I'm struggling with self-blame about abuse I experienced when I was 13-14 years old by someone my same age. My mind keeps telling me I was "too old" and should have known better, even though I had no sex education and didn't even know what sexual abuse was at the time. How can I work through this guilt and self-doubt? I'm also confused by the fact that some countries have an age of consent of 14.

Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences with us. It's completely understandable that you're grappling with feelings of doubt and guilt about what happened when you were 13 or 14. These are incredibly common responses to childhood sexual abuse. I want you to know, however, that these feelings (while painful) don't reflect the truth of what happened to you.

At age 13 or 14, you were still very much a child, navigating the complexities of growing up without the benefit of sex education or an understanding of concepts like sexual abuse. During adolescence, our brains and bodies are still developing. Child development research shows us that the areas of the brain responsible for decision-making, understanding consequences, and recognizing manipulation are not fully developed until the mid-twenties. Emotional maturity, understanding of consent, and the ability to set personal boundaries are skills that are learned over time, often with guidance from adults or education—which it sounds like you didn't receive. Without proper information, it would have been incredibly difficult for you to recognize inappropriate behavior or know how to respond to it.

Your mind may be trying to make sense of a traumatic experience by searching for control and understanding, but it's directing that search inward rather than recognizing the reality of the situation. Feeling like you "should have known better" is a common reaction among survivors of abuse, but it's important to remember that the responsibility for what happened does not lie with you. The other person involved had the same obligation to understand appropriate behavior, and without guidance or education, both of you were in a vulnerable position. Abuse can and does occur between individuals of the same age, especially when there is a lack of understanding about consent and personal boundaries.

Regarding the age of consent laws in different countries, it's true that they vary, but these laws are legal benchmarks intended to protect young people from exploitation by adults, not to assign blame to minors involved in peer-on-peer situations. These laws also typically refer to consensual sexual activity between peers within specific age ranges, not abusive situations, and are often influenced by cultural, historical, and political factors rather than being based solely on child development science. When abuse occurs, consent cannot truly exist regardless of age, because abuse inherently involves manipulation, coercion, or exploitation of power imbalances. The presence of such laws doesn't change the fact that you were not equipped to handle the situation due to a lack of knowledge and support.

As I mentioned previously, the self-blame you're experiencing is actually a trauma response that many survivors develop as a way to try to regain some sense of control over what happened. If your mind can convince you that you "should have known better," it creates an illusion that you had power in the situation and could have prevented it. While this might feel like it gives you some control, it's actually keeping you trapped in shame that doesn't belong to you.

Be gentle with yourself. You did the best you could with the information and resources you had at the time. You were a child navigating a confusing and harmful experience without the tools to fully understand what was happening. Healing from such experiences takes time, and working through these feelings often benefits from support from a trauma-informed therapist who can help you process these experiences and develop compassion for your younger self. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional who can provide a safe space for you to express yourself and work through these emotions.

You are not alone, and what happened was not your fault. You deserve compassion and understanding, especially from yourself. Be patient with your healing process and know that it's okay to ask for help when you need it. Healing isn't linear and it's okay if some days the guilt feels stronger than others. Thank you for trusting us with this.