advocates, and the general public learn more about trauma and survivor healing.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Managing Trauma Impact
Meaning Making
Seeking Help After Trauma
Sharing Your Story
Supporting Survivors
Healing Week
Seeking Help After Trauma

I was non consensually touched in my sensitive areas and I think I felt an arousal. After that I got very guilty and started harming myself. Can you help me with this?

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Meaning Making

I'm seeking guidance about experiences from my primary school years that I'm just starting to process. When I was younger, several male classmates would repeatedly touch me inappropriately, ignoring my clear verbal protests and requests for them to stop. I remember specifically telling them it wasn't funny and begging them to leave me alone. When I reported this to a teacher who witnessed the incidents, she dismissed my concerns by saying 'they were only playing.' This response has stayed with me, along with the physical memory of the unwanted touching, which still feels very present and distressing. I've recently learned about COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse) and would appreciate insight into whether this term applies to my experiences. I'm trying to make sense of these memories and understand how to process them.

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Seeking Help After Trauma

Do you have any tips for talking to friends about my past sexual assault and my boundaries as a result of it? How do I approach that when they’re also triggered by sexual assault? I feel like if I just got it off my chest I’d finally feel better, but I don’t know how to do that without ruining our friendship. Thank you so much. The work that y’all do is so valuable and you’ve helped me work through stuff a lot in the past.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm struggling with memories of a past relationship that keep replaying in my head. When I was 16½, I dated a 20-year-old woman for about a year. I'm conflicted because it felt like a positive experience - she was understanding and supportive during a difficult time in my life, especially after my earlier childhood trauma. We met online, and while she made suggestive comments and requested photos and video calls involving my body, I always declined because I felt insecure about my weight. I even apologized to her later for not complying, feeling like I was being a bad boyfriend because I truly cared for her. Now I'm questioning these interactions. There wasn't any obvious manipulation or violence like in other situations, and the relationship felt genuine and caring. But something keeps triggering that 'this was inappropriate' feeling. I'm struggling to reconcile my positive memories and affection for her with this growing discomfort. How do I process these feelings?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I need help understanding childhood experiences with my brothers. When I was 6-7, my older brother (one year older) initiated sexual contact after being exposed to sexual content. It started with kissing and touching, and we were told to keep it secret. When I was around 9, my younger brother (two years younger than me) disclosed this to our father, leading to a confrontational situation that included our father yelling and possibly becoming violent with our mother. The behavior continued and escalated when I was around 10, including the use of adult items we found and exposure to pornography. My older brother also began involving my younger brother, which I knew was wrong but felt too scared to stop. Sometimes my older brother would initiate contact at night, and I would eventually give in. It finally ended when I was 12 after he got a girlfriend. I'm now 18, struggling with guilt and shame, questioning why I didn't stop it if it could end so easily. The memories make me physically ill. I need help understanding whether this was child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) or something else.

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Meaning Making

I need help processing something really difficult. At a party, I was extremely drunk, while this other girl was totally sober and experienced with drinking. We'd talked earlier when I was sober, nothing happened then. Later when I was drunk, we were on a couch and I asked if I could kiss her neck. She adjusted herself saying she was uncomfortable, but then said it wasn't me, just the people around us. She took me somewhere private where we kissed and I asked if she was okay with me touching her waist. She said yes, but then said she didn't want anything romantic/sexual. I respected that and stopped, but then she leaned in to kiss me again saying "let's do that one more time." She and her friend helped me to bed after. I tried talking to her about it later but she avoided it. I confided in someone I was dating, who spread a twisted version of the story making it seemed like she harassed me. Then the girl accused me of harassing her and said I pressured her while crying and begging - but I know that never happened. She spread rumors that I was a lesbian and she and my ex even made Facebook posts calling me a harasser. I got a lawyer since I had witnesses who saw what really happened. She said she wanted to talk it out but never did. Even though I was the drunk one who kept asking for consent, I'm still haunted by her accusations. I keep questioning myself - did I do something wrong?

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Meaning Making

I'm trying to understand experiences from my childhood friendship. I had a neighbor friend who was a year older than me who would visit during summers. We were very close, but some interactions now concern me. She initiated inappropriate intimate activities, including games with physical contact, and taught me to hide these behaviors from adults. Was this abuse? Is that even possible to occur between two young girls? We had a bad friend breakup but I can’t remember any of it, or why it happened. How can I make sense of this?

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Meaning Making

I experienced inappropriate exposure to pornography from my older cousin when I was around 5-6 years old. Later, at age 10-11, I engaged in inappropriate touching with my younger sister (age 3-4) once or twice. I didn't understand it was wrong at the time due to my early trauma and exposure to inappropriate content. I also witnessed domestic violence at home. I'm now feeling troubled about these events and seeking to understand them.

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Managing Trauma Impact

How do you navigate the feeling that you'll never get past your trauma?? Feeling frustrated because of it.

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Meaning Making

Why do I keep questioning whether what happened was abuse? Sometimes it feels clear it was inappropriate touching, but other times I doubt my experience and find myself uncertain. Is this a common response for survivors?

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Meaning Making

I feel like it's too late for healing, and that I should have opened up about my trauma before. How do you shift from that mindset?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

In my amateur research about child-on-child sexual assault (COCSA), I noticed that the events usually happen up to the age of 14. Does this mean that 14 is the age limit?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Is it considered sexual assault if the person didn’t touch me, but manipulated me into touching myself in front of them, while they did too?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

How do you cope with feeling that life is unfair, especially after trauma? I've started therapy but don't feel understood. How can I deal with these feelings of injustice while trying to heal?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Why do teenagers often stay silent about traumatic experiences? When something bad happens during adolescence, what makes it so difficult to speak up and tell someone?

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Managing Trauma Impact

In middle school, I experienced sexual abuse from other boys while being bullied. I didn't fully understand what was happening or if it was wrong - I was mostly afraid of being made fun of. Later, I repeated these behaviors with my younger brothers, not understanding the implications but reenacting what was done to me. This stopped after my father showed me porn. Now at 18, I'm overwhelmed with guilt and regret about what I did to my brothers. I can't forgive myself and wonder if they remember. I want to tell them someday and hope they can forgive me. Does this make me an abuser? Am I a bad person? The guilt is consuming me.

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Managing Trauma Impact

Can I 'retraumatize' myself by constantly thinking about a traumatic event from my teenage years? I keep analyzing what I did or didn't do at the time. I kept it secret due to shame and guilt, and though it might not seem as 'severe' as other experiences, I wonder if my constant rumination could be harmful. Can overthinking make the trauma worse?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I still have feelings for my abuser. He showed me so much attention and was so kind in the beginning, and it slowly was withdrawn. And then he assaulted me, and I still feel like if I do the right things he might care about me again. He will randomly show glimpses of how it used to be, and then go back to how it is now. He’s leaving, and I know it’s dramatic, but I feel like my world is ending and I’ll never do better than him, when he leaves. I feel pathetic having these feelings towards him after what he’s done to me. What do I do?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I'm struggling with OCD/POCD and I'm worried about something I did at age 11-12 while watching my baby sister (age 1-2). Due to my own sexual trauma from cousins and online grooming, I developed hypersexual behaviors. When supervising my sister in the bathroom, I would masturbate while she played with toys. I would tell her to leave me alone when she seemed confused or curious. I recently learned that sexual behavior around children can be considered CSA, and I'm terrified that what I did was wrong. I would never touch a child inappropriately, but I'm scared about whether my past behavior was harmful. For context, I was a child myself dealing with untreated trauma.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

Why can molestation have such a significant impact during adolescence, even if it only happened once? I'd like to understand more about the effects of single-incident trauma during the teenage years.

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Sharing Your Story

Why didn't my parents recognize my trauma? There were clear signs - my behavior changed suddenly, and they tried to talk to me but I couldn't tell them what happened. I wish they had pushed harder for therapy or found ways to help me open up.

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Seeking Help After Trauma

Why is it that some teens develop PTSD and others don't?

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Meaning Making

When I was young, I experienced sexual contact with two different people - my cousin (who was two years older) and a friend. With my cousin, there was mutual touching that went on for a long time. Although sometimes I wished for the touch, I mostly felt annoyed and uncomfortable. I remember crying silently and pretending to sleep to avoid it. I have a vivid memory of hating bath time and being disgusted by bodily fluids. With my friend, I remember disconnecting and focusing on details like sunlight through a purple window rather than what was happening. Now that I'm thinking about these experiences, I feel angry but then doubt myself - wondering if I'm making it into sexual assault when maybe they didn't mean harm. Am I overthinking this?

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Managing Trauma Impact
Healing Week

I've been working hard on healing through therapy for years, practicing self-care, and recently joined a support group. I even tried pursuing legal action, but it didn't work out. Despite trying everything that's recommended, I feel like these efforts have only helped a little. I'm exhausted from constantly having to deal with the impact of someone else's actions. How do I move forward with my life?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm grateful this page is here. I'm processing experiences from my childhood that I now recognize as COCSA. At age 11, a 12-year-old friend introduced me to pornography and sexual content online, which led to sexual activity between us. While I initially saw myself as the victim since I hadn't been exposed to this content before, I realize they may have been a victim too, perhaps exposed inappropriately themselves. What terrifies me now is the possibility that I might have been the perpetrator, or that they see me that way. After experiencing victimization in other ways, the thought that I might have caused someone harm is frightening. How do I understand who was the victim or perpetrator in this situation? How do I process these complex feelings?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

How does sexual abuse affect the body and mind on both a biological and psychological level, and why are humans particularly vulnerable to its impacts compared to other animals? Is there an evolutionary explanation for this? I'm particularly interested in how sexual abuse and cases of Child-on-child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) affect the body and mind, as I'm trying to understand my own experiences and how different types of abuse impact people differently.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I think I have feelings of love toward the person who abused me and I'm struggling to understand and cope with these emotions. Can you help me make sense of this?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

During a waxing appointment when I was 13, the technician inappropriately touched my breast area. Though my mom was nearby, I stayed quiet despite feeling uncomfortable. Now years later, I question whether this was 'traumatic enough' to be upset about, and struggle with why I didn't speak up at the time. When I tried discussing this with a therapist, I felt they didn't validate how traumatic this experience was for me. Can you help me understand these feelings?

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Meaning Making

How should we understand responsibility in cases of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)? Does being a child at the time excuse or explain the harmful behavior? What level of accountability makes sense when the person who caused harm was also a child? And if we acknowledge their limited childhood understanding, how can survivors make sense of responsibility and blame for what happened to them?

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Supporting Survivors

My partner (21F) recently shared that her uncle sexually assaulted her multiple times when she was 12-13. No one in her family knows, and her uncle still lives in her family home where she visits during holidays. I'm seeking advice on two things: how to support her mental health and be aware of trauma responses, and guidance on potential legal actions we could take. This would be a huge help for both of us.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

At age 6, someone 3 years older began sexual activities with me that continued until I was 10 when they moved away. While I went along with it and eventually saw it as normal, I didn't understand what I was agreeing to, especially at first. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) even though I technically agreed?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I agreed and we were playing, but I was a child at the time. I'm trying to understand what this experience was since it wasn't rape. Can you help me make sense of this?

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Managing Trauma Impact

Between ages 4-6, I was sexually harmed by a trusted cousin. When I tried to tell both mothers, I was dismissed. Later, living with other cousins at my grandmother's, I began initiating sexual activities with them - not understanding it wasn't normal because of my own experiences. Though adults sometimes caught us, no one addressed it. I stopped around age 10-11 because I felt guilty. Now, one cousin is telling others I introduced these behaviors, and some view me as a predator. I want to explain that my actions came from my own trauma and lack of understanding, and to apologize, but they won't talk to me. Other family members avoid the topic entirely. I'm devastated because I'm not who they think I am, and while I understand the hurt I may have caused, I just want a chance to explain and apologize. What can I do?

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Meaning Making

When I was 10-11, a child I'd known for a long time and I began consensually kissing. However, it escalated when they repeatedly pressured me to undress despite my multiple refusals. Though I eventually gave in and they only looked at me and made uncomfortable comments about my body without physical contact, the memory still bothers me. I'm embarrassed I went along with it and unsure if this counts as harmful since there was no touching and I technically agreed in the end. Is this child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)? Can you help me understand this experience?

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Meaning Making

I (24F) am struggling with a distressing childhood memory from when I was around 9-10. I remember initiating clothed body rubbing with my younger brother (who was 5-6) a few times out of childhood curiosity. It stopped when he expressed discomfort. Recently, when I asked him about it, he was surprised and said nothing inappropriate ever happened. Despite his response, I'm consumed by shame, guilt, and fear that I might have traumatized him. We have a great relationship now, but these thoughts are constant. I have a therapist for depression and anxiety but am scared to discuss this with them for fear of judgment. How can I process these feelings?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I experienced childhood sexual abuse that affected my later relationships. In my 20s, I was raped after someone deliberately drugged me until I couldn't respond - I have partial memories and woke with bruises where he held my arms down. Years later, in my 30s, after only a few drinks at a club, I became severely intoxicated and lost several hours of memory. My last memory is of a man in a sports car approaching me, then nothing until I came to in an unfamiliar area. I filed a police report about being drugged, but nothing came of it. For weeks after, I felt uncontrollable fear seeing men in public. I've tried to piece together what happened, but I'm unsure if my memories are real or if I'm filling in gaps based on my previous assault. Am I experiencing trauma symptoms, and does this suggest I was assaulted?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I believe I was sexually abused by my older brother when we were children. These memories were repressed for years, but glimpses have emerged during my substance abuse treatment in my 30s. While I don't recall specific details, I have strong feelings of shame and disgust around these memories. I remember him ending it saying 'it couldn't happen anymore because I was his sister,' which left me confused and hurt. As teenagers, there was an incident where he tried to kiss me, and our relationship became strained. He later had sexual relationships with many of my friends, which now concerns me. When my parents adopted my best friend at 17 (she was my brother's age), they developed the kind of close, healthy sibling relationship I had always wanted but couldn't understand why I couldn't have with him. It made me feel terrible and jealous at the time. He occasionally tells me 'you know I love you, right?' which makes me wonder if he remembers and feels guilty. I want to tell my mom but worry about accuracy since my memories are unclear. Could I have initiated this, or was this abuse? How could he live with himself if he remembers?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I was raped a month ago. I previously posted here and received incredibly supportive responses that made me feel less alone, so I hope it's okay to ask another question. Since the assault, he asks for sexual activities and I find myself unable to say no, even sometimes initiating contact like kisses. And then when he asks for other things, I feel less disgust, but more of an I don’t care what happens. Almost empty, I guess. Partially I think I do it to feel like I’m trying to prove that I’m better than what he did to me. Which sounds stupid, and counterintuitive now that I’m saying it. Sometimes I have flashbacks but push through them. I’ve always been someone who has thought of my virginity as something special, and now that it was taken from me the way it was, I feel numb, and don’t really give a shit. Is this normal?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

How can I report my groomer anonymously in Canada? Specifically, Alberta. I only know his first name, have some of his messages but no confession, and have no pictures of him. Is it even possible to anonymously report if he’s in the United States?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was between 7-10 years old, my sister (who is 4 years older) initiated sexual contact with me, primarily 'practicing kissing.' I felt uncomfortable but didn't know how to express this or refuse. There were specific incidents where she would restrain me to continue kissing, saying it was 'practice for boys.' Later, when I was older, there was another incident of prolonged kissing that I agreed to, but have felt shame and disgust about for years. Given the age difference and dynamics, would this be considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)? How do I process these experiences that still affect me?

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