---
title: Last week I was blackout drunk and invited a guy I met... ~ Our Wave Community
description: Thank you for trusting us with this. I am really glad you wrote in and I am sorry you have been carrying this for a week on your own. You asked whether this...
url: https://api.ourwave.org/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981.md
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# Last week I was blackout drunk and invited a guy I met online to my house. I don’t remember why I did that. I never would have done that sober, and I never give out my address. I remember getting in his car. He parked and wanted sex, and I told him I couldn’t. He said I should think about that, and he kept taking his pants off and pressuring me until I gave in. He knew I was drunk. I could barely walk, and I told him I was really drunk. It was over quickly and he drove me home. I feel so stupid, and I feel like I brought this on myself. I don’t know how to tell my husband. But my real question is, was this rape?

\[Image: Dr. Laura\]

Answer by **Dr. Laura**

PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner

Topics:[Making sense of adult experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-adult-experiences)

Thank you for trusting us with this. I am really glad you wrote in and I am sorry you have been carrying this for a week on your own.

You asked whether this was rape. [Consent](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Frainn.org%2Fshare-the-facts%2Fconsent-101-respect-boundaries-and-building-trust%2F&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=e3a59a60-1bca-4ef2-8283-3694aa65c7f1&sig=fc1b70e0466ebfc25a749f563e864eb0213264ed0989b4c82b47b390e8bfdbde), in clinical practice and in most legal frameworks, rests on two things: 1) being willing, and 2) having the capacity to decide. Alcohol takes away the capacity part. When someone can barely walk and their brain is not forming memories, many laws and most clinical definitions treat them as unable to consent. You also told him no and he kept pushing until you gave in. Researchers call being pressured into sex after saying no [sexual coercion](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.loveisrespect.org%2Fresources%2Fwhat-is-sexual-coercion%2F&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=e3a59a60-1bca-4ef2-8283-3694aa65c7f1&sig=50954c31b7450a6c427d65bdaa11b3a1e9ddb802412ec8ef0278b934c12dc906). In your story, it sounds like you were too drunk to consent and were also pressured after saying no. Either of those on its own can mean consent was not there.

Many people who have been through what you describe use the word rape. Some use sexual assault, and some take a long time to find any word at all. Definitions vary by where you live, but saying no, being pressured anyway, and being too drunk to stand is what many of them were written to cover. Which word fits is yours to decide, whenever you are ready.

It may also help to understand what your body did in that car. When fighting or leaving does not feel possible, the nervous system often shifts toward getting through the moment with the least harm. Sometimes that looks like [freezing](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.svri.org%2Fthe-freeze-response-how-a-warrior-handles-the-trauma-of-sexual-assault%2F&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=e3a59a60-1bca-4ef2-8283-3694aa65c7f1&sig=52e7b7777c46ebc6886c941f9e3effd87b38fcb4d01707e348957a075dfd2802), and sometimes it looks like going along, which some people call fawning. Giving in under pressure, drunk and in his car, is often the body finding the safest way out. And you got home.

You called yourself stupid and said you brought this on yourself. I hear that from survivors constantly when alcohol is involved. Drinking reliably makes survivors more likely to blame themselves, even though it changes nothing about who is responsible. Part of why self-blame grabs hold is that it offers a sense of control. If it was your fault, you could prevent it next time. A blackout means your brain was not recording and often not really steering, so choices made in that state are not ones you would stand behind. Inviting someone over did not give him permission for sex. He knew you were drunk because you told him. He heard your no. The only person in that car who could have stopped what happened was him.

Telling your husband is its own weight, and the timing is yours to decide. You are allowed to get support for yourself first. The first reaction someone gets to a disclosure can shape how they heal, so it can help to choose a calm, private moment and tell him what you need before you tell him what happened.

If it helps to have words ready, you could start with something like: "Something happened last week that I need to tell you about. I need you to hear me before you react. I was very drunk, and a man pressured me into sex after I said no." Change any of it. You do not have to have it figured out, or know what to call it, before you say it out loud. You are not stupid. You were harmed by someone who chose to keep going, and you deserve support while you work through it.

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Japan\]Japan](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981?country=ve)

English

[English](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981)[Español](/es/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981)[日本語](/ja/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready