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title: I'm confused after years of emotional abuse with some... ~ Our Wave Community
description: Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you've described reflects a pattern of behavior that is deeply concerning and harmful to both you and your...
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# I'm confused after years of emotional abuse with some physical incidents - being sworn at, called names, dangerous driving while I was pregnant, threats, and breaking objects. The swearing stopped 2 years ago, but abuse patterns seem to change over time. A recent example: my child was hungry and screaming, so I asked my husband if I could give him a pear before our meal. He said yes, but then we had a huge argument about how I should never give our son anything before meals. A friend asked, "Why did you need his permission to give your son a pear?" He refuses to discuss how his behavior has affected me or that I need to heal. I have his voice in my head when I don't do something right. When I complain about being tired or struggling, he tells me to stop because it makes him sick due to his anxiety. He recently shamed me for worrying about a health issue. He has anger issues with our children too. When our son accidentally hit him with a ball during dinner, he banged his fist on the table and shouted. Another time he pinched our son very hard and told our 4-year-old that he hates him and hopes he doesn't come back home. I feel pressured about intimacy because he always complains it's not enough. At work, I've become a people pleaser, probably due to fear of reactions. When I tell him "no," he gets very angry. I'm really confused about whether this is abuse or if I'm exaggerating. What should I make of this situation?

\[Image: Dr. Laura\]

Answer by **Dr. Laura**

PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner

Topics:[Making sense of adult experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-adult-experiences)

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you've described reflects a pattern of behavior that is deeply concerning and harmful to both you and your children.

What you're experiencing can absolutely be considered abuse, and your confusion is a completely normal response to living in an unhealthy relationship. It's common for individuals in similar situations to question whether what they're experiencing is "bad enough" or if they're exaggerating. However, the behaviors you've mentioned—verbal insults, controlling actions, physical aggression, emotional manipulation, and harmful interactions with your children—are all forms of abuse that have understandably left you questioning your own perceptions.

The patterns you've identified represent serious abuse across multiple areas. Verbal abuse through being sworn at, called derogatory names, and having your feelings dismissed is not acceptable and can deeply affect your self-esteem and well-being. The emotional and psychological abuse you're experiencing includes controlling behaviors, such as making you feel like you need permission to feed your child, or making you doubt your own decisions. The incident with the pear perfectly illustrates this impossible situation - you asked permission to avoid conflict, he gave permission, then punished you anyway. This is a classic pattern designed to keep you off-balance and second-guessing yourself.

Physical abuse includes raising a fist, breaking objects, careless driving that endangers you, and the physical harm to your child. These actions cross clear lines and create an atmosphere of fear and intimidation. Your children are also being directly harmed by his behavior. Telling a 4-year-old that he hates them and hopes they don't come home is emotionally abusive and can cause lasting psychological damage. Physical actions like pinching hard enough to hurt and explosive anger responses are teaching your children that this treatment is normal, which can affect their future relationships and sense of self-worth.

The pressure around intimacy you're experiencing is another form of abuse. Feeling obligated or pressured into intimacy is not acceptable - you have the right to control what happens to your body without fear of anger or retribution. Healthy relationships involve mutual desire and respect for each other's boundaries, not pressure, complaints, or demands. Your body's response of not feeling desire is actually a protective mechanism. When someone has repeatedly harmed us emotionally and physically, our nervous system naturally responds by creating distance as a form of self-preservation.

The dynamic you've described where he finds fault with everything you do while you have legitimate concerns about his treatment reflects a fundamental imbalance of power and respect. His refusal to acknowledge the impact of his behavior on you, his dismissal of your needs when you're struggling, and his use of his anxiety to silence your legitimate concerns are all forms of emotional manipulation designed to maintain control. The fact that you're having trouble remembering positive moments is also common after experiencing ongoing trauma, as our brains prioritize remembering threats to help us stay alert to danger.

Your people-pleasing behavior at work and fear of saying no are common trauma responses that develop when we live with someone who punishes us for having boundaries or needs. These responses often extend beyond the abusive relationship as our nervous systems become hypervigilant to potential conflict or rejection.

Your instincts are telling you that something is wrong, and it's important to trust yourself. You're not exaggerating, and you deserve to live in a home where you feel safe, respected, and supported. Your confusion about whether this "counts" as abuse is something many survivors experience, especially when the abuse isn't constant or when there are periods of calm. Abuse doesn't have to be severe every day to be real and harmful.

Considering the complexity and severity of the situation, reaching out to a professional who specializes in domestic abuse could provide you with the support and guidance you need. Working with a therapist who specializes in domestic violence and trauma can help you process these experiences and develop safety planning strategies. Many areas have specialized domestic violence counselors who understand these dynamics and can provide both emotional support, practical guidance, and resources to help you navigate this challenging time and make decisions that are best for you and your children.

Remember, you are not alone, and help is available. You have the strength to seek the support you deserve, and taking this step to share your story is a powerful move towards healing and safety. You deserve relationships built on respect, kindness, and genuine care - both for yourself and as a model for your children of what healthy relationships look like Thank you again for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready