---
title: I was sexually assaulted by another man who was twice my... ~ Our Wave Community
description: I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. What happened to you was not your fault, but it's completely understandable that you're feeling angry,...
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Bolivia\]Bolivia](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=bo)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa 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Japan\]Japan](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New 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# I was sexually assaulted by another man who was twice my size while I was intoxicated. When I think back to that moment, I question why I didn't fight harder. After the encounter, I sobered up quickly and felt very angry and disturbed. Why do I feel like it was my fault or like I wanted it when I clearly didn't?

\[Image: Dr. Laura\]

Answer by **Dr. Laura**

PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner

Topics:[Making sense of adult experiences](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences)[Managing emotions and how you feel in your body](/en/learn/topics/managing-emotions-and-how-you-feel-in-your-body)

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. What happened to you was not your fault, but it's completely understandable that you're feeling angry, disturbed, and questioning yourself. When faced with a threatening situation, our bodies can respond in ways we might not expect. [Freezing](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fus%2Fblog%2Fsexual-assault-and-the-brain%2F201804%2Ffreezing-during-sexual-assault-and-harassment%3Fmsockid%3D1103576693d9679310b645d892bb66b2&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=a743daf8-4822-4e91-ad2f-5aad64524f86&sig=f4618cc9b641c2c07fa496290243b5d3525f80d3e90c07055abc45f495f74068) or feeling unable to fight back is a common reaction to trauma. It's a natural, involuntary response where the body goes into a state of shock or paralysis as a way to protect itself.

The feelings of self-blame, questioning your response during the assault, and confusion about your feelings afterward are all normal responses to trauma. These reactions don't mean you wanted the assault or that it was your fault in any way. During traumatic events, our bodies have several possible responses beyond just "fight" - including freeze, fawn (trying to please the threatening person), or flight. When someone is intoxicated, physically overpowered, or in a threatening situation, the freeze response is particularly common. This is a biological survival mechanism, not a choice or indication of consent.

Many people who have experienced sexual assault struggle with feelings of self-blame or wonder if they could have done something differently. It's important to remember that the responsibility for what happened lies entirely with the person who assaulted you. Feelings of guilt or thinking that you somehow wanted it can be part of the complex emotional aftermath of such an experience. These feelings don't reflect the reality of the situation but are a common way our minds try to process trauma.

Self-blame can also be a way our minds try to regain a sense of control after experiencing something traumatic. If we can find something we "did wrong," it creates an illusion that we could prevent similar situations in the future. This is a protective mechanism, but it places an unfair burden on you. The responsibility always lies with the person who chose to commit assault, not with the person who was assaulted.

You did the best you could in an incredibly challenging situation. Your reactions were normal responses to an abnormal event. Remember that healing isn't linear, and there's no "right way" to respond to sexual assault. Consider reaching out to a sexual assault support line or trauma-informed therapist when you're ready. They can provide strategies specific to your situation and help you work through these complex feelings without judgment. You're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help you navigate through this difficult time. Thank you for trusting us with this.

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Bolivia\]Bolivia](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=bo)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=gq)[\[Image: 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Uruguay\]Uruguay](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-by-another-man-who-was-twice-my-size-while-i-was-intoxicated-when-i-think-back-to-that-moment-i-question-why-i-didnt-fight-harder-after-the-encounter-i-sobered-up-quickly-and?country=ve)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready