---
title: "Does this count as grooming? My uncle has acted in ways... ~ Our Wave Community"
description: "I want to start by saying that I'm really glad you're asking this question and examining these experiences, even though I know it's painful and confusing...."
url: https://api.ourwave.org/en/answer/does-this-count-as-grooming-my-uncle-has-acted-in-ways-that-felt-strange-to-me-when-i-was-younger-he-would-insist-i-sit-on-his-lap-even-when-i-wanted-to-get-off-and-hed-call-me-back-he-also-insisted-i
language: en
---

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# Does this count as grooming? My uncle has acted in ways that felt strange to me. When I was younger, he would insist I sit on his lap even when I wanted to get off, and he'd call me back. He also insisted I mouth, suck, and chew on his ears, which confused me even then. There was always some kind of physical contact when we hung out. As I got older, these interactions felt increasingly uncomfortable. When he visited, he would crowd my space and get touchy-feely on my bed. I have clear memories of being on his lap and accidentally feeling what I knew was an erection. I didn't realize this wasn't normal until a family member pointed it out to my mother, which led to a family conflict. My mother stopped talking to him for a few months, but eventually everything went back to normal. Now I'm wondering if I misunderstood the situation and got him in trouble for no reason, even though I remember him leaping off my bed when he heard my mother coming.

*Image: Dr. Laura*

Answer by **Dr. Laura**

PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner

Topics:[Making sense of childhood experiences](https://api.ourwave.org/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-childhood-experiences)

I want to start by saying that I'm really glad you're asking this question and examining these experiences, even though I know it's painful and confusing. What you've described reflects patterns that are absolutely consistent with grooming and sexual abuse. These do not seem like misunderstandings, and you didn't get anyone in trouble for no reason. Your uncle's behavior was inappropriate, violated your boundaries, and seemed to have caused you harm.

[Grooming](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fhealth.clevelandclinic.org%2Fwhat-is-grooming&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=939daa1b-9ed9-48d5-aba4-4349634baed6&sig=a60de639baefaf7f504c56212870f3d11acd58241cfbba82283d6cf3ba1005c7) is a process where an older person repeatedly engages a child or adolescent in uncomfortable, sexually charged physical interaction—especially when the child feels compelled to go along with it. It often involves repeated patterns that confuse a young person about what is appropriate and may leave them blaming themselves when they sense something is wrong. What you're describing fits this pattern pretty clearly.

It sounds like he used physical closeness that felt confusing and uncomfortable, insisted on contact even when you wanted to stop, and engaged in behaviors that had no appropriate explanation—like having you put your mouth on his ears. That's not normal uncle-niece interaction. The fact that you felt his erection while on his lap is significant. Becoming sexually aroused by a child is never accidental or innocent, and it speaks to the sexual nature of his behavior toward you.

The fact that he jumped off your bed when he heard your mother coming is a sign he knew his behavior was not okay. People don't hide innocent behavior. The way your mind is second-guessing yourself right now is actually a very common response to abuse, especially when it happens within families. Children frequently feel unsure about speaking up for fear of causing a family rift or not being believed, which deepens their confusion. When the adults around us minimize what happened or return to "normal," it sends the message that maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe we overreacted, maybe we caused problems. It's understandable you felt guilty once things settled down in the family, but your discomfort and the details you describe suggest you were not imagining things, nor were you at fault. Your aunt saw something concerning enough to speak up. Your mother was upset enough to stop speaking to him. These reactions happened because what he did was wrong, not because you misunderstood.

Your reaction when you were older, recognizing that his behavior made you feel increasingly uneasy, is your own awareness telling you something was amiss. You deserve to trust that reaction. You mentioned feeling like you got him in trouble, but I want to gently redirect that thought. He got himself in trouble by choosing to behave inappropriately with you. Children and young people are never responsible for an adult's choices or the consequences that follow. Your job was never to protect him or manage his behavior. Your job was simply to be a kid, and he violated that.

The confusion you're feeling makes complete sense. Our brains aren't designed to hold the reality that someone we're supposed to trust could harm us, so we often create alternative explanations that feel less threatening. But your discomfort was real. Your body's signals that something was wrong were accurate. Trusting those feelings now, even retroactively, is an important part of honoring your own experience and moving toward healing.

If these memories still weigh on you or leave you feeling conflicted, it can be helpful to reach out for support from a counselor, advocate, or trusted confidant who respects your feelings and can help you process them in a safe space. You deserve to have your questions taken seriously. Ultimately, what you experienced was not normal, and your childhood self had every reason to feel uncomfortable. You deserved to be safe and at ease around your uncle, and his behavior was what broke that trust, not anything you did. Thank you for sharing this with us. You are not alone.

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